It's Ok.

Wow.

I am very, very, very thankful for so many messages and nice comments today.  Truly, we are blessed.

We canceled this morning.  I went in and saw Dr. Greenhouse (I love him!) and it was just not great.  Still.

In fact, with all the heavy-duty medicine I've been taking, things were just about the same.  Those same three, measly follicles were the leaders and there was nothing else.

Oh, some fluid in my lining, meaning probably some lower estrogen levels still.

As I cried, and another Fair Oaks favorite friend Lori gave me tissues and rubbed my back, Dr. Greenhouse said just what I was thinking...

"If you were looking for a cycle to say we did the best we could and accepted the outcome with no regret, I don't think this is it for you."

Amen.

Crying still, Dr. K called me.  I love that man too.  He was honest and open and sweet.  He told me he felt badly that what happened was what I was worried was going to happen, and he said he was sorry he was wrong and I was right.

Can I just say how.freaking.refreshing it is that a doctor is willing to validate me like that?????????

And because he was so honest and kind with me, I reminded him that this was very similar to Luke's cycle and "in hindsight," I'd not change a single thing!!!  He was SO right about that cycle and there was just really no way to know about this cycle.

Except my gut told me so.

Good old gut.  Well, my gut and that ultrasonographer last week, ha ha.


So here I am.  With God laughing at me and saying, "Never say never...or last."

I can't, can't, can't spend the rest of my life wondering if we'd just done what we did with Trey's cycle, would we get to have living siblings for Luke?

Dr. K agreed.  He said if I was willing to do another cycle (with this program, we actually have five more cycles...this was cancelled, so it doesn't really count), we'd do exactly what we did last cycle and I'd be able to accept that outcome as the best we could do...and have no regret.

I already have too much regret in my life. I can't choose to have more.

Which means, another cycle it is.  I start provera tonight, and hope to start birth control within the next two weeks for two or so weeks. Then, 7 days of lupron, just like last time, and then the heavy duty fsh drugs and monitoring for 11-12 days.  Which, if you add all that up, means another transfer would probably be around October 6th or so.

Does that date sound familiar?

As in, around the time I'd be giving birth to my third son?

Yeah, the irony is not lost on me.



But I am ok.  Really.  I feel more at peace today than I have in almost two weeks and I am so glad we didn't drag this all out to wasted retrieval.  We considered converting to IUI, but honestly, with John's military schedules, we just don't have the luxury of time.

So, starting asap.  And I'm ok.  I feel validated.  I feel like I am not completely inept at reading my body.  I feel like I want to scream at that other doctor, "I TOLD YOU SO!" and that would make me feel better. (It wouldn't. I am really, really, really trying to watch my tongue so that would just leave me with regret.)

Mostly, I feel like doing exactly what we are doing as we did with my best cycle ever is what I wanted to do in the first place, and now that we are, I truly can say this is the last one and we will accept the outcome.

With no regret.

Thanks for all the love today.  I felt it.  I was able to remember how unfortunate so, so many people in this world are and how very, very, very fortunate this girl is.

How fluffy my pillow is at night.  How easy it is for me to go get a glass of water.  How my child will never have to go hungry because we are so blessed.

I'm grateful, and in the big picture of so much awful in this world, this is not a big deal.

It's not.

And I'm ok.

Really, I am better than ok.  Seriously, how could I not be when this boy calls me "Mama!"?