Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A year with our miracle...the best and worst year of my life

My 300th post.

Bittersweet, still. I need to find another synonym for bittersweet. Unfortunately, that "Mom" brain (aka Placenta Brain, but I prefer Mom) that I sort of pooh-poohed as not a real and physiological phenomenon but now TOTALLY believe in leaves me at a loss for words. Often.

This is a hard post because I have spent all morning realizing that I am so not as technologically savvy as I once used to be. I had to figure out how to turn the slideshow that John made for Matthew's funeral into a youtube video and then how to get that onto here. As I type, I'm still not convinced that it will work. If not, forgive me, I'll keep working on it but at a later time because it is too hard right now...emotionally, that is.

I was so proud of John for not only wanting to do this, but being able to do so as well. I remember saying I was not all that keen on taking pictures, but for John, I did. I am so very glad I did because they are now memories of the best and worst year of my life. Actually, it really wasn't *me* I was taking pictures of, but Matthew...and that was worth it!

I'll be changing the blog on January 1st. This background and header were perfect for my little monkey, and I planned to keep it until the end of the year so I could upload it to blurb and then change at the beginning of the year to reflect what was going on with Matthew at the time. I don't know what I'll change it to, but I know that every time I log onto it, it hurts my heart to see. It makes me smile, but it hurts my heart. Again, bittersweet. I pray for the day when it isn't quite as hard. I know it will never be easy.

Thank you, John, for putting this together and for the wonderful and precious memories.

Before you watch this, know I am aggravated beyond belief about that stupid wondershare thing on all the slides. Why offer a free trial if you are going to mark it like that. I'd rather pay some and have it CLEAN. I may figure out how to do it without that stupid mark, but in the meantime, here's what we had at the funeral, except for that dumb Wondershare mark.


  1. Love you extra. Praying for you extra.

  2. I watched this with the sound off because I am at work and I thought that would be the "safest" way to view it. But even still, I couldn't hold back the tears. What a precious baby...and that look of sheer joy and happiness on your face while you were makes my heart ache for you as I ache for my own sweet Madelyn.

  3. Oh I am so touched by your video and teary eyed too. Praying for a happy new year for you. I'm so sorry this has happened. He is beautiful and so are you for sharing your story.

  4. Thank you for sharing these special moments and memories. Matthew will always be your little monkey. He is just so beautiful. I think of you often and know that God has great things in store for both of you.

  5. Lori,
    Matthew's video was so beautiful and moving. A true work of love. Thank you for letting us "meet" your beautiful son. I'm praying for your heart and healing.

  6. What a beautiful tribute.

    2010 will bring new promise and healing.

    lot of love to you and John

  7. Such a beautiful story !! Thank you for sharing.

  8. Beautiful...

    {{{tearful hugs}}}

    I've never found a better word than "bittersweet" either.

  9. Beautiful video. We are all so changed by Matthew's being and departure from what we thought this time would be for you. I cannot fully put into words yet exactly the effect it has had on me so I am truly impressed that you are able to organize your thoughts as well as you have been Lori. I am so grateful for your words here and I am hopeful for you too.

  10. lori,
    what a beautiful video full of the most precious memories. i cannot thank you enough for sharing your precious baby with us. i pray for you and john each day, and keep you always in my heart.

  11. Sweet baby Matthew... Ellie watched this video with me and she waved at all of you through the whole video and reached out several times to touch sweet baby Matthew. I don't know how he managed to do it -- it is a beautiful tribute.

  12. Bless you my friend. May God continue to carry you as He is carrying Matthew close to His breast. I know your pain is great and deep. I know His love is great and deep. And so is His healing. I bring you to Him, I bring you to Him. I love you dear one.

  13. amazing, beautiful, incredible family you are -- such an incredible tribute to you all - may you find your way back to hope and joy in the new year -- and know so many care and are cheering you there... and with you, you will always carry the sweet and precious memories of your little matthew, your angel.

  14. What a beautiful tribute to your precious son! And so wonderful that it came from your husband.

    Always thinking of you,


  15. I am glad I had tissues close by to wipe my tears. What a wonderful tribute to your son. He is so very beautiful as are you and John.

    May time help to heal your heart.


  16. We'll always cherish his pic's and this video. We'll always cherish you for letting us be apart of your memories of Matthew. There was not a dry eye at the funeral watching this and not a dry eye here at the house watching this..

    The tears still sting my eyes and my heart still hurts for you and John.
    Little Matthew is looking down at you knowing how much the two of you love him. He knows how lucky he is to have the most "God loving parent's" as yourselves. He knows you and him are never far apart, he's still right there in your hearts.
    We love U Lori and John!! <3

    A special thank you to Matthew, we will meet you in Heaven little guy! Oh, yes we will!

  17. What a beautiful baby Matthew is. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Many prayers coming your way.

    (I found the link to your blog from Hannah's Prayer- I live in Maryland, too- Carroll County- and I lost my little girl in Dec 07.)

  18. Well done, and precious, just precious. Tears flowed freely. Matthew is truly a gift from God.

  19. Thank you for sharing your beautiful video and tribute to Matthew. Please know that our family prays for yours!