Let me repeat, amazing and wonderful.
Though John, being a good Marine, would "Harumph," at my comment, I can honestly say that he loved Matthew so much he would have carried him if he could. (Please, no need to remind me of the Pregnant Man...really, this is simply the best analogy I can think of to establish how deeply John loved Matthew.)
I am so glad I have been able to chronicle the excitement I was so honored to see in John throughout the last months...excitement about conception. Excitement about his first heartbeat...when we saw little arms and legs...when he thought he was having a Molly...when he learned mommy was right and he was a Matthew...watching my stomach bounce, seeing him yawn, seeing him breathe and swim in my tummy....holding his hand and kissing his head. I can honestly say, without a doubt, that there is no other person on this planet who loved Matthew as much as I did--save his daddy. I knew he loved him from the second he knew of him, and honestly, I don't even think John knew how in love with him he was until he held him...for men, sometimes, I just don't know that they can understand that depth until they hold them.
I've always known that John was going to be a good dad...you can tell a lot about a man in how he treats his dogs and his mother. I know, I know...bad pairing, but it's true. A man who loves his mother and loves his dogs is a man that will love his children.
I never realized what an amazing dad John would be until the night he held Matthew in his arms as Matthew's little heart beat for the last few times...the strength he had to be there for his son amazes me! The love and devotion he had knowing there was no other place he could be is so pure.
I did not get to hold Matthew...in the traditional sense. He was whisked away, in an isolette, and gone....I maybe got to see him alive for all of 5 minutes put together, and that's a high estimation. But I held him in a most intimate and wonderful way and for that, I am forever grateful. People tell me they are sorry I did not get to hold him, and I have to honestly say, I'm not. I knew him so intimately...and that's priceless. In the most *unfair* of situations, I find it only fair that his first heartbeats began in me and his last ones were in the arms of his daddy...loving him and holding him tightly. I am so glad he was able to have that, for he loved Matthew just as much as I.
It just breaks my heart for John that it couldn't be more.
I can't write much more right now, my heart hurts and I'd like to stop crying for a bit. I just couldn't let another second go by without noting what an amazing man I married and how I hope and pray that he is able to be daddy to another son or daughter...and for longer than 8 precious hours. There is not a man alive that deserves it more.
John wrote this poem for Matthew, and it was on the funeral bulletin. I often joke that he got the Math brain and I got the English brain...but I think I may just have to realize that he got it all. No more eloquent words could have been spoken:
My dearest Matthew, do not cry,
For I have gazed into your eyes.
You were sent to us from high above,
So we could share your binding love.
Although your time with us was brief,
We know that God will provide relief.
The greatest hopes I had for you,
And all the things that you would do,
In my dreams you caught a fish,
And on a star you've made a wish.
You rolled on down a grassy knoll,
And in the backyard you've dug a hole.
Daddy knows what little boys do,
And he was sure you'd do it too.
You got to fly up in the sky,
But never did we hear you cry.
Now as we can feel that you're alright,
Rest Matthew, rest for us tonight.