Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Cry Of My Heart....

This morning's church service was very powerful.  We talked about James 4, and specifically how we need to give God control and want the wants HE wants for us, not the wants WE want for ourselves.


So, how to know?

Obviously, He doesn't want me chasing another relationship, or making bad career choices based only on poor motivations, or a myriad of other, seemingly 'no-brainers' like our pastor talked about this morning.

Of course God doesn't want that for us, and if we pursue those things, we are bound to miss out on His best for us.

But what about the not-so-easy things?

What about children?  Gifts from the Lord, right?  Where does begging Him for children fall? He puts desire on our hearts, right?  What about having children?

For some people, it's super easy.  Blink, look at the opposite gender, and ta-da!  Pregnant.

For others, longer roads.

For me?  What seems like eternity. And so many opinions on what to do!

"Do this!"
"Do that!"
"Don't do this!"
"Don't do that!"
"Just adopt!"
"Just do IVF!"
"Don't adopt!"
"Don't do IVF!"

"Wait on God."
"In His time."
"According to His will."

How long does one wait?  How long does one pray?  To what lengths does one go?

One would tell me that IVF is circumventing God and I'll suffer the consequences. (Yes, that explanation of why Matthew died was given to me.  Not very well-received, let me tell you.)

Another would tell me that I should have done IVF sooner.

Another would say that I just need to wait for God to make it happen.

Another would tell me that God wants us to take responsibility and use people and technology He's given.

We started trying to bring a child in our family over 12 years ago.  We didn't do IVF until three years ago.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.

How long should I have waited?  What kept me going?  What kept driving me after that long?  There's no doubt IVF was the best choice for our family, and so many kept pushing us to 'never give up.'

So now, in light of losing Trey in April and the FET not working last month and this cycle being canceled, I'm getting the impression that a lot of people feel I should "cut my losses," and just be grateful for what I have.  Stop pushing.  Stop trying to force it.  Take all this as God's way of saying we are done and that's that.

What if I'd believed that after our several failed IUIs?  Or when the country from which we were adopting closed?  We'd never have attempted IVF.

Someone very close to me told me, "You say Luke is enough, but going through all of this, you don't act like it."

That stung.

But, it was someone who loves me, so I took it as a valid talking point and thought about it.

Is he enough?  If he was, why would we keep doing this?  Why am I continuing all this??  Why put all this time and money and physical and emotional toll in our lives when I am so, so, so, so completely in love with and content with that precious little boy?

People think these are such easy, black and white situations.

They are so.not.

Then, this morning, listening to how we need to submit to God and then singing, "My heart and my soul, I give You control," again, I questioned.

Of course, I know I am not in control.  In fact, I think people who have dead children know more than ANY body that we are SO not in control!

But, what if every failed attempt just stopped me altogether before I got to IVF?  No Matthew.  No Luke.  No Trey.  No one.

So I don't understand why people feel like I'm taking control away from God now and pushing something I shouldn't be pushing just because I want to do one more cycle with no regret.

(Seriously, I will never again, in public, say "Never" or "Last" again.  After this sentence, ha ha!)

Actually, I do understand.  I don't agree, but I understand.

And while Luke is absolutely what our worlds revolve around, it is because he is so amazing and we know it that I push.  When we lost Matthew, we only imagined what we lost.

Luke shows us in very clear, tangible ways how amazing it is to parent, but his every smile is a reminder of so much we've lost.

So again, I say, sue us for wanting more joy like Luke.  Sue us for loving him so much that we want more of the amazing that is being parents to living children.

Sue me for feeling like this was NOT the cycle to end on...that there may be something waiting for, two more maybe?

Things aren't as easy as they seem.  Decisions are not as clear-cut as some might think.

And the people who feel I should just call it quits now are the same ones who constantly told me, "Be positive.  Keep thinking positive.  Just keep trying.  Don't give up..."  before AND after Matthew died.  After Luke was born and when we were thinking about doing one more shared risk cycle....

Now is not the time to change that tune.  I'm already having enough of a hard time.

I wonder how many people realize that every day I take a shower, I look at my stomach and think about where I should be?  What 32 weeks with Matthew looked like on me?  How different it was than 32 weeks with Luke?  What it would be like now?

That Luke still lifts my shirt and says, "Baby?  Baby?"

That I trace the outline of Matthew's eyes and nose on his pictures every time I go up and down the stairs?

That when he falls asleep in my arms, and he's really out, his mouth opens up just a bit and still, at nearly 20 months, Luke looks exactly like Matthew did in the pictures the nurses took after he died?

But still, I smile.
I laugh.
I'm happy.
I adore my little boy.

I grin and bear more than I sometimes feel is my fair share.

So, I truly, truly mean it when I say that the cry of my heart is to give God glory and praise...whether it's with more children we get to raise in our lives or not...that's my prayer.

I'm just waiting to find out which way it will be.


  1. I am so sorry for the thoughtless, dumb comments people are giving you about IVF. Don't listen to them. Use that energy to listen for God instead. I wish people would keep their 'brilliant' opinions to themselves. We are behind you and John all the way, whatever you decide. We love you and I'm sorry for your pain.

  2. What's keep's us going? REsaid to me it's the feeling that your family is not complete

    Some days I really just wish God would just lay it out there....

  3. Only you know what your heart says, and if it's confused at times, there is no way anyone else can know. Only love and hope and prayers for peace coming from this little corner.

  4. Literally tears streaming down my face with this one. There are no answers and no one, I mean NO ONE can make that decision for you. The best answer/advice I ever received was to continue to pray for God's will to be your will. If His will is for you to be done and content, He will take that desire from your heart, that desire to try again, that desire to mommy more than one baby here on earth. If He doesn't then His plans aren't over. Period. I believe that with all that is within me, and pray that for you too. I know that you are obedient and that when He says it's time, you'll know it and you will stop. Prayers and love my friend, prayers and love!

    p.s. I have bawled ugly crocodile tears at this song more times than I can count, because when my heart was hurting most I felt the most like I wasn't bringing Him praise and honestly that is all I really want to do!

  5. Oh goodness my friend, I don't know (well I do, but I wish I didn't) how people can be so careless, wreckless with their choice of words- even with the best of intentions. Like someone else has said you can't apologize for that beautiful longing to just be a mommy again. How can anyone apologize for that? Some things are so hard *not* to want, and sometimes when the desire is so fervent, so pure- I like to believe God GIVES us those desires. Why else would they just stay to haunt us forever? Lori, you are one of THE most amazing mamas, and people I know, and I don't say that lightly or just because. You are in my thoughts a lot these days, and prayers. I am praying and rooting for you, all the way. Lots of love dear friend.

  6. I don't comment on blogs much anymore, but I am rooting for you. I think maybe the fact that you still have more fight left in you to try again could be God's answer. God has given you incredible strength and faith to keep going. And I hope it's for a wise and wonderful purpose - to make
    a brother or sister for Luke! Keep fighting until your desire becomes reality or if it doesn't happen, you can KNOW for certain that you did everything possible. Better to fight to the bitter end than to wonder "what if" the rest of your life - that's the thought that kept me going despite discouraging commentary like you've gotten. Praying for you!

  7. Wanting more of the joy and happiness that having a living child brings does not make you any less grateful for what you have. I find it to be true to be exactly the opposite. If you truly did not appreciate the amazing gift of Luke, or know how much love you continue to have to give, you wouldn't want for more of it so badly. The ability to try again and again knowing that the outcome may not be that of what you hope for and pray for shows your strength and passion towards being a mother and growing your family. Not everyone will always get that. And it's ok, at the end of the day, it isn't their life to live or their choices to live with.

  8. Of course you want more! I hope your next cycle is everything you dream it'll be, and that maybe you'll still consider adoption after that. I live in a country with so many orphans...

  9. At the end of the day, it is your life, your family, and your children. I think we (general we) have to find a balance between future happiness, regret, wonder, etc. and our current happiness.

    There will ALWAYS be "what ifs". Always. Even 10 years from now, when all of these child-bearing years are behind you, you will still wonder "what if". I personally don't like the "if I hadn't done x, then y wouldn't have happened so thank God for x". For me, it is a damaging and overwhelming way to think. Life is a series of sliding doors and obviously we where we go when our path offers us different directions will change our outcomes.

    You need to do what is right for you, John, and Luke. You need to be as happy as you can be in this place in your life.

    I know what it is like to look at IF treatments and go "hmmm". For us, we have decided we will never go down that road again. It puts me in a dark, ugly place and I just refuse to go there again when I have two children who need me. "What if" I am "supposed" to have another baby? And "what if" I did IVF again and had a beautiful baby - would I then look back and think "wow, how ignorant of myself to think some sadness wasn't 'worth it'".... But it has to stop somewhere. I could play that "what if" game about everything in my life for the rest of my life.

    If cycling one or ten more times is right for you - DO IT. I personally think it is the good old fashion gut check that is the most accurate. You love Luke and John and you are the best judge of your limits. Do what you need to do, girl.

  10. The desire to be a mom is such a deep one. We had four kids and I desperately wanted another baby. Several losses, lots of treatments, tons of prayers, and many tears, several baby. We did finally do IVF, and there was immense judgement that came with it. For me, it wasn't about not being "satisfied" with the four I had. It was such a deep desire to have another, and I always believed God put that desire there. It was a doozy, difficulty triplet pregnancy requiring fetal surgery (another long post), but in the end I have always felt like we did the right thing by prayerfully following our hearts. Above all, in the end, I always say no matter what it's only between you, your husband, and God. No other opinions matter. Hang in there, keep praying and follow your heart!

  11. I've been where you are now. I've sat at the verge of the unknown after losing not one, not two, but three precious little lives. I've questioned my motives, and sometimes even my sanity for continuing my pursuit of another child. Despite my very founded fears, my desire for a child hasn't wavered. Like you, I decided I'd try "for the last time". Now, all I can do is wait, hope, and pray that THIS will be the one I get to take home with me. My prayers are with you while you go through this too. Know you are not alone.

  12. In the scriptures it refers to "enduring to the end" a lot and it is a phrase that is used a lot with references to faith.

    Every post of yours that I read I am amazed not by your lack of faith or endurance to the end....but rather by how full of faith and endurance that you are, even in the worst of it.

    ...and it always helps me endure a little more of my own journey. When faith is hard and giving up seems easy.

    Don't give up. You can do hard things. I know, because you are teaching me that I can do hard things too.

  13. I am so sorry for insensitive comments. If you feel the push to do one more IVF cycle for peace of mind and no regret, and you do not feel any conviction coming from God then do it. People do not understand that no matter the pain you go through to get to ONE child, you would endure it again to get to another precious gift in your arms. Praying and hoping soon your prayers will be answered and Luke will have a little brother or sister growing in your tummy and eventually home safe in your arms.

  14. You have so passionately stated all your emotions! I know it has been very difficult to make these decisions. I am praying the Lord blesses your family with at least one more to love and teach about how great HE is!

  15. I did not struggle with infertility. But, I did struggle with having a healthy baby after our first son. We lost our Faith and Grace...and then our Thomas. I longed for another child still...and many thought we should "cut our losses". I heard the same statement from a well-meaning friend. "Timothy needs to be enough...why isn't he enough for you?"

    I understood what she was saying too. But, there was more to it than being you well know. That longing just doesn't go away so easily.

    Against many odds, and despite the skepticism of many...we had our James. And, would have gone on and we would have had peace and healing in our hearts even if he never came along. But, he is a precious gift that fills our house with joy...just like his brother did. Who is to say what is enough?

    You know the ache of your heart...and you carry it. No one else. You are a mom, seeking the Lord and you and your family, while leaning on His wisdom, are the only ones who can decide what is best.

    Much love and continued prayers for you, beautiful mama.

  16. The ones who comment are not necessarily being insensitive; they are perhaps being too sensitive. Too sensitive to bear watching your pain. Too sensitive to wait and let you work it out. They know there is a path toward peace and they want you to start on it. Of course, that's kind of like trying to guide your child to avoid a bumpy path toward love/marriage...kind of impossible! But we all still try to give advice. Some of what people have suggested obviously has merit, and I think it is a sign of maturity that you can try to mull it all over, even when rationality really does not enter in. We adopted 2 sp. need 6 yr olds when we were nearly empty nesters, a decision many were inclined to view as irrational. As we continue to adjust I sometimes even wonder if they were right, after another sleepless night. Yet, the feeling of certainty that our family building is DONE (maybe even overfull!) is priceless, and I would never begrudge a mother that, even though the path toward it is hard to navigate. So, grant some grace toward your naysayers...some advice I need to take to heart myself! They really do mean well, and I doubt they expected you to ponder their suggestions nearly so much. I bet they were just trying to help.

  17. I do not think your desire to try for more children means you don't appreciate what you already have as blessings. You of all people have a definite understanding of that more than most ever dream of knowing in their life time. If it is what is in your heart to do then pursue it :)I am in full support :) (not that you need my support or opinion to pursue it this amazing dream)