I miss him every day. Stings more on marker days.
I'm going to be very, very honest. Judge if you want, but know that unless you've walked in my shoes, you couldn't possibly understand how what I am about to write hurts me.
Some days, it is so.so.so easy to just *feel* like Matthew never even existed because life is so full with Luke. Matthew seems so far away. So much was a blur. He was gone before I even got much of anything with him. Certainly nowhere near what I've been able to have with Luke.
Other days, it is so.so.so easy to wonder whether or not I would really even know what I was missing if Matthew had lived and Luke wasn't born? I mean, if Luke wasn't born, and I didn't know him and love him, and I had Matthew and my life was full with him, would I even know the difference? Would I even care? Would I know (or care) that Luke was not with me because I'd have Matthew?
And both of those thought branches make my heart hurt so much. Just thinking about them just overwhelms me with guilt and grief and disgust for the situation and my thoughts.
Especially on Marker days.
Seriously, I've wanted to write a similar posts about Lily and Cooper. Honestly, I never did because I couldn't find the right words.
ReplyDeleteI get this. ((hugs))
I get it, I so get it. Sometimes with Will, I think about how happy and easy it could have been, and then I feel so guilty because I wouldn't trade the time with MJ for anything, it's hard to say, hard to admit, and hard to know that we all pretty much think those things. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI understand. We tried forever for Wyatt, with many rounds of medications and IVF... It finally happened and then after 29 weeks we lost him. Then in a short 5 months we created Nolan with no medical help. I have to believe without Wyatt, Nolan wouldn't be here. Though I understand what you mean about so far way... didn't understand that until Nolan arrived and we had so many first with him that we never experienced with Wyatt.
ReplyDeleteI think of you every day. Much love, Megan
Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteOh Lori...huge huge hugs of love to you. The mind will always wonder how life could have been or would have been. And we will truly never know. I absolutely understand where you are coming from. And know that you are not judged. I get it though...people who have never experienced what so many of us have could NEVER fathom how these thought processes could enter our minds. But know that those of us who know you, and who get it...love you to bits and do not judge you at all!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you!!! Every day!
Heather
You are not alone....especially when my boys ask if the one would be here with the other. The reality is no. If Jamie hadn't left us, we would not have James.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))))
Thinking of you and Matthew on this special day. Sending you big hugs!!
ReplyDeleteLori-
ReplyDeleteI hate to see you struggle with feelings of guilt on top of everything else you have had to endure. You didnt choose one over the other and you will never have to. They are both your boys, and it is alright to love them both with all of your heart. That is the beauty of a mothers heart- you can give fully to one child without taking ANYTHING from the other. Does God love you any less because He loves me too? Of course not. I have no idea why you carry one in your arms and the other only in your heart. But the love is the same, it doesnt take from one to love the other. Give yourself permission to celebrate both of their precious little souls without feeling guilt. None of this has been within your control, and although I will never understand it in this world, you need to trust your Father and that He IS in control. Praying for you on this difficult day.
xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. <3
ReplyDelete{{{hug}}}
ReplyDeleteI get this in a major, big, huge way. I have had these same feelings lately. I would never want to give up Amelia but I want my Eli back so badly. Those two senerios just don't go together and that breaks my heart!
ReplyDelete((hugs)) Lori, just big, big ((hugs)).
ReplyDelete