Monday, December 14, 2009

The New Normal

If you Google "New Normal" you will see many articles that pertain to the recession and/or the economy.

To me, it is something that has been forced upon us. I expected the New Normal to be so, so much different.

Family would be gone...John would go back to work....and Matthew and I would share precious and priceless moments at home living the white picket life I have been dreaming of forever. We'd nap, we'd make cookies for daddy; we'd simply adjust to a perfect little life and finally rejoice in our miraculous family.

My New Normal is hell. It's a life without any of that, and no matter how one dices it, it is horrible. It's a life that I have to literally wake up to every morning wishing I could just stay in bed for the rest of my life. I can't even swallow sometimes because tears just overwhelm me. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, and am sickened at the thought of not having Matthew with me to the point of nausea.

I always joked with John that women who said that they loved being pregnant and wished they could be pregnant forever were lying because the backache and hip pain and foot pain and heartburn and all the rest certainly was NOT fun or love-worthy. That's not what they meant, though...what they meant was that they felt special. They felt they had purpose. They felt that there was nothing more important in the world than directing every little loving intention and action to this treasure that only they knew. *That* is what they love, and *that* is what they would want forever. I know this because this is exactly how I feel right now. That's the part of pregnancy that women miss, but most times, they have a beautiful little bundle of joy that gives them something new about which they feel that special purpose and intimacy. In this, I am empty and aching.

A sweet friend wrote to me and told me that she thought as John did that I should continue this blog, and still bind yearly and do as I planned before we lost Matthew, as this is our family's story. She is so is the story of our family, tragic and heartbreaking as it is to us right now. My hope, my deepest heart's desire is that one day in the near future, we'd be able to share our family story with Matthew's brother(s) or sister(s) and be joyful for the opportunity to do so.

Many have asked, and frankly, I always remain overwhelmed at the thought of anyone actually reading what I write! We are still in Shady Grove's program, which is a blessing in that we are still able to retain hope in having a bigger family here on earth. All doctors and specialists involved want me to wait 3 months for healing to begin the next cycle. Time feels like eternity, for so many reasons, but I want to spend the next few months taking care of myself, and gearing myself up for the ups and downs that come with IVF and whatever comes next. One would think that having 5 more fresh cycles, as well as any frozen cycles that we may have, odds would be good for us to be successful with pregnancy again in the next year. Then again, the odds of this horror happening to us were less than .02%....that's right, less than two-hundredths of a Dr. Shonekan has told me that she no longer wants to hear me talk about odds and in that, I must agree. As I was told to cling to...."Everything works for the good of those who love the Lord." That's what I have to focus on and that's what I have to believe.

As always, I cannot express enough gratitude or appreciation for all the prayers and thoughts being sent to me and to John. I cannot believe that there were over *1100* hits to this blog the Monday we got home from the hospital. There are people all over the world--complete strangers--who are offering such comforting and encouraging words...please know that I am forever grateful for the support and John is so encouraged and touched as well. Please continue to lift us in your prayers, for I won't lie that my faith is surely being tested and I covet your prayers.

To my New Normal....


  1. Lori,
    I just wanted to tell you and your husband how deeply sorry I am for what you have had to go through. I can't even imagine how hard this healing process has been or is going to be for you and I just want you to know that I wish you both strength and peace during this process. I'm a fellow member of the IVPF group and a new Mommy to a VP survivor. I first saw your post there and felt immense guilt. I wish I could help take some of the pain you are having to go through away. Your story is heartbreaking and I wish there was more I could do for you than just saying how sorry I am. I wish you guys the best and many prayers are being sent your way. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
    Many hugs,

  2. Totally understand what you went through as i lost my son Issac in NICU 46 days after he was borned. It was in March, but till today, it still hurts.

    You will be in my prayer and yes, pls dont lose faith and trust in Lord!

    cheers, a stranger from Singapore

  3. I'm so glad that you are writing. I am so heartbroken for you. I wish that our words could help you. I just can't imagine that they really can make any dent in the huge valley of grief. Your words help US tho to know that although you are NOT okay you are slowly moving in that direction. (((hugs)))

    the word verification for me says andmorf :and more f... hmm... that feels positive to me. Not sure what the f is but I want you to have more! :)

  4. You and John are constantly in my thoughts and in my heart. I love you!!! Just take things day by day.

  5. Lori - I wish I could provide some comfort for you. I am thinking of you, every day. Love, Me

  6. Lori, thinking of you every day. I'm so glad you have found a good support network.

  7. Lori, Your are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I hurt for you and John more than I thought possible, but also know it is a mere smidgen of the pain you are feeling. I too am grateful to read your words and know that you are perservering, as tough as that is right now. I wish I could do more! I love you!!

  8. There has not been a day I have thought of you so often these last few weeks. Life certainly is not always fair but, God does have a plan and I so pray you can hold on to that hope. We pray for your family everyday for healing.Hugs to you.

  9. Thinking of you guys lots and praying for you as you tackle this new normal.

  10. Praying for you guys. HUGS from afar.

  11. Oh dear one,

    You remain, as always, in a very precious place in my heart. One that is protected and comforted and prayed over at all times. It is the spot that I reserve for my dearest beloved, and that is you, and will remain you for a very long time. Because the rest of my heart is broken. And I must keep you here so that I can place you before our Father on an hourly basis. I love you so very very much. And I wish I had a magic wand more than anything in the whole world.
    Please let me know if you need anything from afar this week; I know it will be tough.

  12. Sweet, sweet, Lori. I'm so sorry that you have to life this new normal. Had a conversation with a mutual friend today and we talked about some of the things going on with our virtual friends today, you included. We know you feel so weak, but you are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You are beginning the horrible process of healing both physically and mentally and I'm sure it will be a long hard road. I so wish I had the ability to just wave a wand and spare you of all of this tragedy and pain. Sometimes breathing is just hard, isn't it? You are my hero, friend, and I love you!!! One day we have to meet, eh? :-) {{Hugs}}

  13. Oh, and I fully agree with whoever commented that you need to keep writing. I think the writing, addressing the emotions and feelings, is a really healthy outlet for you. If you truly don't feel comfortable sharing it -- make a private blog or write in a journal.

    Ironically, I look back frequently at the feelings I had back in K'stan on Trip 1 and am moved at God's grace, goodness and His love for us during that really horrible time. My hope is one day you'll be able to do that as well.

  14. Lori I am not good with words, but I think and pray for you,John and Matthew everday. You are an amazing person and I am sure Matthew knows that among all!

    Lots Of Hugs,


  15. More beautiful words in your sidebar information... Praying again for comfort as you make these changes that were expected to be so different. Love you.

  16. I wish I knew exactly what to say, but I don't. I can simply tell you that my heart breaks for you, and you are in my prayers often. God is faithful, and He never gives us more than we can handle. Be strong; He is always with you!!

  17. Lori,

    It was nice to see you & John at church today. I've missed your faces! I was just reading back through some of your posts, and this one touched me. God has blessed you with a gift in your writing. I feel that He will use this gift to help others face their futures without their precious newborns. I don't know His plans for you & John...I have definitely questioned and cried to Him on your behalf.

    One day, it will be a joy to tell Matthew's siblings that he was SO loved by God, that God needed him in heaven right away!