Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I just want take a minute to honor Matthew's amazing and wonderful daddy.

Let me repeat, amazing and wonderful.

Though John, being a good Marine, would "Harumph," at my comment, I can honestly say that he loved Matthew so much he would have carried him if he could. (Please, no need to remind me of the Pregnant Man...really, this is simply the best analogy I can think of to establish how deeply John loved Matthew.)

I am so glad I have been able to chronicle the excitement I was so honored to see in John throughout the last months...excitement about conception. Excitement about his first heartbeat...when we saw little arms and legs...when he thought he was having a Molly...when he learned mommy was right and he was a Matthew...watching my stomach bounce, seeing him yawn, seeing him breathe and swim in my tummy....holding his hand and kissing his head. I can honestly say, without a doubt, that there is no other person on this planet who loved Matthew as much as I did--save his daddy. I knew he loved him from the second he knew of him, and honestly, I don't even think John knew how in love with him he was until he held him...for men, sometimes, I just don't know that they can understand that depth until they hold them.

I've always known that John was going to be a good can tell a lot about a man in how he treats his dogs and his mother. I know, I know...bad pairing, but it's true. A man who loves his mother and loves his dogs is a man that will love his children.

I never realized what an amazing dad John would be until the night he held Matthew in his arms as Matthew's little heart beat for the last few times...the strength he had to be there for his son amazes me! The love and devotion he had knowing there was no other place he could be is so pure.

I did not get to hold the traditional sense. He was whisked away, in an isolette, and gone....I maybe got to see him alive for all of 5 minutes put together, and that's a high estimation. But I held him in a most intimate and wonderful way and for that, I am forever grateful. People tell me they are sorry I did not get to hold him, and I have to honestly say, I'm not. I knew him so intimately...and that's priceless. In the most *unfair* of situations, I find it only fair that his first heartbeats began in me and his last ones were in the arms of his daddy...loving him and holding him tightly. I am so glad he was able to have that, for he loved Matthew just as much as I.

It just breaks my heart for John that it couldn't be more.

I can't write much more right now, my heart hurts and I'd like to stop crying for a bit. I just couldn't let another second go by without noting what an amazing man I married and how I hope and pray that he is able to be daddy to another son or daughter...and for longer than 8 precious hours. There is not a man alive that deserves it more.

John wrote this poem for Matthew, and it was on the funeral bulletin. I often joke that he got the Math brain and I got the English brain...but I think I may just have to realize that he got it all. No more eloquent words could have been spoken:

Rest Matthew
My dearest Matthew, do not cry,
For I have gazed into your eyes.
You were sent to us from high above,
So we could share your binding love.
Although your time with us was brief,
We know that God will provide relief.
The greatest hopes I had for you,
And all the things that you would do,
In my dreams you caught a fish,
And on a star you've made a wish.
You rolled on down a grassy knoll,
And in the backyard you've dug a hole.
Daddy knows what little boys do,
And he was sure you'd do it too.
You got to fly up in the sky,
But never did we hear you cry.
Now as we can feel that you're alright,
Rest Matthew, rest for us tonight.


  1. Your blog does chronicle John's immediate involvement and deep joy from the very beginnings of Matthew's life. As I followed Matthew's birth and final hours, I knew that Matthew felt as loved with John as he did with you. I'm drawn again and again to the picture of Matthew at peace in John's arms; it shows Matthew in the arms of both his Fathers, safe and loved. Continued prayers for all of you.

  2. That's an absolutely beautiful poem.

    All Matthew knew of this world was pure love. And that is beautiful.

  3. Lori - I am crying with you ... I read your new sidebar, blog title, and then the poem ... my heart is with you and John.

    What a beautiful poem for your sweet little boy.

    Love, J

  4. You have brought tears to my eyes. Matthew was just so loved by his mom, dad and the father he is with now. Such a beautiful poem filled with so much love.

  5. You both continue to amaze me with your words, your strength during this most difficult time. We continue to lift you up in prayer!

  6. You have always done "John the Dad" justice. Always. This is one more example of your beautiful love for him and why he deserves it.

  7. Oh Lori, I know we have not been in contact for ages but when I opened your blog today to see how things were going for you I was just heart broken when I read about Matthew. I can't imagine anything tougher and I genuinely hope you and John find peace during this time and always.

  8. Lori - you are a beautiful and wonderful woman and I am so glad in this world that you clearly found the perfect match - a man who is beautiful, sensitive, loving, kind. I know the future holds a bigger family for you, and your special angel Matthew will help the next little soul find his or her way into your world here on earth... Keep the faith - Amy

  9. lori,
    yes, indeed, you married a wonderful man! your love for each other is amazing, such a testament for all of us. y'all are always on my mind and in my heart...miss you dearly.

  10. What a gift to you and Matthew, John is. That man is just radiating God's love and peace in such an impossible time. The tears still have not ceased for you, Lori, but knowing you have John may make them slow just a bit.
    I love the poetry in this most recent post. It may be the most beautiful one I have ever read. And not only John's words, but yours as well. The idea of you holding his first heartbeats and John holding him for his last, oy. Just poetic. Oh how I have prayed it were not that way.
    I will add my own little poem here (borrowed, of course, because a poet I am not) that has been on my heart for many weeks now.

    "If tears could build a stairway
    and thoughts a memory lane
    I'd walk right up to heaven
    and bring you home again"

    Love, Amber

  11. Lori,
    We continue to pray for your family.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. Dear Mrs Ennis,
    This is Janet Cagle. I was in your 3rd grade class with Avery Arnold. I am using Mrs. Karens page. I hope you remember me, because I remember you so well. Mrs. Karen told me about what happend to your baby John. When I found out, it made my heart ache for you. You are one of the most caring, amazing, wonderful, women I know. And to hear that this happened to you makes me feel such great empathy for you. I PROMISE that I will keep you in my prayers and make sure that there will be more of you students to pray for you. You were like a mother for us when we were in school and when something like that happens to someone who you charish so dearly, it makes your heart bleed. We still talk about you all of the time as if we just left 3rd grade last year. If you do remember me, my e-mail is, and I would absolutely love to hear from you. As I said, I will pray for you and I truley believe that SOMEHOW something good will come of all of this. If anyone deserves to be a mother, you do. And God will take care of you. I dont see how he could not.
    With love and prayers,
    Janet Cagle