Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blessing or Curse?

Well, after checking out Maria's blog...and the ones she linked to-- Janiece and J-Momma, I'm opinionated enough on this topic to post something about it. It will probably not be too politically correct, and for that, well...stop reading now. These are my thoughts and opinions and you can take them and $1.63 (YIPPEE!!!) and buy a gallon of gas.

The post was a very honest one about adoption not necessarily being a blessing as it is more a solution to a problem that we can't really solve in this sinful in which things work out for the better, but maybe not necessarily the best. I appreciate the obvious Christian foundation behind the thoughts, and I think that makes them even more brave for her to say.

I can say, and did in her comment section, that, "Interesting points...I appreciate you noting that it is because of our sinful world that any of these points even get thought about or brought up.

I can say, and only for myself, that in all honesty, I have NEVER wanted to be part of the 'culture' to which, were circumstances different, I would be...the sperm donor, as I call him, left my mom high and dry...and in doing so, left me that way too. No worries though, because I SO got the better end of the deal when my mom met my DAD six months later and then married him a year later...nothing particular against the culture itself, but more a desire to have nothing to do with an ethnicity simply because that is the blood that runs through my veins...I don't feel slighted, I don't feel cheated. I guess to a degree, there is some curiosity, but it is fleeting, and had been for the last 25 or so years. The culture I am part of is the culture I was designed and destined to be part of. The family I was raised in is the family I was divinely given to. The circumstances that surrounded it...written before the world even existed. I guess my feelings are that if I claim to have faith in God and His plan and purposes all working for the good, then I need to be okay with the events that led up to them--whether they are life or death, birth or not..."

I don't think some people really even realize that even being born to your natural, birth, biological mother, you can be subjected to the same racism that is spoken of. My mom was as blond and blue-eyed as they came. The sperm donor, Indian. As in from the other side of the world Indian, not the Native variety. I look like...well, just about anything. I have gotten all sorts of suggestions--lots of Hispanic/Latin, a fair amount of Italian or Greek, Jewish, even African-American (like they have the run on curly hair?)--words like exotic and unusual have been used to describe my 'look.' I am constantly asked where my parents came from, what they were, what I am...I mean seriously, if it isn't obvious that I have a complex from all of this, it should be. combat that, I tell people my mother was from Etchasketchistan and my father was from Trashcanistan so I am Etchasketchatrashcanistani. Most of the time, people rude enough to ask, "What are you?" (and I am talking random people just asking that question as if I was part of a chemistry set) don't know how to respond...and my mission accomplished.

Based on that complex, to be truthful, I just want to be...left alone. I don't WANT people asking me what I am or where my parents come from. When they find out the origin of my birth, I don't want to hear about how nice Indian skin is (try telling mine, by the way...I thought puberty was OVER!) or how they love Indian food (ummm... seriously, don't think loving Indian food is a prerequisite to having Indian ethnicity) or how Indians DO have curly hair (for real?)and I DEFINITELY don't want to talk about a culture I don't have much actual knowledge on just because of the blood in my body. I like the way Maria thinks of Ellie--an American with Kyrgyz descent. I am an American--with Welsh, Scottish, English and Indian descent...I realize that others are trying to be complimentary of me when they say that I have such nice coloring or whatever...but honestly, it all just makes me uncomfortable and does nothing but remind me that there IS a difference in the way I came to be than what one would consider "should have been"--I HATE THAT. Like I said...if the world works the way it was designed to (for better, for worse and ours is not to reason why) then things that happen ARE the way they should be and that's that.

I was never legally adopted by my dad. By the time I was told about all this, I was at an age where having my name in the paper for the legal notice would have been horrifically embarrassing and I didn't see any reason to do anything that would NOT change my life. I had my dad's last name, I knew no other dad...what was the purpose of adopting (save, now, I wonder if that would have been advantageous for my parents for taxes, but anyway....) me officially? For all practical purposes, though, I am an adopted child--at least partially--and maybe the fact that I DID have my mom's heritage, family customs, quirks, etc...made it LESS needful for me to even be concerned with the sperm donor's. Not to mention, I had my DAD' was freely given to me as my own, and on no basis of anything like blood but love.

I understand blood is thicker than water to some. It is not, nor has it ever been to me. As for me, and for adoption being a blessing or a curse? If that's how I end up with my child, then there are very few things I would consider greater blessings. If it is not, then I still consider it a blessing for those children who live lives otherwise not lived and those parents and families who do the same. Curse? Sure...for the mothers (and fathers) who, for whatever reason, wish life was different and their babies would be happy, healthy and safe with them--but know it wouldn't. Heart wrenching, actually, if I think about how it must be for some birth moms and dads. But, I also know that for some birth moms (and dads)adoption is probably a blessing too...because though I can't imagine it, there are people who just don't want to have children and are thankful to not have the responsibility or obligation--thanks to adoption...sperm donor's position is definitely that. And of course, there are those birth parents who are simply selfless in their love of their child, and though pained to do so, see adoption as a blessing for the life it gives to their child that could never be with them.

I guess it all just depends on what side of the coin you are looking at...but either way, the coin definitely has two sides, nonetheless.


  1. WOW--thanks for your opinions and honesty! It's good to here from someone who has your experiences. And thanks for visiting my blog. I'm glad people are talking. Talking is the way to helping and improving thngs. Now I'm getting wound up to state my opinions--I wanted people to get their chance before I threw in mine.

  2. I think this was just incredibly beautiful. The love you have for your dad (v. the sperm donor) is beautiful. I love the Etchasketchistantrashcani (did I get that right?) heritage story. Only you!! And now I know where you get that "beautiful skin tone" *smile*.

  3. I posted the comment below on the other blog, but I wanted to be sure you saw it as well.

    I am an adopted child. (domestic adoption) My biological mother was white (french canadian/irish and my bio-father was black/puerto rican. I was adopted by african american parents with very light skin---so much so that most people think they look hispanic rather than black. My parents (those that adopted me) come from a inter-racial heritage---mostly black and white. I have cousins that have very dark skin and others that have white skin.

    So, how do I feel about all of this?? I was raised to look at who someone is and not what their ethnicity is or isn't. Of course I have respect for cultural differences, but I am more concerned with the human. We truly all share in this human experience...

    I have had many people ask me what I am mixed with, what am I , if I am half ______, (fill in the blank with just about anything, and when I was younger it bothered me a little bit.

    However, my parents taught me how to handle such situations. My father told me that I was a dime among pennies. I was unique, my story was not any better than anyone else's but my story was different and that was okay. I have never departed from that way of thinking.

    My biological mother ws just 17 years old when she had me and she was living in Queens, New York. Was my conception a result of sin? Perhaps, but I know I was intended by the Creator.

    So, is adoption a blessing or a curse? For me, it is the greatest blessing that I could ever imagine. I am forever grateful for the selfless act my bio-mother made. I see joy in adoption because I was given the greatest gift: LIFE.

    Would I be happier having stayed with my bio mother and bio family members? I guess I will never know the answer, but I know that I am joyful, content, and grateful.

    I have more than I could ever want in my friendships and relationships. My husband and I hope to adopt a baby one day. We have two bio daughters currently, but I have always had a heart for adoption.

    I am grateful. I do not focus on what was, but what is. I am of course curious---what does she look like? What were the circumstances around my conception? What was I like in the womb? Does she think of me on my birthday? Where is she now? What personality traits do we share? Do I have half brothers and sisters? However, these questions do not identify who I am.

    Did I lose something by being adopted? Perhaps the answers to the above questions, but look at all that I have gained. My cup runneth over.

    Your son is adorable. Your reflections show that you care about how adoption may effect him later on, but I feel certain that just knowing that he was loved, supported, undertsood, and so very wanted will outweigh anything he may feel as a "loss" due to being adopted.

    I hope that my words as a child of adoption will bring some comfort to you. The love I have for my parents is boundless. My understanding for people from all backgrounds is a direct result of my life experience.

    There are really only a few things I wish that I could relay to my birth mother----I am healthy, happy, and so very very grateful. I just wish I could say Thank You. Her decision was ultimately my gain. I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you.

  4. Great and interesting post!It is neat to hear others stories and how it shapes their life.It has shaped you beautifully!