I know, I know...I've been quiet.
Not really, I've just not been very public.
Lots of thoughts...Breast Cancer Awareness, Pregnancy Loss Awareness—dueling cause month. Of course, as there are only 12, every month is dueling cause month, but these two causes are obviously sensitive and close to my heart.
It's hard for me to not look at every.single.little newborn and not think about how that should be me in ten days. It's not really jealousy...just wistful.
Happy for the new mom. Sad. For me.
When we were told by our adoption agency that we were a week away from a referral, we bought a stuffed sunshine that plays, "You are My Sunshine."
John and I used to sing or write that to each other a million years ago, and we thought a little Emma would like it.
A year and a half later, we prayed a little Matthew would like it and I'd play it for him while he was in my womb. He definitely recognized it, as he'd always start kicking with glee when he heard it.
A year later, I put it to my stomach every night just praying I'd see a little Luke take a breath...him liking this little sunshine would just be gravy.
When he was born, I played it for him over and over. He seemed to recognize it, and every now and then, I'd sing, "You are my sunshine," to him. I won't lie; I could never sing, "My ONLY Sunshine..." I'd replace it with, "My LITTLE Sunshine," because that was such betrayal in my eyes....Replace Matthew with Luke as My Only Sunshine? Couldn't do it. He doesn't even know the difference in the words.
I used to, a zillion years ago, know the second verse. Or, I thought I did. Something about when skies are cloudy, I think of you, dear, blah, blah, blah. Luke has a renewed interest in the song; he lights up when I start singing it, so I wanted to see what the second verse really was...
Felt like a punch in the gut.
"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping...I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I woke up dear, I was mistaken...so I hung my head and cried."
Dear Lord. I'll never, ever be able to sing those words. To type them makes my throat fill up with a softball-sized gulp and big tears on my cheeks.
Lest we forget about the hormones that are outrageously running through my body right now, I'll say that they don't help emotions right now.
John's been crazy busy and every day seems like his career may take a new direction. It makes my head spin, but it keeps us busy, so that's nice, I guess.
Which all leads to the fact that the pregnancy test is a week from today. No feelings whatsoever. Whenever I feel positive, it's negative. Whenever I feel negative, it's positive. I sort of feel like it's positive, so I'm not sure how I like feeling that way with my record, but whatever. It's way too early to tell and next week will be here soon enough.
Funny, huh? I'm in no hurry for next week. Either way, it changes a lot of things in my life. Pregnant...all the emotions/anxiety/and really, expectation of loss that comes with that. Not pregnant? The last of our attempts for another baby, and that point in life that every woman comes to, regardless of her fertility issues: Accepting that a phase in life is over. Gone forever. And all that comes with that...
So, yes....lots going on, and not a lot but a ton (in looking at the length of this post!) to say about it all at the same time. A good friend told me that God told her I needed to rest.
I like that, and am taking that to heart. Time for me to be still. Be quiet. Enjoy all the mundane and crazy and take time to rest and recharge.
Thanks for all the messages! Hanging in and doing ok. xoxoxoxoxoxo