Saturday, September 22, 2012

Keep Expectations Low And.... pleasantly surprised!

While some may see that as glass-half-empty thinking, I don't.

I think of it as survival thinking.  Even before we lost Matthew, I always felt like if I 'secretly' kept low expectations, then I could only be happily surprised!  I don't think many people would have guessed that about me before they really started reading my blog and seeing how some of my thoughts really were.  Most people would (and still do, I guess) consider me quite a positive and optimistic person.  Ha ha.

I did not in any way, shape or form expect to get pregnant with Matthew.  After 12 years of trying, all the adoption mishap, and it being our first IVF?  No way.

And yet...surprise!  Now that I've had several of these cycles under my belt, it's funny to see how really bad Matthew's cycle was!  I had NO idea then.  I was working full-time out of the home, so I had very, very little time to google or to question my doctors or anything.

But it was really near canceling a few times.  Just like Luke's was.

Anyway, expecting a lower number of eggs only made hearing a little bit higher a number better!  Sort of.  Dr. K and I were hoping for 6-8 and Dr. Levens (super nice guy!) got 11!  He said he was going to be as greedy as he could in the egg retrieval and I love it.  Again, sort of...because I just wonder if I'm going to be pretty disappointed tomorrow when they say, " got 11, but only 4 were mature an only one or two have fertilized."

That's what sort of happened with Luke.  Sixteen retrieved!  Woohoo!  FOUR fertilized normally.  Yeah, yikes.  By day 3, thankfully we had two beautiful to transfer, but I was nervous.  And yes, yes, it only took one.

I wonder if people really understand how much infertile women want to throw up when they hear that? Even when I say it—because it IS true—I always preface it with, "I know you'll want to slap me when you hear this, but it does only take one!" NO WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN WAITING FOR "THE ONE" FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME WANTS TO HEAR THAT.

They know it from a "It happens to OTHER people but not to ME" standpoint.

Even if they finally get to know it from personal experience, it sure doesn't take any of the months/years/decades of apprehension wondering if THIS time, THE ONE will exist away.

Sooo...coming down from my soapbox, I feel pretty good about things still.  I'll be on pins and needles waiting to hear how many eggs were mature and what the fertilization rate is.  Dr. K said we'd probably do a Day 3 transfer (Tuesday) but if I had four 8-celled embryos with no fragmentation on Tuesday, he'd push for a Day 5 (Friday) transfer.  We also talked about number to transfer since this is my last hurrah...while 3 could be justified with my age and other issues, he would not recommend it to me because he knows we are ADAMANT that there would be no discussion of reduction should a triplet pregnancy occur.

So, God willing, if we have two beautiful embryos to transfer, we will.  I'll be honest in saying that I am feeling a bit of apprehension about being SURE that this is our last cycle—we still have 4 more fresh cycles we could do (though not really another $25K in money for medicine!) and I keep thinking, "But what if...."

And I remember...EVERY woman goes through this.  EVERY woman, even those resolutely sure of her decision that her family is complete gets to my age and realizes that the childbearing days are ending.  They wonder if they are REALLY sure, regardless of whether they've had any fertility issues or not.  They have that final "What if..."

John and I are pretty sure.  So we are praying that it will be a non-issue in a couple of weeks.


  1. This is great news!

    Hopefully we'll both have some positive news in the next while.
    "Cautiously optimistic"...right?

    And for us...we truly will be done, no matter the ending. At least in the world of ARTs.
    And even though we know that, I STILL feel the "ya, but what if?"
    But for our situation...short of a natural miracle...there will be no more "what if's" in our future with ARTs...and even though we know is still a very bitter-sweet realization for me. On one hand I can hardly wait to relearn life without treatment, poking, prodding, meds, ultra sounds, nerves, up and downs and beta tests! Yet on the other hand, should neither of our sweet little totsicles result in a living child...I won't lie...the pain and the grief will be big for a time.

    Praying for a great report tomorrow, and each day after!!

  2. Sending heaps of hope and wishes your way Lori. xxx

  3. Yay for 11 eggs! That's how many we got with our first cycle, and 10 fertilized. :) Praying for good numbers! :hug:

    I'm totally with you on the "it only takes one" comment. I've already heard that phrase multiple times this round and I hate-hate-hate it. We ONLY have one left and if we lose that ONE we're done. :(

  4. I've been praying for you Lori, and will continue to lift you before the Lord......