Thursday, October 28, 2010

That time...

I told my sweet friend Nanci that this time of the month comes whether I want it to or not.

The time when another marker for Matthew is here.

I'd have an 11-month old. If he was like his mommy, he might even be walking. I walked at 9 months. Places to go, you know.

I bet his hair would be long enough to see little curls at the bottom. He might have some teeth. I bet I'd melt when he cried because that little dimpled chin would probably quiver like crazy when he did...mine does and he had my chin. I have no doubt that he'd giggle all the time at his silly puppies. Well, Sammy. He might not giggle so much if Dixie snarked at him.

My back would probably hurt like it does now, but only because I doubt I'd be able to put him down--I'd want to snuggle him all the time. We'd have had pictures in the pumpkin patch and in the fall leaves and we'd munch on the baby apple fritters I'd make him. Rather, he'd munch on them.

We'd be getting him ready for his first fall festival and costume. We ALMOST bought it last year when John saw it in Babies 'R Us after Halloween--it was a sweet lobster outfit and I just loved it. I loved that John loved it even more. I told him that we should hold off because buying stuff like that almost a year out was a bit risky since we didn't know sizing. (Writes the woman with two huge tubs of baby boy clothing sized 2T in the basement.)

We didn't buy it because I didn't know how big (or little) he'd be.

Not because I thought he'd be dead.

I went to the cemetery after Bible Study yesterday, something I pretty much do anytime I have a doctor's appointment or study. I wanted to bring some fall flowers. I finally broke down and got a silk flower arrangement so I don't have to worry about the fresh flowers we bring dying and just looking pitiful. When I got there, the pansies I planted not too long ago were blooming nicely, and they were red and gold--beautiful for fall. I was so glad to see them.

As I stood there, I prayed. I prayed for God to keep reminding me He exists and holds my heart. I gave thanks for my sweet, sweet little one whose precious body lay right there under my feet. I thanked God for the amazing miracle of the wiggly little brother who was squirming around telling me it was time for lunch.

I stared at his marker. Gift of God. So, so, so, so true.

I thought about how children truly ARE gifts from God. Miracles. Blessings. Amazing displays of God's grace and mercy and love.

And then I got bitter for a second. You shouldn't have to give a gift back.

I think this time is just harder now because it's so close to his birthday. I've had John go on enough deployments and trips to know that the anticipation/lead-up to him leaving is WAY worse than him being gone sometimes. I think that's what's happening now...I imagine the lead-up is going to be more difficult for me than the actual day.'s that time. It hurts every day, but some days more than others.

Missing my sweet little lobster....

This was the was not included, of course.


  1. Your post reminds me that today is 19 months. Wow. Tonight is our trick or treat and I so wish that I was dressing up 3 little girls instead of just 2. Will we be wishing like that our entire lives??

    Children are certainly precious gifts.

  2. I understand so, so much. I wish you had your little lobster with you this week-end. I wonder the same thing as Holly, but I think I know the answer. I don't see that it will ever change...

  3. xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    holding you close today

  4. My heart aches for you, Lori. No matter how many babies are in our arms, we'll always long for the ones who aren't.

  5. That pierced my heart. I'll make this day all for you. All prayers and hopes and virtual hugs ... all yours.

  6. Praying for you as you miss your sweet little lobster. We don't stop missing and wondering and loving, that's what makes us mothers even when others don't see us that way! Love you, John, Matthew, and Luke!!

  7. I know how you feel, just 9 short days away from the anniversary, that time of month comes around far too quickly sometimes. Sending lots of love and hugs and prayers for you Lori, Luke and John.
    It is so difficult not to imagine what we should be doing and what we would be looking at had our babies been here with us, I don't think it will ever go away, because we never get to experience that do we ? It just seems to be such a burning hole. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  8. cute costume, I have tubs and tubs of toys and clothes meant for Ella, and some of them are getting used now with little miss, but I still look at the 2t tub and think of Ella should be wearing them, how this halloween would be so different with a crazy 2 year old..I think even if we have 32 babies each, we'll always think of how the ones taken too soon should be this age and doing this or that..((hugs))

  9. ****tears*****

    I dont even really have words...but i know what you mean...and halloween sucks, and we shouldnt have to give gifts back..should i just say "DITTO" and make it fast...that costume is awesome...and I wish he was wearing it...this is hard..the whole thing...and i am feeling more alone each day....not so alone today though after reading this post <3 thinking of you & your boys

  10. (((LORI)))

    I felt so much ring true in my own life by the memories you share of Matthew.

    I remember finally letting myself by Evan and Zac their special "blankies" and a pair of socks each, and the cutest matching hoodies and a few outfits. Everything where there were two sets/items purchased...and then having to let go of one set. You are's hard not to be bitter when you have to let go of such a precious gift as your own child.

    When the boys one year birthday rolled around...I felt sheer anxiety. Here I would be preparing a party for Evan, yet grieving the fact his twin brother would not be mashing the cake or smacking balloons, or giggling while everyone sang.
    It is a pretty tough milestone. I won't lie.

    I am praying for you both as Matthew's birthday approaches. Praying for you all as you rejoice in the new life of Luke, while mourning the loss of Matthew.
    It's a bitter-sweet tug-of-war and a tough roller coaster of emotions.

    Hugs to you dear friend!!!

    Heather (heathershope - HP)

  11. Oh Lori, sometimes it just plain sucks, doesn't it. I make a lot of quick trips to visit with Isaiah. Your words speak so strongly in my heart....."I prayed for God to keep reminding me He exists and holds my heart." I know this all to well. I have to continually fill up my tank of faith. I love having all of you to help me with this along the way. Just as I love to walk with you all and support you during these difficult paths we walk.

    Matthew would have been the cutest little lobster.... Now, he's a beautiful angel. ((hugs))

  12. You shouldn't have to give a gift back....*tears*. This struck such a strong chord with me Lori, as it hit home.

    Continuing to pray for you always and thanking you for being so supportive of me and the little pumpkin.

    I took a walk down memory lane today too and as always, it just hurts. Then, I found myself praising God and thanking him for the growing miracle inside my tummy. I suppose the bitter will always accompany the sweet in some way, but I'm thankful for the sweetness.

    Much Love to you and prayers being sent up always.


  13. Your post made me cry, and I love the costume. I'm thinking about you and I agree that the lead up is really hard. Sending lots of love.....

  14. (((hugs)))

    Being a 9 yr veteran of bittersweet birthdays, I can say that the lead up has always been harder from that the day of. Weird. I find myself moody & just generally in a funk for most of the month, but once the day comes (24th), it seems the weight of dread has lifted, I can grieve and go on.

    This one will be hard, Lori. You know that. But I promise the heart wrenching pain will EASE. Sometimes it still grips me & I feel I can't breath. But it's much less often & lasts less time.

    I wonder what they'd have wanted to be this year? (sigh)

  15. {{{Lori}}}
    I just was thinking of you and Matthew and wanted to drop by. Praying for you both here at 11 months and as that 1-year-landmark looms larger. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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