Wednesday, August 15, 2012

It's Ok.


I am very, very, very thankful for so many messages and nice comments today.  Truly, we are blessed.

We canceled this morning.  I went in and saw Dr. Greenhouse (I love him!) and it was just not great.  Still.

In fact, with all the heavy-duty medicine I've been taking, things were just about the same.  Those same three, measly follicles were the leaders and there was nothing else.

Oh, some fluid in my lining, meaning probably some lower estrogen levels still.

As I cried, and another Fair Oaks favorite friend Lori gave me tissues and rubbed my back, Dr. Greenhouse said just what I was thinking...

"If you were looking for a cycle to say we did the best we could and accepted the outcome with no regret, I don't think this is it for you."


Crying still, Dr. K called me.  I love that man too.  He was honest and open and sweet.  He told me he felt badly that what happened was what I was worried was going to happen, and he said he was sorry he was wrong and I was right.

Can I just say how.freaking.refreshing it is that a doctor is willing to validate me like that?????????

And because he was so honest and kind with me, I reminded him that this was very similar to Luke's cycle and "in hindsight," I'd not change a single thing!!!  He was SO right about that cycle and there was just really no way to know about this cycle.

Except my gut told me so.

Good old gut.  Well, my gut and that ultrasonographer last week, ha ha.

So here I am.  With God laughing at me and saying, "Never say never...or last."

I can't, can't, can't spend the rest of my life wondering if we'd just done what we did with Trey's cycle, would we get to have living siblings for Luke?

Dr. K agreed.  He said if I was willing to do another cycle (with this program, we actually have five more cycles...this was cancelled, so it doesn't really count), we'd do exactly what we did last cycle and I'd be able to accept that outcome as the best we could do...and have no regret.

I already have too much regret in my life. I can't choose to have more.

Which means, another cycle it is.  I start provera tonight, and hope to start birth control within the next two weeks for two or so weeks. Then, 7 days of lupron, just like last time, and then the heavy duty fsh drugs and monitoring for 11-12 days.  Which, if you add all that up, means another transfer would probably be around October 6th or so.

Does that date sound familiar?

As in, around the time I'd be giving birth to my third son?

Yeah, the irony is not lost on me.

But I am ok.  Really.  I feel more at peace today than I have in almost two weeks and I am so glad we didn't drag this all out to wasted retrieval.  We considered converting to IUI, but honestly, with John's military schedules, we just don't have the luxury of time.

So, starting asap.  And I'm ok.  I feel validated.  I feel like I am not completely inept at reading my body.  I feel like I want to scream at that other doctor, "I TOLD YOU SO!" and that would make me feel better. (It wouldn't. I am really, really, really trying to watch my tongue so that would just leave me with regret.)

Mostly, I feel like doing exactly what we are doing as we did with my best cycle ever is what I wanted to do in the first place, and now that we are, I truly can say this is the last one and we will accept the outcome.

With no regret.

Thanks for all the love today.  I felt it.  I was able to remember how unfortunate so, so many people in this world are and how very, very, very fortunate this girl is.

How fluffy my pillow is at night.  How easy it is for me to go get a glass of water.  How my child will never have to go hungry because we are so blessed.

I'm grateful, and in the big picture of so much awful in this world, this is not a big deal.

It's not.

And I'm ok.

Really, I am better than ok.  Seriously, how could I not be when this boy calls me "Mama!"?


  1. love you dear friend. fresh prayers are being said, you have been so heavy on my heart today (((hugs)))

  2. The gut feeling always trumps everything. I had one with my last cycle and was right also. Seeing your precious little one brings a smile to my face, and your strength helps others like me during our weak times so that we can move forward too....keep going.

  3. Yeah, that boy is pretty cute ;-). xoxo

  4. Lori I am so glad you can say you are ok, and more than that that you felt love today. I was honestly lost for words, just so very heartbroken for you. I prayed for you, and have been thinking a lot about you since I saw your fb post this morning. I am hopeful for you, and cheering you on the entire way my friend.

    Lots of love xoxox

  5. My gut tells me you will raise another child, alongside Luke ... and my God tells me He will listen when I call. So I'll be calling out on your behalf, everyday, knowing with all my faith and hope, that this cycle will bring something new and beautiful to your lives. Please LORD! Remember ... you are tiny, but scrappy! You keep pushing forward and doing things others would give up on, because you are an amazing mama to 3 boys, hoping to expand your heart some more! Love you, love you!

  6. In so many situations, there is heartbreak and unfair outcomes. This is no different and I hurt for your hurt.

    I am glad that you found peace and that ok place for now. And that is a gift that is hard to come by, but a blessing none the same.

  7. Your strength, conviction and faith inspire me. Luke is adorable as are Matthew and Trey. We continue to pray for G-d's blessings.

  8. I am glad to hear that you are doing okay, and that you will go for it one more time. No regrets whatever the outcome.

    Know that I am always praying for you, and praying this next cycle will be better!

    Lots of love, hugs and prayers,

  9. I will always hold you at the top of my list for the woman with the most balls! I know that you dont like those words ;) but I know YOU know that when I say it I mean it. It took alot of courage to cancel, and it took even more out of you physically having to do all that medication and stop, and now start again!!!

    oh lori i WISH you could see my JUMP UP when I saw you were going to try again!! I looked at the date of the transfer and my head shook...of all the days?? then I have to say of ALL the days, a day meant for one of your children, will continue to still be meant for one of your children.

    always loving you and your babies!!

    I dont want you to see

  10. Glad you were able to make a decision and feel peace about it. Will continue to keep you in prayer. I hope Oct. is a great month for you!

  11. Love you...and so glad you're ok, beautiful mama.

  12. Sweetest friend, first, love you! I just cry, cry, cry reading these honest, emotional, soul bearing words. Harsh realities that we work so hard to get our heads around and muster up the strength to will ourselves forward.

    I pray this next cycle is gentle on you. We look at our sweet boys and thank god for the gift, but I want you to know that it's okay to "want more"! IT IS OK :). Like you, I am SO GRATEFUL, but wanting an earthly sibling is something I desire as well. And we will achieve it! We will, somehow, someway, we WILL :)

    Love to you,

  13. Just ((((HUGS))))

    That boys is So STINKIN CUTE!!!!