If you Google "New Normal" you will see many articles that pertain to the recession and/or the economy.
To me, it is something that has been forced upon us. I expected the New Normal to be so, so much different.
Family would be gone...John would go back to work....and Matthew and I would share precious and priceless moments at home living the white picket life I have been dreaming of forever. We'd nap, we'd make cookies for daddy; we'd simply adjust to a perfect little life and finally rejoice in our miraculous family.
My New Normal is hell. It's a life without any of that, and no matter how one dices it, it is horrible. It's a life that I have to literally wake up to every morning wishing I could just stay in bed for the rest of my life. I can't even swallow sometimes because tears just overwhelm me. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, and am sickened at the thought of not having Matthew with me to the point of nausea.
I always joked with John that women who said that they loved being pregnant and wished they could be pregnant forever were lying because the backache and hip pain and foot pain and heartburn and all the rest certainly was NOT fun or love-worthy. That's not what they meant, though...what they meant was that they felt special. They felt they had purpose. They felt that there was nothing more important in the world than directing every little loving intention and action to this treasure that only they knew. *That* is what they love, and *that* is what they would want forever. I know this because this is exactly how I feel right now. That's the part of pregnancy that women miss, but most times, they have a beautiful little bundle of joy that gives them something new about which they feel that special purpose and intimacy. In this, I am empty and aching.
A sweet friend wrote to me and told me that she thought as John did that I should continue this blog, and still bind yearly and do as I planned before we lost Matthew, as this is our family's story. She is so right...it is the story of our family, tragic and heartbreaking as it is to us right now. My hope, my deepest heart's desire is that one day in the near future, we'd be able to share our family story with Matthew's brother(s) or sister(s) and be joyful for the opportunity to do so.
Many have asked, and frankly, I always remain overwhelmed at the thought of anyone actually reading what I write! We are still in Shady Grove's program, which is a blessing in that we are still able to retain hope in having a bigger family here on earth. All doctors and specialists involved want me to wait 3 months for healing to begin the next cycle. Time feels like eternity, for so many reasons, but I want to spend the next few months taking care of myself, and gearing myself up for the ups and downs that come with IVF and whatever comes next. One would think that having 5 more fresh cycles, as well as any frozen cycles that we may have, odds would be good for us to be successful with pregnancy again in the next year. Then again, the odds of this horror happening to us were less than .02%....that's right, less than two-hundredths of a percent....so Dr. Shonekan has told me that she no longer wants to hear me talk about odds and in that, I must agree. As I was told to cling to...."Everything works for the good of those who love the Lord." That's what I have to focus on and that's what I have to believe.
As always, I cannot express enough gratitude or appreciation for all the prayers and thoughts being sent to me and to John. I cannot believe that there were over *1100* hits to this blog the Monday we got home from the hospital. There are people all over the world--complete strangers--who are offering such comforting and encouraging words...please know that I am forever grateful for the support and John is so encouraged and touched as well. Please continue to lift us in your prayers, for I won't lie that my faith is surely being tested and I covet your prayers.
To my New Normal....