So, I've been guilting myself because I have to catch up on THREE WEEKS of Luke on this, 'his' blog...and I haven't because I've had these things on my heart and in my mind that I've wanted to write about Matthew. So, not really having the time to do both (or either, really) I've neglected both. Don't want to put things about Matthew off just because Luke is living and therefore, won't write about Luke until I get Matthew thoughts written...which just leads to nothing getting written and a lot of guilt hanging over my head.
But in catching up with a sweet, sweet friend this morning, her words struck me: "It boils down to who the blog is for."
I know she was trying to make me feel better about wanting to write what I need to write--thoughts about whomever I need to air and not feeling like I had to choose one over the other. And she did (thank you!) make me feel better..because there was a moment of really strong clarity I'd forgotten.
When I found my mom's blog years after she died, I felt like I found a gold mine. "Blogging" for me started when we were going to adopt because I wanted my children to know my thoughts and feelings. Obviously, a very therapeutic and cathartic-in-the-process way for me to share my thoughts, but bottom line: for my children to know me.
The reality is...Matthew will never read this. Luke will.
He grows so quickly. He changes so much EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. My thoughts rarely change. It's important to me to chronicle him and not lose anything more than I already feel I lose just because time moving so quickly takes it away. I give myself so much guilt about not keeping up with all his milestones as I should (teeth! Dada! crawling!) and I need to just start being better about keeping up with them to get rid of that guilt.
So...I will. And when I have something I need to get off my chest, I will...because I'll have done a better job of keeping up with Luke, ha ha!
Starting...tomorrow, of course. Right now, Giggles and I are going to practice some crawling!
Oh, and our first football game is coming up this weekend at ECU! We are going to meet up with our (albeit, Pirate!) friends Lindsay, Jeremy and Collen. CAN'T WAIT! GO, HOKIES!
I mean, with this guy on their side, how can they NOT win????
I went through something similar recently. More on the lines of not wanting certain people to judge me based on my blog.
ReplyDeleteMY wonderful friend said "It's not for them."
I have the post-it on my white erase board behind my computer.
I am so glad your friend gave you some helpful advice :)!!!
In order for Luke to know you, you must show him all of you....Matthew and how you feel is ALL of you and that is just as important as crawling and drooling and talking. When he is able to read this....he will be able to skip things he is not interested in at the moment and still come back and read it in detail when he wants....do not take away his choice to know ALL of you!
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard balance, isn't it? I think you do an amazing job sharing both of your boys' stories.
ReplyDeletexoxo
As always,Luke is just too cute!!!
ReplyDeleteJust want to send you some love and let you know that though I don't write or message often you luke and matthew are in my thoughts. Hugs and Love ;O)
ReplyDelete