Monday, November 28, 2011

Who He'd Be Today...


Mama wants you to know this--November 28 is a special day.

It's your brother's birthday, and even if he isn't here with us, I want you to know what an amazing gift our family was given on this day two years ago.

Oh, Luke...he, like you, truly is such a sweet, sweet part of my life.

In such a different, different way.

When Matthew died, I ached. I hurt. I longed to hold my baby and I wept because my arms and heart and everything in me was just empty. It felt like it would never be full again, and really, I guess until we get to Heaven, it won't.

When we found out we were pregnant again with you, hope came back into our lives. My arms still ached and every time I saw a mama give her baby boy a hug or a kiss, I really just felt this pit in my stomach wishing it was ME giving MY baby boy hugs and kisses.

But you gave me hope that one day I WOULD give a baby boy or girl of mine all the love I've wanted to for years.

And when you were born, my arms didn't ache to be filled as much because YOU filled them. You busied my every second and you still fill my days with such joy. I know you think I hug and kiss you too much, but too bad because I have wanted to do that for so, so many years.

I still ache, though. I physically wish I could still hug and kiss Matthew, but what I miss more is who he would be.

I never really missed that initially, I think. I missed the tangible parts of parenting--the sweet baby smells and the soft sighs of contentment. Dressing him up in all the things we'd bought for him and quiet nursing sessions in the middle of the night. Things that I have been so, so grateful to have with you.

Now, as I watch you grow and change into this amazing and funny and charming little boy...

...I wonder who Matthew would be.

What he'd be like.

Before you were born, I said that I felt like you were so much of your daddy...lives for food and likes to just live the good life.

I was SO right!

I had my predictions about what Matthew would be like too.

I miss that I will never get to verify them. I miss knowing what his first word would he'd react when Dixie licked him or what he'd think of Santa Claus and pumpkin pie.

You are growing up so quickly, and with every day, something new happens and you become more and more YOU.

This year, on Matthew's second birthday, I feel pretty sad that I still just don't know HIM. His little life was so brief...but leaves me with what seems like eternity wondering what would have been.

We were able to go back to Maryland this weekend for his birthday. We went to our church, saw our sweet friends, and were able to visit Matthew's resting place. I am so touched by the care that is given to it in our absence, and was so happy to be back 'home' for even just the weekend. I stood in the same pew we always stand in and looked at the altar and thought about how it had looked 105 weekends ago when Matthew's coffin was there. I thought about how much my world stood still at that time and how heartbroken I was.

And how much of my world moves at a crazy speed today and how I am not necessarily heartbroken as I am heart-healing.

You are so much a part of that heart-healing. In fact, the heartbroken really only pours out mostly when I am just consumed with the joy of you. I know that seems weird, but it's true.

I get overwhelmed with emotion because it makes me realize what I am missing with Matthew even more.

I know that to many, the expectation is that two years have are here now and Matthew's gone and life goes on.

That's all true.

And I think it's pretty obvious by the beaming I am usually displaying whenever you and I are together that I am truly happy and content...even at Matthew's grave, my heart is so joyful because of you.

So knowing how much I adore and cherish you, I think it stands to reason that your brother, even though not with us, is just as adored and cherished.

Because he is. And always will be. As will you.

Luke, don't ever think for one second that you do not have every piece of my heart. You do, without question.

But on November 28, heart took on a completely different look and feel...and so it's that heart--the one that misses your big brother so much, yet is so grateful just for what little time I had with him--that's the heart you have.

The heart that will always wonder who he'd be.

From my sweet Pensacola girls. They love you boys so much!

Luke, When mama is gone, will you do me a favor? Please keep eating chocolate birthday cake for Matthew on his birthday. It would make me really happy.

...Even though you had to think about it some tonight!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. ♥♥♥ tears. So, so beautiful.

  3. Tears are just streaming down my face! So beautiful, so poignant, so true! Luke's gorgeous face eating cake for Matthew is breath-taking and peaceful and heart breaking all at once! Thank you always for sharing your beautiful heart! God works through you friend, and that is a blessing to me!

  4. This is beautiful. God bless you and your family!

  5. Luke is so stinkin' cute I can't stand it, just as I know Matthew is as well in heaven. I went and saw Luke in the nursery on Sunday. It was such a treat to see you guys. I wish we would have had more time to talk. I knew we were approaching the anniversary, but I hadn't remembered the exact date. Thank you for another touching blog. You all looked great, and I hope to see you again soon.

  6. Missing him with you...wondering what he and Lily would be like today...

    I'm crying and it's only 6:42 am...


  7. Tears on this beautiful post! I wonder too about sweet Matthew....

    What a treat this weekend to see Luke so big and such an independent little guy!

    Thank you for sharing, you have grown so much these last two years, it is wonderful to see how the Lord is working!

    Love you!

  8. This was so beautiful Lori. My eyes are filled with tears. Tears for you aching heart and tears for the beautiful family Matthew has, and is a part of.......

    Holding you in my heart....

  9. Simply beautiful...your words and your photography both.


  10. Happy birthday in heaven little Matthew, you are loved by many on earth and in the clouds also. Love from Auntie Nan and her girls xxxooo

  11. Olá minha querida irmã Graça e Paz.
    Parabéns pelo blog muito edificante para as nossas vidas.
    Quero aproveitar a oportunidade e compartilhar com a amada irmã Uma Mensagem Edificante para Alma.
    Ficaremos felizes por vossa visita e mais ainda se nos seguir-nos.
    Deus te abençoe ricamente
    Josiel Dias
    Mensagem Edificante para alma
    Rio de Janeiro

  12. Matthew's mission on earth was brief but so powerful.Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. Your little boys,Matthew and Luke have a wonderful Mama !

  13. Such tender words that only a mama can speak. What a wonderful way to honor Matthew...telling his little brother about him on his birthday (and every other day, too). love, love, love.

  14. *tears* Oh sweet Matthew, how you have touched the hearts of SO many around the world.

    Wrapping you in hugs my friend!

  15. sweet boy, sweet mom... tears with this post and it's insightful love, honesty, tenderness... i love that you eat chocolate cake for Matthew's are just amazing -- and the world is such a better place with your soul in it...

  16. Happy Belated Birthday to sweet Matthew. Your pictures on this post are stunning and gorgeous. As well as heart wrenching. What precious thoughts from your mama-heart. I often wonder who my children would be, and like every mom, I've had my predictions. I long for the day when we will find out in heaven's glory. Much love to you...

  17. Happy Belated Second Birthday precious Matthew. With so much love and light to you on your travels....

  18. Happy belated 2nd birthday to Matthew. <3 and hugs!

  19. I wonder too. Sorry its so late. Happy Belated Birthday Matthew! *hugs

  20. I am so behind on blogs and am just now reading this... With tears pouring down my face and dripping onto Gideon's sleeping head.

    My grieving process has been a little backwards. It was the "who he was going to be" that killed me those first months after we lost Caleb. And God has reminded me that Caleb was never ever going to be anything other than the tiny innocent baby that he was. A little baby who only ever knew his mother's womb and the face of Jesus - those were God's plans for him from the very first instant of his existence. Caleb and Matthew's hope and future were always going to be the promise of Heaven and nothing less.

    But still today, as I am preparing my heart for this weekend when Sarah and Caleb's birthdays will once again collide my heart is so so sad and so selfishly wants to watch that little boy have a birthday. I don't cry over him as often these days, but I cried in Food Lion last night as I chose balloons to take to his grave. And I cringed as the cashier at Walmart swooned over the little blue doggy I bought to place there, worried that she would ask about the baby I was buying it for.

    It's amazing how even with my arms full, they still ache for that one certain little boy. The wound is no longer fresh, but I suppose it will never full heal... Kind of like how you never regain full healing around a surgical incision, even years after the scar has healed