In 14 minutes, Matthew would be one month old.
Funny that my life is now being monitored in minutes. That's how I seem to be living these days...minute by minute.
I've spent nearly the last year of my life in weeks--2 week wait, we're pregnant! 6 weeks, there's a heartbeat and it's great! 8 weeks, our Gummi Bear is beautiful! 12 weeks, great neuchal test. 20 weeks, he's a boy! 26 weeks, he has a good chance of survival if born. 32 weeks, I'm huge and he's not so much, but that's ok. 37 weeks, if he's born from any point on, life should still be fine. 40 weeks, he's living it up in Hotel Mommy. 40 weeks and 4 days...and he's dead. 44 weeks and 4 days and I'm still crushed...heartbroken and devastated. Still. Forever.
It's hard to believe it's been a month. It seems like yesterday that my entire world crashed. Yesterday he was still with me....yesterday, I felt him kick. Yesterday, daddy read to him and he bounced all over the place. If I could only have yesterday back.
And yet, I'm soooo thankful that this month is almost over. It's one down in the long string of months I have to spend without Matthew and wondering about what could have been...missing what was.
And I'm just crushed. Still. Forever.
I am glad that this month is almost over for you. The next one will be just a little bit better. I am still by your side. Wishing I could hug you for real. Love Amber
ReplyDeleteOh, Lori, of course you're crushed. But you know what my word verification is? It's "outwins." Yup, really. You will prevail.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking about you all EVERY day. I know you are crushed and you have every right to be. I am glad this month is passed and I pray that as each month passes that God will give you the strength you need.
ReplyDeleteThere isn't an hour that has gone by that I haven't thought of you and John. You will be Matthew's mommy and daddy forever. I continue to ask God to hold you in His arms and give you the strength you need to get thru each hour of every day. Love you dear friend.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about counting life in minutes. I found myself counting the time since our loss in minutes, then days, then weeks, and only recently in months. And then it's the countdown to what's next. I just hate that you are going through this. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about this day for you...I actually thought about it several times, that this would be his one month birthday and how hard it would be. You will win.
ReplyDeleteThere is not a word that I can say that will make it better. I know that the pain is there. It will always be there but eventually it won't hurt so much. He is in heaven and you will see him again. I like Terri's verification--outwins--it does go one and you will prevail. I'm thinking of you and my prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteLori - I wish I could do something to take your pain away. I have been thinking about you and John so often during this holiday and hoping you found some comfort in family and friends caring for you during this time of year (and always). Xo, J
ReplyDelete