Saturday, December 19, 2009

Three Weeks...

I still barely breathe.

I can hardly swallow.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.

My eyes sting.

My heart is broken.

I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew.

He should be in a cute little Christmas outfit or a snowsuit. I should be hanging his stocking. I should be ALL happy when I see others' baby pictures...not just mostly happy.

My life is forever changed. Everything for the rest of my life will be bittersweet. I have lost a piece of me and I'll never get it back.

I am not the same. I never will be.

I saw on a website a saying that I liked, though....like the butterfly, I have the strength and hope to believe. In time, I'll emerge from my cocoon--transformed.

I'm already transformed...now I just pray to be the person that God is asking me to be.

Matthew---your mommy loves you so much. I'd give anything in the world to have you and hold you. I'm clinging to the hope in seeing you again one day. I'll never let you go then.

12 comments:

  1. I saw a quote today, don't know the author: "Do not pray for easier lives, pray to be stronger men." Hour after hour I ask God to give you the strength to come through these dark times. With love and prayers...

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  2. Lori - I wish I knew something to say or do to give you comfort. I wish I did; I do not ... But I am thinking of you, all the time. For what that is worth. Hugs and support, j

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  3. Lori - I am so glad you found a quote that gave you a few moments of solace from your deep and understandable grief -- I wish that someone could wave the magic life wand and fast forward to a year from now for you -- meanwhile, know you are thought of often --

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  4. I miss him, too.

    I'd go get him for you if I could. In a second.

    Still right by your side.

    Love you.

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  5. Winston Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

    God is your guiding light to get you out. You ARE forever changed. No one can tell you how you should feel right now...only you know. The rest of us are here to pick you up when you need us.

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  6. Oh Lori. I'm so sad with you. You should have Matthew. You should not be sad. I wish I could make it better. You heart breaks mine. Know that we love and pray for you all the time. I, who have a ton of words all the time, have none.

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  7. {{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}

    You have been on my heart and often in my prayers since I read your HP introduction yesterday. I hate that Matthew is not here with you today. How do people survive without the hope of Heaven, knowing that death is not the final vicor? Praying Christ's comfort in meaningful ways as you look at Christmas with new eyes, knowing a piece of the heart of the Father who sent His Baby to die for us. {{{hug}}}

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  8. Lori Sweetheart, I am so sorry, I wish I could do something! Matthew knows how much you love him and miss him more than you will ever know.Many hugs and lots of love sent your way!

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  9. Lori,
    No words can make you feel better but just know that we are all praying for you and wish we could take away your pain. Love and hugs from Tennessee.

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  10. When googling something for myself, I came across this:

    "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
    Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

    "The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'

    The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.

    For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."
    Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32 (NLT)

    Dear Lord,
    Please help me in this time of loss and overwhelming grief. I don't understand why my life is filled with this pain and heartache. But I turn my eyes to you as I seek to find the strength to trust in your faithfulness. I will wait on you and not despair; I will quietly wait for your salvation. My heart is crushed, but I know that you will not abandon me forever. Please show me your compassion, Lord. Help me through the pain so that I will hope in you again. I believe this promise in your Word to send me fresh mercy each day. Though I can't see past today, I trust your great love will never fail me.
    Amen

    http://christianity.about.com/od/prayersforspecificneeds/a/comfortprayer.htm

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  11. Oh, I so remember this feeling. It still comes and goes, but at 3 weeks in, it was a constant presence. The feeling like I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't live again...all of it. I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

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