It's times like this that I realize though I am blessed to have lots and lots of people who love and care for me and my family, and who want to be involved in our lives and know what to pray for regarding our needs....sometimes, I just want to ship us out to a small, deserted island and drop out of society.
I just want to hermit up. I just don't have anything fabulous to say and don't feel like it anyway.
The last few visits have not been super. Today was not much better, and frankly, I was not loving the doctor. I want to be as respectful as I can, and won't say more than that, but honestly, a bad appointment was way worse because of her.
The follicles I have are still small. Not doing much, even with the super-juiced meds. My nurse is back from vacation, thank God, and told me that I was just sort of following Matthew's and Luke's cycle and we were still doing ok...it would depend on my estrogen level. She was hoping for 300-400.
So, when she called the first thing she said was, "Don't read into this."
Great start, huh?
My estrogen was 294. I don't remember what it was on this day with Trey's cycle, but it was crazy high. Worrisome to them high.
Matthew's on this day was 321 and Luke's on this day was 400.
Now, aside from the fact that both of those cycles produced beautiful, beautiful little boys who went full-term and felt like Heaven in their daddy's arms (so he tells me), those were CRAPPY cycles!
I know, that's almost ridiculous to say. But true. In fact, with Luke's cycle, we were talking about canceling because it stunk and I was responding JUST.LIKE.THIS.
So, on one hand, I think..."Those were perfect, even though they stunk."
On the other, I think, "I was younger. Those eggs were younger. This cycle COULD have been like last cycle and instead and comparatively, it STINKS!"
And obviously, I'm just bleh. I hate the dragging. I hate the regret. Wishing we'd not have as much lupron. Wishing we just scrapped it the other day. Just bleh.
I hate it.
I am still on the mega-drugs, and have to have lots more. Of course. Odds are this will go on to day 13, rather than the anticipated day 11. Matthew's cycle was a Day 11 Trigger, Luke's was Day 13 and Trey's was Day 12. Dragging.
I don't mind dragging. I just hate a crappy end to the dragging.
I saw something on FB this week and SO.FELT.IT:
Can't lie. Ready for the long groove to be over.