It was negative.
I will never again carry a miracle within me. Never know again what sweet little baby kicks feel like when Mommy eats Skittles (which, by the way, Luke loves). Never be able to scan another face, desperate for any signs of Matthew or what Trey may have looked like. Never watch Daddy lose all hints of "Manly Marine" and go goo-goo ga-ga over his precious newborn.
No Hannah. No William. (The names another boy and girl would have had.)
I'm sure many are thinking, "Don't count yourself out...." and have some story of some woman who ended up with a surprise pregnancy when she least expected it.
Yeah, not interested. When you spend as many years and dollars as we have pursuing just about every modern technology available to bring children into your lives, you don't give 'those' stories credence.
Of course, they happen.
Just not to me. I'm the story of the lady with babies who die.
I'm also the story of the lady who is blessed beyond measure. A dear friend told me that when she read about how I was saying it would be just my luck to end up with cancer, she was thinking about how lucky I was with Luke.
And she is SO right. He is the song in my heart and one of the most amazing gifts I've ever been given. He is proof that God can and does create all things new and I am often just at a loss for words to describe just what he does for my heart and soul. For his Daddy's too.
Given that they aren't, the joy of knowing and loving them for whatever time I was given is enough to last my lifetime.
And it will.
We have several more opportunities to do more fresh cycles. We are withdrawing from the program, though. The last two cycles have been pretty indicative of what is going on with my body as it ages (gasp, I know...39) and my plea to God was to have 'one last shot' at bringing a brother or sister Luke could grow up with into our lives. Two weeks ago, I was begging Him to allow us to have at least two beautiful embryos to transfer and to accept whatever happened after.
God is good. I was given exactly what I asked for and more. Not only did I have two—two BEAUTIFUL, perfect looking embryos (even prettier than Matthew's and Luke's!), I had a third. God gave that lab a miraculous ability to rescue more embryos and we had a THIRD embryo to transfer. I didn't mention it, but another embryo actually kept growing a few more days, which was, in itself a miracle and we thought we might be able to freeze it. Sadly, it arrested right before freeze. And still, a dear friend told me, "What an opportunity to give God glory."
So right. Though I would love nothing more than to bring another baby into our lives, I am not willing to put our family (or my body, in light of this lump) through any more trauma...no more interruptions in our lives because of treatments. No more copious and crazy amounts of money on drugs—money that should and could go to Luke.
We are blessed. We've always thought raising another child would just be icing on the cake that is Luke.
Not that I would not love more of that icing. Who wouldn't? It's so flipping delicious that it makes you CRAVE it.
But I'm grateful for the cake I have...it's sweeter than I ever imagined it could be.
I am so grateful for the most amazing messages and texts and calls and gifts that I've been given. Facebook has it's faults, for sure, but it also is such a nice way for a girl to feel the love. I have to share about a gift I received yesterday—I'll ask my friend if she's ok with me sharing her company, but it's one that makes adorable scarves. I got home from my doctor appointment yesterday and out of the blue, a package was delivered to me. It had a sweet pink and white scarf in it and the most precious note. I couldn't even read it because I was crying so much. The note told me the she'd read my blog for years (we were acquaintances in college) and was touched by my post on the October 3 about how breast cancer and pregnancy loss were close to my heart. She just felt she needed to make me a scarf, one that had been designed for her cousin, a breast cancer survivor, and that would be able to remind me of my mother when I wore it. For my heart, and my heart alone, she added two little butterfly charms—one for Matthew and one for Trey—so they could be with me. I don't even think she knows that my mother was a HUGE butterfly lover (she had a bumper sticker that said, "I brake for butterflies!" and on the day of her funeral, butterflies were EVERY WHERE)....nor does she probably know that when we were looking at gravesites for Matthew, standing under a beautiful poplar tulip tree on a cold, cold December day in Maryland, a sweet little yellow butterfly came by...and we knew that was the spot. I see those little butterflies all over the place here in NC, and Luke calls them out every time.
My point? That scarf coming to me in those colors, for that purpose, with those charms, YESTERDAY?????? God-given reminders that He is with us always.
Of that, I have no doubt.
I think that I have a lot of things to process. I think it will not be easy, as I am a hormonal mess and there are some upcoming dates that are sure to tug at my heart. Even once the hormones peter out, the acceptance of many things not in my control is one with which I have to deal, as do we all.
So as I do, I appreciate all the love, care and concern. It is all such a blessing to me.
As are these sweet boys in my life.