Friday, October 1, 2010

Deja New....

Deja Vu: 1. feeling of reliving something: a feeling of having experienced something before, although in fact it is the first time that it has been experienced.

Yesterday was my monthly appointment with the therapist who calls me on the phone. It's a really great benefit of my now dropped insurance, and she said she'll keep calling until I show up as not insured anymore. I figure I've had my last call since it's been a month since I dropped BC/BS.

Anyway, I love her. I've loved her since I started talking with her nearly 10 months ago. She's also in Maryland, and if she was closer, I'd go see her in person. She's suffered miscarriage, challenges me to think about things and go through them even if I don't want to because she and I both know in the end, if I don't it'll haunt me, and she always, always, always validates me and makes me feel so normal, all things considered.

So, when she called yesterday, I had to be honest in telling her the days have been hard. She of course realized a lot of that is attributed to the upcoming 'anniversary of the trauma' and the grief that is associated with that but that the hormones I have going on with Luke just get stronger and stronger as he grows and that it must be hard for me. She then went further on to postulate that this must be like a really sick sort of Deja Vu for me--being pregnant, at this time of year, with a sweet little boy, waiting to FINALLY hold a child in my, so, so many similarities and yet so very, very different. She told me she really couldn't even imagine how hard it must be and that she's just so proud of all the 'grief work' I've put in to be able to cope every day without having a nervous breakdown. (Really, she is just wonderful because she GETS how unbelievably taxing and hard and conflicting and emotional every day is and she gives me so much credit for even the littlest things...well, huge to me and to her, but little to most others who just don't know.)

She's right. If I am really honest, some days, I have some thoughts that are disturbing to me. It's fall...Matthew's season. It's LOOKING like this time last year. It's FEELING like this time last year. I'm doing so many of the SAME things I was doing this time last year. Getting a nursery organized...feeling like I have a million things to do before my life changes (again) forever...feeling a wiggly little baby boy growing in my stomach. Even though at this time last year, I was about 6 weeks further along with Matthew than I am now with Luke, looking at pictures and feeling like I feel--I'm about as big this time as I was then and so I even physically FEEL the same as I did last year.

September 26, 2009--I was 31w5d with Matthew. Carrying lower (much!) but just about as big as I am NOW at 24weeks!

September 30, 2009--My sweet, sweet friends at school threw us an amazing face was starting to fill out (thanks, fluid!) but my belly was just starting to look like it does NOW!

I know this is Luke.

I know it's not Matthew.

But some moments catch me, and I have to be very purposeful in defining the difference.

It's so much the same.

And so won't ever be again.

No, it's not Deja Vu...I KNOW this is a different child and a different experience.

But it sure does feel like Deja New.


  1. Thinking of you as the date approaches for Mathew going to heaven and thinking of how wonderful it will be to hold Luke in your arms. <3

  2. Big hugs! I know this is not easy on you. It can't be. I am praying for you, John and baby Luke. Hang in there friend. Know that the more you lean, the stronger His arms that envelope you!

  3. Our son Joshua experiences the same thing every fall, Lori...I always sense with the changing of the seasons that somehow we are going to revisit old pain with him, and every year we do...sometimes in new and improved ways. He was so young, but at 11 months old fall is when we left Kazakhstan with him and inevitably this is when the pain surfaces.

    This will be the first of many falls for you when it will hurt. No playing games with that one. But it can also be a healing time for you as you make it through this one, then the next, then the one after that and find your resilient core as you speak lovingly to Matthew each and every year at this time.

  4. **tears** I feel like sometimes you just read my not 'exactly' in your shoes but this time last year i was early in a pregnancy, this time last year i was looking fwd to all the holidays being pregnant for the FIRST time...this year I am early in pregnancy, this year I am NOT looking fwd to the holidays as they are really triggering the 'where should i be by now' thoughts and its so therapist and i spoke last night too...she challenged me to 'start' to think of maybe holding an infant little girl to get past the sensitive to see them etc....i thought about it and its just not time for me, i cant do it....i admire what you have done and i wonder if maybe i been crying so much this week cause of the hormones, seasons, or everything combined, its been a while since i cant 'keep it together' just made me realize maybe its physically not possible to balance the two right now xoxoxo

  5. It's hard to even fathom the amount of grace the Lord must be providing just to keep your head above the water some days. All in all, we know nothing can heal such deep and festering wounds ... "nothing but the blood of Jesus." And even then, it's hard to accept, because the lifetime it takes to bring us to Him and our inheritence can be a little bit overwhelming. I'm thankful that you are His and that He makes us all such a priority of His love and mercy. I'm thankful for the people in your life who help you and love you in these times of heartbreak and longing. Love you, sweet, sweet friend.

  6. No, it's not the same child but it's a LOT of the same experiences. I've thought about this aspect for you a lot. It's been hard enough for me being pregnant again so soon after losing Caleb, but at least the things I was doing this time last year were quite different than what I am doing now. This time last year I was 4 days away from finding out that Caleb was here. I might be only 3 months away from his birthday, but that wasn't what we had planned for and expected. Luke will always carry a part of Matthew with him because of their spacing and the fact that Matthew was born at term. You will always see the shadows of Matthew and that will always be bittersweet. (((HUGS)))

  7. I'm glad you have such a good person to talk to on the phone who understands! I'm sure it can feel like deja vu

  8. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as Matthew's date approaches. Sending you big hugs!!!

  9. I so understand how the sights, sounds, and feelings of a season can bring it all back.

    Love and prayers for you as you continue this path...

  10. I so completely get it. There were 6 months between my twins and when I conceived Avery, but they were so early that I was only off a month pregnancy wise. Christmas and other calendar milestones especially felt so weird. All of the same expectations---but so different. There were times when I just wanted SO badly for it to still be the twins inside of there. This still makes me feel really bad, but a couple of times I told strangers that I was pregnant with twins. Horrible. I just missed the excitement of multiples and I think I know I will never ever get that back. Ugh. Anyway-this is so hard and I'm just so sorry you have to go through it.
    Keep chugging, mama.

  11. Lots and lots of hugs. I know there are times when I envision holding Samantha in my arms and all I can see is my Matthew's face. It lead to a long cry fest in the shower this morning because I know it's not him and I feel like she deserves better. Hoping the days fill with peace as they pass.

  12. I can't imagine how you feel, just wanted to send you some love!

  13. You've probably heard about this and will be there but I thought I'd pass along the info just in case. My friend Monique mentioned it on FB. It's in Wildewood. We used to live on Rosewood Court.

    btw We were in SoMD last month for a wedding but at the last minute ended up going to the Callaway campus service. It would have been fun to have met you! You guys must have started going to LBC either shortly before we left or after.

  14. Actually, here's the direct link: