Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't bother...

So I get an email today from the really nice and talented lady who was going to make the E * M * M * A letters for the nursery...telling me she was about to start them. Yeah, well..."Don't bother," I told her. I don't see an Emma coming to this house any time soon, if ever.

I thought I would be buying nursery furniture for Christmas. Instead, I am wondering how long it will take me to get over the money I've lost and could have gone into something more stable (though, do those programs even exist?)...wondering how to gather the courage to go through MORE fertility treatments...wondering if people I've met will EVER get their babies???? I thought I'd be painting a very full-of-little-girl's things bedroom a bright and sunny yellow. Instead, I can't even open the door, and when I do, it is very cold and drafty. Oh...what I thought...

And, what is.

Rather, what is NOT. There is NOT a reason to paint, buy furniture, have letters made, buy stockings, stock up for next year, etc...There is NOT a hope that this is the last Christmas without a child. There is NOT a lot of optimism for what is coming in the next year. There is just NOT a lot of joy right now...and I hate that because this is truly a time of year that we are reminded of the unmatchable gift we've been given and should be reveling in nothing but that wonder and amazement.

And now you probably see why this is called "Don't bother..."--it really isn't worth reading, and I hope that for my own sake, I get back to the point where I start kicking my butt to get out of this funk. These days, it's just too easy to ask, "Why bother?"

I DID finish Christmas shopping last night, though...I am happy to say that there will be 4 more dentist visits, 5 orphans celebrating birthdays, a couple of blankets for the cold, several sets of supplies for invalids, and a couple of 'runs' to the Kyrgyzstan dump--to give food and help--and all of these things are in honor of friends and family members for Christmas gifts. Hospice care, Toys for Tots, Lupus research, Susan G. Komen and Mama Lupita and her orphanage in Mexico also will be receiving gifts in honor of friends and family, and I have to say that this has been the easiest and most fulfilling Christmas shopping I've ever done. It really is the season of giving, after all...


  1. I love that version of Christmas shopping! I am hoping you are funk free soon. I have no words of wisdom about the situation in Kyrg. I pray often for all of you that are stuck and the children who are waiting.

  2. Lori,I know it is hard not to be in a funk right now! It is hard for all of us who are caught up in this.I know however that Faith does precede miracles!! Despite it being hard lets keep the faith that wherever our children are we will find them !I am sure your christmas shopping will bless many.What a wonderful way to celebrate with the gift of giving!Hang in there and lets continue to pray and have faith!

  3. Not a lot to say. Just know that I am thinking of you all of the time and I am praying for you.

    Your gifts for Christmas are all perfect. I wish I had done the same and next year I pledge that I will do the same.

  4. Lori, don't give up hope. That is a gracious gift from God. The challenge is realizing the gift in His time. Okay, I know that sounds a bit hokey, but it is reality nonetheless.

    Andrea (momto2angels) is right on...prayers is what is needed. In God's time all good things will be realized. He put the desire to adopt in all of our hearts for a reason...because He knows we will fulfill His promise in His time.

    Sometimes, I just don't like the timing that He has...want a speedy resolution to what seems like an endless wait (weight). Patience is the virtue that I am learning - day in and day out - and that is a gift in and of itself.

    You are in my prayers!!!

  5. Lori- I will be praying for you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and I pray that God will reveal His mighty plan to you soon!!

  6. Lori, I am so sorry that this news had to come at all, but especially at Christmas. I know it is the deepest desire of your heart to be a mother and so does our Father. He has promised to grant you the deepest desires of your heart, unfortunately, He doesn't say how or when. I have faith in Him, and I know you do, too; He will answer you. He would not place this within you as such an integral part of you, if it were not in His plan. He loves you and I do, too. Amber

  7. Lori,
    I am so sorry that you still have not realized your dream of being a mother, until you are in that position no one knows the heartache you are experiencing.
    I waited 38 years to finally marry my dream husband, and then 3 years later after clomid, inseminations, we found out we couldn't have bio children either unless we chose IVF-yeah, not so great chance of success they gave us...so we chose adoption-i still don't know how we were so blesses, it breaks my heart when my friends who have also suffered are waiting...I'm praying for you girl, that this year is your and your baby girl's year!!!