The article I wrote for this month's Still Standing Magazine was somewhat difficult for me to write.
Not so much because I was having a hard time with what I am feeling, because I am very sure about my feelings.
More because I am not fond of the venom that back them.
I've been really, really angry.
Angry with the ridiculous notion that we should not be attempting any more cycles because we already have more than we've ever dreamed we could with Luke.
While that is true, we wanted a big family from the beginning.
Whether or not any died.
Whether or not we had to go through hell on earth to get there.
Whether or not we finally were able to experience the bliss that comes with raising a little one.
We wanted a big family.
So, so many women I know feel as I do—as if we should just be grateful for the fact that we finally know what a living little boy or girl feels like in our arms, and that wanting more is outrageously greedy on our part.
Trust me.
We are BEYOND grateful. No words describe the gratitude.
But I'm still a woman who dreamed of 4 children and two dogs and big family gatherings and oodles of grandchildren to "ooh" and "ahhhh" over one day.
I'm no different than any other woman who has dreamed of those very things...
Except I've had a lot more heartache in the process than some have.
I don't think it's unreasonable to just want to be treated as 'that' normal mother.
In fact, after what we've gone through, I think it's pretty reasonable to HOPE those things for me.
Not everyone does. For me, and for many others.
Sigh.
It makes me so so angry that people could think those things. I guess bc I can say people could say the same about me and my story...and that would ENRAGE me. After the last miscarriage I had real life friends make snide comments about me taking a break and enough is enough, etc etc and it boiled my blood. I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in the same boat my friend. Thankful and blessed, yet hopeful to add to our family. I could go on....and on...
ReplyDeleteThe beauty of hope is that you can cling to it, even when others let go of it for you. When we were ttc I noticed peoples wording switch from "WHEN you are parents" to "If you get to be parents..." It was heartbreaking, because I KNEW in my heart one day we would be parents.
ReplyDeleteI understand wanting to be a mom of four, that has been our family's wish as well. Prayers for you as always Lori. May God bless you and your husband abundantly. I will hold onto hope for you even when others are shutting the door.
There is NOTHING selfish about you wanting more children....NOTHING!! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteLove to you...
ReplyDeleteI guess I am selfish for wanting a bunch of kids and actually getting them? Heck no. Just as you are not selfish for wanting them and doing all you can do to have them.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE NOT SELFISH. Some of us are just "lucky" enough to have the dream fulfilled. That's all. So many people get on their high horse. I was asked "you are pregnant again?" in a "are you crazy?" tone. I guess because I had a terrible loss, I was nuts to try again.
((((((HUGS)))))))
The double standard is just that a double standard, they are never ok, but inevitable. You just have to do what you do based on faith, shut out the noise of the nay sayers, and stay in constant communion with God and know that He is the giver and taker and He decides, when your heart is satisfied, you will have fulfilled His will!! Love you sweet friend!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't ever give up Lori.... my prayer for you is to have a house full of children running around.... and many grandchildren in the future. I will keep you in my prayers, and the people who are rude, can go fly a kite!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and praying for you.
ReplyDelete<3 I do not think of you as a greedy person. More as a mom who has so much love to give and who would and has done so much for them already. *hugs*
ReplyDelete