I miss him every day. Stings more on marker days.
I'm going to be very, very honest. Judge if you want, but know that unless you've walked in my shoes, you couldn't possibly understand how what I am about to write hurts me.
Some days, it is so.so.so easy to just *feel* like Matthew never even existed because life is so full with Luke. Matthew seems so far away. So much was a blur. He was gone before I even got much of anything with him. Certainly nowhere near what I've been able to have with Luke.
Other days, it is so.so.so easy to wonder whether or not I would really even know what I was missing if Matthew had lived and Luke wasn't born? I mean, if Luke wasn't born, and I didn't know him and love him, and I had Matthew and my life was full with him, would I even know the difference? Would I even care? Would I know (or care) that Luke was not with me because I'd have Matthew?
And both of those thought branches make my heart hurt so much. Just thinking about them just overwhelms me with guilt and grief and disgust for the situation and my thoughts.
Especially on Marker days.