Luke, I hope one day you are surrounded--be it in real life or virtually--by people with kind, compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic hearts.
Mommy sure is.
I needed to get what I wrote last night off my chest. I *really* need to do your blog because it's been over two weeks with no new pictures, but I just feel like my heart is so heavy sometimes with things I want to be understood, and sometimes, writing them and then being told, "I get it." just makes my heart a million times lighter.
I know everyone doesn't get it. That's ok. Even if no one did, that'd be ok. Many days, I don't.
So I want you to know, one day when you read this, that while I do think about what my life would be like if Matthew had lived and you'd not been born...there is no, no, no way that I would ever choose to give you back. For anything.
Or anyone.
That makes my heart hurt too, because I feel like in saying that, I'm saying I love you more than I love Matthew. That's not it. Nor do I love him more than you.
I wouldn't have chosen to give him back, either...if I had the choice.
I just want you to know how much I love you. You have been screaming your poor little head off for nearly an hour and 15 minutes, which is about the longest I've EVER heard you do that! You went to sleep just fine, but woke up sort of yelping and wouldn't settle. I changed you, nursed you, tried to rock you, let you try to settle yourself...Tylenol, Highland's Drops...nothing, nothing, nothing would settle you. Finally about 15 minutes ago, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep. I imagine it's a bit of your teeth, and a bit of you just being worked up, but I just wanted to fix it. As I held you, you gave those poor, poor little whimpers that proved you'd been crying a good cry, and I just melt over those every time I hear them. You are so precious to me. You brought sunshine back into our lives. Even on nights like this, I just thank God that I was able to sit in that chair with you and rock you...hold you in my arms and sing to you and let you know that I was there and would always, always love you.
If you ever wonder if you are loved, please know you are. If you ever doubt that I'd not move Heaven and earth for you, please know that I would. If you ever question whether I am glad you were born, regardless of how it came to be, please know that I am.
So much. More than I can put into words, and more than I think you could imagine.
You are truly our Luke...bringer of light...and I love you, sweet boy.
Loving you, Matthew, and Luke so much.
ReplyDeleteas always, tears in my eyes. i get it, sweet friend. i get it. i sometimes am thankful that i didn't have the complications of a twin pregnancy to deal with because that meant no nicu time for grant--and then i feel terribly guilty because that was only possible because eli couldn't stay with us. it seems we can't win sometimes and place so much of the guilt and burden on us. i don't think it's something we're supposed to understand or figure out. ever. but i sure do love ALL my babies...here and on earth. hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI've got tears in my eyes Lori - that is such a hard line to walk. Someone commented on my blog that without losing their first baby, they wouldn't have the second - but I can't feel that way...but I do feel that torn sensation where I worry that I don't love this baby enough or as much as our angel...it's not easy...((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteSuch sweet words for a sweet boy. Two sweet boys. Like you, I thank God every day for this little baby I hold in my arms while fiercely loving the ones I don't.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how this will sound, but I know you will get where I'm coming from. I'm thankful it wasn't in your hands and that you didn't and don't have to make those choices ... that God took it from you and took Matthew with Him and then made the choice when He gave you Luke. He made the decisions He knew you couldn't and didn't want you to have to make. I think it broke Him and hurt Him more than we'll know, just like His decision to watch His only son die ... but He would rather have made that choice and done it all for you, loving you, so you would never have to make that decision. You live the life that so many people say they could never imagine ... you live without a son and you live without a part of you. You live the other side of that as well, which is having a another son that you can't imagine now being without. They parallel. You're kind of like a skipping stone. Skimming the water - hopping across the top and never knowing how many times you'll bounce back up ... but even when you sink to the bottom, you are made smooth and soft by all the skipping you were forced to do. I don't know if that makes sense? I do know that love is something we see, feel, breathe, experience, live, journey through, understand, misunderstand (the list goes on) but it's also the one thing that makes us, here and in Heaven. It's the only thing that gives life, takes life and fufills life eternally. The one thing we'll always have through each "phase" ... Matthew is eternally yours. And so is Luke. What love.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!!! So loved, so very loved, both boys! And I'm with you, the opportunity to hold/comfort them while they scream and cry is a gift, a blessing I'd never trade for all the world!
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteMy name is Jenna and I came across your site. Luke is so precious, special and cute. He is such an earthly angel. He has a special gaurdian angel looking over him. I was born with a rare life threatening disease, and I love it when people sign my guestbook. www.miraclechamp.webs.com
Once again, Lori, beautiful words! I look at Samantha and never get tired of praising God for her little life, even with all the nursing struggles. Because I am all too familiar with the alternative of not having a baby with nursing struggles. I would give anything to have a twenty-two month old to also be struggling with, but I wouldn't trade my walk with the Lord these past twenty-two months. I just wished I could have it both ways. But God's ways are not my ways...
ReplyDeleteLove you!