There's no point in trying to deny it; that's pretty much how I am functioning.
Still, though...I'm struggling.
I can't even pretend that I'm not. I mean, I can...and sometimes I am just because life has its expectations, and that's what one does.
But I'm struggling. Struggling to smile. Struggling not to cry. Struggling to keep my head above water. Struggling to sleep. Struggling to stay awake. Struggling to eat. Struggling not to throw up. Struggling to stop struggling because MY HEAD KNOWS I AM SO LUCKY. I AM SO BLESSED.
My heart, though? My heart hurts. I feel like it's just drowning in wistfulness every time I turn my head.
My mind races...making connections with everything and everyone and I hate it. Lady in front of me at Target? A baby about Luke's age and a big brother about Matthew's...and very visibly pregnant.
My heart screams, "It's a boy and that should be YOU!"
New babies and new pregnancies are all around me. I am thrilled beyond thrilled for all of them.
My heart screams, "NEVER AGAIN YOU. NO MORE FOR YOU."
We told Shady Grove that we felt like it was time to withdraw from the Shared Risk program. I was hoping Dr. K would say something like, "Well, Lori, I certainly understand if you feel it's time. You've been through so much. If you should decided to keep trying, though, I still feel like we'd have success and this is what I'd do..."
Instead, I heard, "Well, the plus to the Shared Risk program is the more chances you have, the more chance you will get pregnant." (Not interested in the 'Even the Blind Squirrel Gets a Nut Theory'...Maybe our nuts were in January.) I also heard, "Well, I think we've tweaked the medicine about as much as we can. We'd probably just hope for better response."
Hope. That's a fickle word.
The biggest thing I heard that makes me pretty much realize we are done with trying to have more children is Dr. K mentioning he felt I'd have much greater success with egg donation.
Don't get me wrong...blood does not make a bit of difference to me. Before Luke, I contemplated egg donation and wouldn't blink an eye if that's what we had to do in order to raise a child.
But we don't. We have Luke. And while I feel like the desire to raise more children has been laid on my heart since I realized that girls can grow up to be Mommies....I begged and begged and BEGGED God to just let me have Luke.
I plead with Him for 34 weeks and one day to just let me bring that baby home and to love him and raise him...and if He did, I'd never, ever, EVER ask for another thing.
So to ask again...and to go to those lengths—more time, more trauma for my body, WAY more money in medicine and more interruption in our family—only to have either failure, or God forbid, success and then MORE loss?
I just don't know.
Well, I do know. I have to accept this place. This person. This life.
I feel horrible. There are so many horrible and terrible things going on in this world. So much pain and suffering and loss.
My days are filled with the love and giggles of the most amazing little boy in the world...planning fall activities and trips to Disney World and things to do when Daddy deploys...
I am so blessed beyond belief, and I am ashamed of just how hard it is for me right now. I have more than many people dream of in their wildest dreams.
And still...I'm struggling with want and heartache. I'm struggling with grief for the losses I've had and the realization that every time I rock Luke to sleep, it may be the last night he lets me...he's growing up so fast. My heart hurts so much missing days that haven't even happened yet.
Ridiculous. I know all of this is ridiculous and I just have to get through this. I've had a lot going on in the last few weeks...months...year....three years...and more to come with Daddy deploying and the acceptance of different stages of our lives. Hormones are still equalizing. And honestly, I NEVER struggle to smile or be genuinely happy with that precious boy of mine, and I am just grateful that I have him with me all the time. What a blessing just to be able to stay home with him and not miss anything I don't have to.
Please pray for a sweet friend who delivered her sweet little girl last week and her precious little boy today...and mourns them both as they have both died and gone to Heaven.
Please pray for the children in Kyrgyzstan who will remain there and not with their families because of political turmoil. To know my child was alive...but without me...would tear my heart out.
Please pray for my sister. Her lupus is really bad.
Please pray for sweet friends who have lost babies in the last months, and are having enduring complications. Insult to injury.
Perspective. Perspective. Perspective. Pray for my perspective to come back.
I may be struggling, but it could be so much worse.