Sunday, October 10, 2010

No Reason and Every Reason....

Sometimes, it may *seem* like there really is no reason for the tears you *cannot* stop to be pouring out of you.

Then you realize that you visited your baby's grave after church like it was a normal part of life and remember that most days, you have EVERY reason for the tears to pour...you just do a good job of holding them in and trying not to let them control you.

A year ago this day, we celebrated the impending arrival of my sweet boy. It was a wonderful, wonderful day and though I originally protested the idea of a shower at all, I'm so thankful that my martyrdom was not paid one bit of attention and a beautiful day for me, John and Matthew was forever imprinted as priceless in our hearts and minds.

One year ago today.

I still just do not understand how that is possible.

When looking back for the post about the shower, I came across THIS post...and cried and cried and cried and cried.

And am still crying. Because even now, knowing how it all has turned out...my love and appreciation for that precious, precious baby boy has not waned one bit and though I am hurt and sad and angry and confused and so many other emotions I can't even name....one sticks out and rises above them all.

Grateful. I am so, so, so grateful for every second I was given to carry my son. I am grateful for every intimate and sacred moment only I got to share with him. I am grateful for his life and the lives he has touched in only the few hours he was born. I am grateful for his very existence and I am grateful for every gift and blessing I've known because of him.

No matter what, I cannot help but be on-my-knees grateful to God for giving me the miracle of motherhood to a most precious, precious boy.

Make that two precious boys.

SO...today, I admit is hard. Well, every day is hard, but some are harder for me to contain the emotions than others. This is one of those.

I may be backward in my feelings because I know for a lot of people, getting to 24 weeks or beyond is a really, really comforting place in a pregnancy. It's 'technically' the point where a baby could live; where there's theoretically something that could be done and the baby could live despite issues.

For me...I have to say that I somehow had more peace and assurance before we hit 24 weeks--when it was really out of anyone's control, and if truth be told, if something was to happen to the baby, there's nothing that could be done--there was NO denying that my or any caregiver's actions would be able to give a different outcome.

Because the bottom line is that we made it WAY past 24 weeks. We made it past delivery. We had a 'fighter', as his nurses called him.

And he still died. It seems to me that there's more scariness in theoretically being able to save a baby than there is in knowing that it's truly out of your hands before a certain time.

I just don't know how my heart could bear losing another precious boy. It can barely beat with the one we've already lost.

20 comments:

  1. This makes me feel so much better about my crying days. Praying a covering over you and Luke as you enter your scary time of pregnancy. Praying that God's will be done and that nothing would get in the way of keeping Luke alive and healthy and in your arms.

    ReplyDelete
  2. loving you so much today..... xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    always praying

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you and prying for you! {{{HUGS}}}

    ReplyDelete
  4. We all have our scary times, and you'll make it through yours. And Luke will be right there with you. That said, it's just impossible to live without these contradicting feelings. Lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm sorry you're feeling the weight of one of those very hard days. Those emotions...the hurt, the sadness, the anger, the confusion...get all tangled up with the gratefulness, and it's hard to make sense of what you feel sometimes. I'm praying for you, my friend, and remembering Matthew.

    ReplyDelete
  6. my heart breaks for you, lori. thinking of and praying for you.
    xoxo <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thinking of and praying for you Lori! I know that feeling of being sad and so grateful at the same time. Sending huge hugs your way!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It is so normal for you to be worried-and, at least for me, If I can be honest, I don't think there will ever be a "safe time." I mean, I had preterm labor so getting to viability made me relax a little-but by then I had found out about all sorts of other things! I just worried and worries. I just cannot wait for you until he is here and safe and snuggling in your arms. I just can't wait.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Praying and thinking about you...((sending hugs your way)). Keep believing!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The tears do just come flowing some days. I just said to my husband, "Are you ready to go visit Emma and Chase?" I say it now like it is totally normal that we go visit our babies at their grave. That alone makes me have tears. Thinking of you and sending so much love!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Big hugs, we drove by Jack's grave today becuase I just could not stop - I wish we did not have to. XX

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was not sure why until I read this blog post, but God has had you on my heart for the past two days. I am praying for you and little Luke. I will rejoice with you on the day you bring Luke home from the hospital. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  13. *bawling*

    And that very last part - I can't even tell you how much I GET that!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just lifting you up sweet friend!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can honestly say that there are many aspects of this post that I can relate with. The first thing is that I am greatful. Although I only got to see 18 weeks before meeting Anthony I am greatful for every moment. No one would have ever known about potential problems if it were not for Anthony. We are entitled to our moments to think about not only our little ones who are not with us but those who we are carrying, praying that they are able to come home and stay with us. Lots of hugs and prayers for you, John, and Luke. Your thoughts make me feel not so alone.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sending you so much love right now Lori.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lori, your response to my blog was amazing! that is exactly how I have been feeling! like you sid, it is a hard view to keep at times, and sometimes it is hard to see how life will pay off in the end in heaven, but it is the perspective I am going to ATTEMPT to live by:-) thank you again!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Your view on feeling more peace before viability vs. after makes perfect sense.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Grateful indeed for all that we were given with her.

    ReplyDelete