Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Welcome back...or not.

Well, today we officially rejoined the world of infertile couples looking to medical technology to build our family. As things are not going as quickly as I'd like (or even at all, really) with the adoption, I just feel it irresponsible to not even look to IVF--about the only thing we have not tried.

We went for our consultation today. Our doctor was wonderful (ha ha, OUR doctor...more like mine, let's face it...)and very reassuring. I am wondering what he meant by 'prescribing' the book "Happiness For No Reason" about 15 minutes after meeting me, but...actually, I asked him if I looked unhappy, and he unequivocally answered, "Yes. You can never give up hope. You look like you've given up hope."

Hmmmm...how about this? I am about at the end of my hope strings, if you pardon the pun. I find out today that we probably wasted several years of going through needless things and should have been IVF after 2-3 years anyway--and HAD we, we may have come across the stuff found today--the ovarian cysts. Yep...apparently, I may be in the throes of ovarian failure, though right now I am just at probably ovarian dysfunction. My right ovary has cysts that are 6 cm. For reference, that's pretty big. "Do NOT start Clomid today," he tells me. "Start Birth Control today," he tells me... (how ironic and sad, to make infertile women take BIRTH CONTROL...) "We need to get those cysts under control before we can do IVF," he says. As all this goes on, I think back to the years of other doctors (good ones, mind you...or, so I thought...) who SAW these cysts--for years--and didn't do anything (save one who decided to use seeing them as a reason to do laparoscopy to "explore" and found endometriosis)--UGH. Just aggravation. Now, after a morning, this doctor has a different game plan, an aggressive game plan, and it seems as if it is almost going to be too late because I'm older....of course, that is me; he feels that, "2009 is going to be your year of the baby," but as stated...I'm tired of hoping, hoping, hoping and then being disappointed, disappointed, DISAPPOINTED. After nearly 10 years, eventually one gets to the point where she is NOT going to keep beating her head against the same useless wall. And, I am not going to apologize for hitting that proverbial wall. I realize that frame of mind makes a big difference in just about everything. I am working toward a better attitude.

So, as I sat there this morning, I was nearly in tears. I know many who are adopting or trying to adopt have infertility issues and may have been down the IVF path--so I'm sure my pain is felt. For anyone not, it is not fun. Sitting there, looking at all the hopeful faces, knowing what boat we are in, dreading the toll all this is going to take...I just teared up. Then, listening to the doctor, tears. Riding in the car, tears. I sort of mourned the little JohnandLori that never would be when we decided to adopt. This opens all that up again, and puts me in the middle of a stressful, uncertain path down the road to be a mother. AGAIN. AT THE SAME TIME.

Welcome back indeed.


  1. Your pain is just so hard for me to read and share. I want to DO something -- to be there, like the friend who goes to the appointments and holds your hands and takes you to Starbucks for a Mocha and brownie afterwards so you can talk it out and cry if you need to. Could you move to Tennessee so I could do that? I want to remind you that GOD has this in control. I still believe, with all my heart, that your baby will come through in 2009 and through adoption. I certainly feel adoption will resume in Kyrg in 2009. Know you are in my prayers!!! Here's a cyberhug!

  2. Lori, you are so in my thoughts and prayers. I feel your pain every time I read your blog. Don't give up. Like Maria said, I feel that you will have a baby in the upcoming year. I think all of us are hurting right now, those with babies waiting for us and those waiting for a referral but we have to have faith that God has a plan and we will all be bringing our babies home in 2009.