Wednesday, August 29, 2012

My Heart Is Weary...

I haven't written much because there are too many conflicting thoughts in my head.

I believe fully that God puts desires on our heart.
I also pray daily that my wants/desires/will is that of God's.

So logically, I hope that the desire for another child to raise and love is from God and therefore God will be faithful, but logic doesn't get me too many places.

I also don't like the fact that people feel like I am being greedy by doing another cycle.  Greedy for more when I already have so much with Luke.  I wrestle with those emotions regularly.  I don't need them rubbed in my face.

In the interest of not saying anything because I can't say much nice at all, I just remain quiet.

But, my heart is weary.  This world is so miserable sometimes.

My uncle died a few hours ago.  He'd been sick.  Cancer.  Complications.  Withered away.  Didn't even get to see him before he died.  I hate cancer.  I hate death.  I hate irony.  This came in an email less than an hour after he died:

Hi Lori,
By now, you may have heard from a smiling, happy someone who received your recent gift(s) (order #98977341) to Gerald "Butch" Mullins arrived. It was delivered on Wednesday, 08/29
Recipient(s) Information:
No, no...I didn't hear from a smiling, happy someone.  He was already dead.

My sister is very, very sick.  Her lupus should have killed her 10 years ago, according to her doctors.  She just started what her doctors are considering her last-ditch effort to continue living.


She's 36.

I'm 6 weeks away from what should have been a very joyous day.  Another baby boy in our lives.  Pictures of Luke and a sweet baby brother that I would cherish forever.  Instead, I'm in the middle of another cycle.  And being judged for it, to boot.  So over judging.

Today, this came in the mail.

I have always been a big supporter of St. Jude's, and one of the reasons I fell in love with my sorority in college was because our philanthropy was Childhood Cancer.  But seeing this, today, made my eyes sting with tears and my throat choke up.

I loved that little girl we never got to adopt.  I loved her before I knew her.  Knew who she was.  What she looked like.  I lovingly lingered over just the perfect name for her. (Funny, this post was written 4 years ago, and yet...nearly the same things going on in the political arena...)

I mothered her the best I could...and mourn that to some, it was just a failed adoption.  To me...loss of an entire lifetime I was planning.

And here's this little Emma Grace, fighting cancer.

Have I mentioned I hate cancer?

I hate that people in this world (including me, I'm not judging) take SO MUCH FOR GRANTED while others literally wither away to the point of death simply because they had no food or water.

I hate that my biggest worry sometimes is what on EARTH I am going to try to feed that picky eater of mine and yet, and my heart aches to think of other mothers like me who would give anything just to have crumbs for their babies to eat.

I hate that babies are fighting for their lives every single minute...innocent little souls who have been long prayed for and loved...and I hate knowing all too well that any minute, the little white coffin may be needed.

I am beyond grateful for the things I have and the life I live.  I know very well how blessed I am.

But my heart is weary because that knowledge also has the flip side--Knowing how hard life is for so, so many others.  The weight of the suffering in this world, even though not all mine, just seems crushing.

This is not where I belong.

15 comments:

  1. Lori - You have the biggest heart and the most compassion of probably any person I've ever 'known.' I have always felt inspired by you and wish that I could share the way you do. Please know I don't judge you. ((Hugs))

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  2. So, what, we're all to have only one living child? I must be bad, then, because I wanted (and had) a second one. While there may be heavenly snickers at the ones I got, I'm not accepting any judgment for asking for two.

    Was my great-grandmother a horrible person? She had 16 children.

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  3. Sweet Lori I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.

    Please be kind to yourself, you cannot carry the weight of the world in your heart.

    Hugs xxx

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  4. This world is not our home...sigh.

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  5. You are not greedy for wanting more children. If that's so, all people with more than one child are greedy. Just because you get pregnant in a different way doesnt mean you shouldnt keep trying. If you got pregnant the "normal" way, would a single person be calling you greedy? No. That is just silly. And mean. And completely uncalled for. Keep trying. Wanting to love and raise more children is wonderful and loving. Not AT ALL greedy.

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  6. I am sorry you hear insensitive comments. Maybe some are not meaning to be unkind and really just worried about you or your health, etc... Just take it with grace and try not to dwell on it. I love what the above commenter said when she said you cannot carry the weight of the world in your heart! So true! Do what the Lord directs you to do and rest in that. I am sure it is just all so raw right now in your heart. Understandably so. But later on, when you have Luke and maybe other children, it will feel right and how your babies came to be born will be just a part of their story and not so much in the forefront for people to judge. You will be a busy Mama and believe me you will face judgements and comments about many parenting issues. You will learn to let it roll off your back and you will feel God's peace in your heart as you seek Him for parenting decisions.

    I am sorry for the loss of your uncle.

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  7. Dearest Lori... I ache for you every single day. Not only for the ugliness that people throw at you but also for your poor loving heart. I have not known what to say to even attempt to lift your spirits because as a mother who longed for a baby sometimes there is nothing to hear that will be uplifting. So I'll say this: I pray for you and your loving beautiful heart every day that you may find peace and happiness. Your love abounds and is so apparent to all of us that have the pleasure of knowing you. I only hope that we all do the same for you!!! Much love, hugs, and prayers!!!

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  8. i'm so sorry that people feel like they have the right to judge you. shame on them. you have such keen insight. that NEEDS to be passed on to the next generation.

    and just so you know, i totally recognize that a "failed adoption" is in actuality very similar to the other losses you face with the added slap in the face that society doesn't recognize the hurt. the grieving of a life shared together. errrrrr.

    i won't soap box.... but i could.....

    i'm so sorry about your uncle.

    i hate cancer too. but i love and adore you and i'm praying every breath over this current cycle.

    you have my heart girl!

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  9. I am saddened to hear that others are judging you for wanting to expand your family. I too have been told to be thankful and grateful for the Twins boys we have and not to TTC anymore.Wanting to have another child(ren) does not mean you are not greatful or thankful for the son you do have! I dont get where people equate a larger family for being ungreatful. After losing two sons now its painful to even attempt to make an appointment with the clinic we use. When Hubs and I are good and ready we will, with or without others approval. Please dont allow others opinions of what you should or should not be doing discourage you one bit.

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  10. Nobody's darn business how you live your life.

    So sorry for the loss of your uncle, and your sister's illness.

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  11. I am so sorry about your uncle and will pray for your sister. Sometimes it just seems like there's too much for one person to handle.

    Regarding God's plan for you, the way I see it, he has placed you in a position where you are able to/have access to multiple IVF opportunities, which is not something that is very common. That alone seems like a notch in the "pro God's plan" column. He has provided this opportunity for you, I would take full advantage! And I have learned that people have opinions about EVERYTHING, and only a tiny sliver of those have anything to do with their own lives (as seen by my opinion regarding God's plan for you, as IF I have any skin in that game). I am constantly shocked by how much unsolicited advice we receive as parents. And everyone's got an opinion. Just stick with that gut of yours and you will be ok!

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  12. I'm trying to understand how trying to have a child is greedy? Doesn't the word greedy imply that you are trying to have too much of something and not leaving enough for others??? What exactly are you hoarding here? Your own eggs? Your husband's sperm? I suppose the people who judge you were planning on making use of your embros? If it's a matter of well-meaning people being concerned about your health, then they should offer their support for your health by offering to babysit your son so you can take a nap, or help you clean out your garage or something.....and just shut up about it. All worrying really is, is just restating the problem over and over again. If people are using the term 'greedy' to you, as in 'you shouldn't tempt fate and just be thankful for what you have....'again, how is wanting to have another baby being ungrateful for the one you have?? I've never heard you once say, 'You know, I like my son and all, but I think he can be improved upon - so I'll think I'll ask God for another one; an upgrade.' Actually, I could have summed it up in about two words. 'Fuck em.'

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  13. I'm trying to understand how trying to have a child is greedy? Doesn't the word greedy imply that you are trying to have too much of something and not leaving enough for others??? What exactly are you hoarding here? Your own eggs? Your husband's sperm? I suppose the people who judge you were planning on making use of your embros? If it's a matter of well-meaning people being concerned about your health, then they should offer their support for your health by offering to babysit your son so you can take a nap, or help you clean out your garage or something.....and just shut up about it. All worrying really is, is just restating the problem over and over again. If people are using the term 'greedy' to you, as in 'you shouldn't tempt fate and just be thankful for what you have....'again, how is wanting to have another baby being ungrateful for the one you have?? I've never heard you once say, 'You know, I like my son and all, but I think he can be improved upon - so I'll think I'll ask God for another one; an upgrade.' Actually, I could have summed it up in about two words. 'Fuck em.'

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  14. Hey! I got your comment. I am a remedial blogger; I have no idea how to leave messages other than as a 'comment'. I know exactly who you are talking about though. Ironically, mine used to read by blog and she read something in it that she didn't like and actually called my husband and tried to get him mad at me! Then of course, she got his whole side of the family involved and it was a big mess. That's why I haven't posted anything in a while. She actually kind of ruined it for me. I have all of these written posts and they just sit unpublished. I keep trying to work of the nerve to get back on the horse.....but I'm just hesitant.

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  15. So sorry about all the loss weighing on your heart... your uncle, your sister, Trey, and Emma Grace. About the greedy comment, I can't even wrap my mind around that... hopefully you can forgive them.

    It's totally unrelated to this post, but I was wondering how your photography workshop went?

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