Thursday, November 20, 2008

The rut...

Well, it is probably very obvious that I am in a rut. So, this will probably be just a ramble, probably more of a rant. I'd probably push past, if I were you.

About the cold: I hate it. It makes my skin dry, it makes my face hurt and it does not invigorate me, it merely ticks me off. Spring, feel free to kick Winter out of the way and just come now. Not to mention that to stay warm, the collage of clothing articles I adorn myself in rarely match due to the need of function vice form, and that aggravates me too.

About Prison Break: Those guys are SMART. I mean, seriously? An electromagnetic field to break through concrete? Amazing. John does not agree, but heck, what does his scientific engineer mind know? I think he is just jealous of my unabashed love for Wentworth Miller.

About adopting: It stinks right now. The process, that is. And after the last week or two, right now I'm still in Kyrgyz or bust mode. I would not call what I have been feeling panic, just desolation. I'm pretty sure that I have made my purpose behind adopting clear--to build my family. All the while, I have said that to aid a child, to save a life, all that benefactorial stuff that goes along with adoption are absolutely the best cherries on top of a great desert, but I feel I have been pretty clear-cut about my reasons for pursuing an adoption--a child of my own for my family. Selfish? Some may say so. Let them. I'm human. Sue me. My concern and heartbreak over Kyrgyzstan has been two-fold. First, in going through this process, I have *met* many who have babies just sitting over there...growing, waiting, being missed and unconditionally wanted. I am just heartbroken for those parents and those babies. Second--and no surprise here...the restructuring, while I completely and totally agree is ultimately in the best interest of all involved, is simply more time-consuming than I want. Period. It all boils down, again, to my wants. And that is my yesterday. Of course NO adoption is guaranteed and all have their bumps, but truth be told, I went with this program for the (presumed) speed and relative ease I thought the Kyrgyz process would bring. And that is where my depression over the events begins--I understand I have no right to be depressed about any of this as this is another country that has no obligations to ours (or to me) at all...I just am saddened that I seem to be involved in a program that is going to be so much longer than I thought. For now, I guess I'll just have to suck it up.

Domestic Adoption Agencies/Facilitators: Dear God. The money involved is unreal. What a travesty that desires like mine lead to such an industry. Flame me all you want. That's how I feel. (I think the term is flame--when you don't agree and you say so with gusto?) Whatever.

Seinfeld: I so miss that show. The ending was so disappointing. Thank God for re-runs.

My job: I adore my children. I am simply not doing what I was born to do, though. I don't know what that is, but it is not what I am doing. The anxiety of being stuck in that dilemma is not fun.

Contact Lenses: God knows I love them, but I sure would love to have perfect vision without them. They have been driving me nuts.

Face book: I am inundated with so many requests. It overwhelms me. I love words but HATE Scramble. I can't figure out the freaking tile connection and that bugs me. Not to mention I am SO competitive. I am working on that, though.

Thursday night TV: Thank goodness for that! And on that note...I'm going to tune in right now.


  1. Hang in there. Emma will come. I truly believe that things will pick back up. And just think.. your dossier is already in Bishkek so you are 1 step ahead.

  2. I think that all of us in the Kyrgyz adoption community are in a "rut"...hang in there!!

    By the way, Thursday night tv does totally rock. It's one of the only nights I actually 'have' to watch!


  3. I was just blog-hopping, starting with ones related to adoption and Kyrgyzstan. This post in particular was so nice to read. There are a lot of reasons that my husband and I are adopting, but like you, our main reasons are for ourselves and for our family. Selfish? No, I don't think it is selfish to want to share your heart with a child. Hang in there!