The Cry Of My Heart....

This morning's church service was very powerful.  We talked about James 4, and specifically how we need to give God control and want the wants HE wants for us, not the wants WE want for ourselves.

Ok.

So, how to know?

Obviously, He doesn't want me chasing another relationship, or making bad career choices based only on poor motivations, or a myriad of other, seemingly 'no-brainers' like our pastor talked about this morning.

Of course God doesn't want that for us, and if we pursue those things, we are bound to miss out on His best for us.

But what about the not-so-easy things?

What about children?  Gifts from the Lord, right?  Where does begging Him for children fall? He puts desire on our hearts, right?  What about having children?


For some people, it's super easy.  Blink, look at the opposite gender, and ta-da!  Pregnant.

For others, longer roads.

For me?  What seems like eternity. And so many opinions on what to do!

"Do this!"
"Do that!"
"Don't do this!"
"Don't do that!"
"Just adopt!"
"Just do IVF!"
"Don't adopt!"
"Don't do IVF!"

"Wait on God."
"In His time."
"According to His will."

How long does one wait?  How long does one pray?  To what lengths does one go?

One would tell me that IVF is circumventing God and I'll suffer the consequences. (Yes, that explanation of why Matthew died was given to me.  Not very well-received, let me tell you.)

Another would tell me that I should have done IVF sooner.

Another would say that I just need to wait for God to make it happen.

Another would tell me that God wants us to take responsibility and use people and technology He's given.

We started trying to bring a child in our family over 12 years ago.  We didn't do IVF until three years ago.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.

How long should I have waited?  What kept me going?  What kept driving me after that long?  There's no doubt IVF was the best choice for our family, and so many kept pushing us to 'never give up.'

So now, in light of losing Trey in April and the FET not working last month and this cycle being canceled, I'm getting the impression that a lot of people feel I should "cut my losses," and just be grateful for what I have.  Stop pushing.  Stop trying to force it.  Take all this as God's way of saying we are done and that's that.

What if I'd believed that after our several failed IUIs?  Or when the country from which we were adopting closed?  We'd never have attempted IVF.

Someone very close to me told me, "You say Luke is enough, but going through all of this, you don't act like it."

That stung.

But, it was someone who loves me, so I took it as a valid talking point and thought about it.

Is he enough?  If he was, why would we keep doing this?  Why am I continuing all this??  Why put all this time and money and physical and emotional toll in our lives when I am so, so, so, so completely in love with and content with that precious little boy?

People think these are such easy, black and white situations.

They are so.not.

Then, this morning, listening to how we need to submit to God and then singing, "My heart and my soul, I give You control," again, I questioned.

What.am.I.supposed.to.be.doing?

Of course, I know I am not in control.  In fact, I think people who have dead children know more than ANY body that we are SO not in control!

But, what if every failed attempt just stopped me altogether before I got to IVF?  No Matthew.  No Luke.  No Trey.  No one.

So I don't understand why people feel like I'm taking control away from God now and pushing something I shouldn't be pushing just because I want to do one more cycle with no regret.

(Seriously, I will never again, in public, say "Never" or "Last" again.  After this sentence, ha ha!)

Actually, I do understand.  I don't agree, but I understand.

And while Luke is absolutely what our worlds revolve around, it is because he is so amazing and we know it that I push.  When we lost Matthew, we only imagined what we lost.

Luke shows us in very clear, tangible ways how amazing it is to parent, but his every smile is a reminder of so much we've lost.

So again, I say, sue us for wanting more joy like Luke.  Sue us for loving him so much that we want more of the amazing that is being parents to living children.

Sue me for feeling like this was NOT the cycle to end on...that there may be something waiting for us...one, two more maybe?

Things aren't as easy as they seem.  Decisions are not as clear-cut as some might think.

And the people who feel I should just call it quits now are the same ones who constantly told me, "Be positive.  Keep thinking positive.  Just keep trying.  Don't give up..."  before AND after Matthew died.  After Luke was born and when we were thinking about doing one more shared risk cycle....

Now is not the time to change that tune.  I'm already having enough of a hard time.

I wonder how many people realize that every day I take a shower, I look at my stomach and think about where I should be?  What 32 weeks with Matthew looked like on me?  How different it was than 32 weeks with Luke?  What it would be like now?

That Luke still lifts my shirt and says, "Baby?  Baby?"

That I trace the outline of Matthew's eyes and nose on his pictures every time I go up and down the stairs?

That when he falls asleep in my arms, and he's really out, his mouth opens up just a bit and still, at nearly 20 months, Luke looks exactly like Matthew did in the pictures the nurses took after he died?


But still, I smile.
I laugh.
I'm happy.
I adore my little boy.

I grin and bear more than I sometimes feel is my fair share.

So, I truly, truly mean it when I say that the cry of my heart is to give God glory and praise...whether it's with more children we get to raise in our lives or not...that's my prayer.

I'm just waiting to find out which way it will be.