Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Pity Party...


I read blogs.  Not as much as I used to because I am far busier than I was after Matthew died.

But I used to read a lot.  Still read some a lot.

Am embarrassed to say that some I judged pretty harshly because they were either too peppy (and I found it impossible to be as optimistic and happy and joyous as they were in spite of their life's circumstances) or they were too depressing (and Lord knows I knew a thing or two about depressing).

I didn't judge them publicly. (Seriously.  If you do NOT like something you read, then for crying out loud, DON'T READ.  I have no idea why people feel like it's ok to trash talk someone online just because it's online.)

Anyway, I don't judge publicly.  I try not to judge.  It's hard, though, because when I try to put myself in the shoes of others, I obviously think about how *I'd* react and behave, and frankly, some of the blogs I've come across were ones where I just couldn't believe them, for whatever reason.

I'm sure some say that about mine.

"Good grief, she sounds like she never has a second of hard parenting. Always Pollyanna about Luke.  Doesn't she EVER just get frustrated with him and want to scream?"

(Yes.  Three days before Christmas I was making a recipe that had yummy orange icing.  Sugar, people.  Orange and sugar.  I tried and tried and tried and TRIED to get Luke to even have a taste.  Just a teeny one, thinking he'd want more if he'd just *TASTE* it.  He refused, it got ugly and icing went everywhere.  I was frustrated, believe me, and even found myself saying, in a tone I don't love, "For crying out LOUD, Luke.  It's ICING.")


"Dear Lord, I just can't read another word of this.  It makes my heart hurt too much.  She seems so broken.  I thought she was doing better and she seems even WORSE!"

I feel ya.  There are lots of days I think about how depressing it is.  How depressed I am.

And then 30 seconds later, how grateful I am and how much joy I have in my life.

Throw in a daddy leaving for a year.  It's probably obvious that he's leaving soon.

Very, very, very soon.

For a year.

A year seems like such a long time.

But three years ago was yesterday.

A year ago, I was about to be pregnant again.

Yesterday, I lost him.

Sigh.  I'm obviously no stranger to being a military spouse (16 years, OY!) or deployments, but never a YEAR with a child.  It's hard.  I can do it.  I can handle it.  I've no doubt.  Luke and daddy being separated that long breaks my heart though.

I feel like he's already lost a lifetime with two of his sons.

He says he had their whole lifetimes.

Potato/potahto.  Easy to tell who is the glass-full kind of person, huh?

Luke is going to a speech evaluation.  He has his two year check up tomorrow.  I've filled out the Ages and Stages and the MCHAT.  No issues...except with communication.

For a kid with the vocabulary he has (yesterday, he dug through a box of hotwheel cars/planes, pulled out what I'd call a blimp and called it a "Zepplin") and the strong abilities in other areas, his speech development is behind.

Significantly.  He is not phrasing much, doesn't really use pronouns, and though he repeats EVERYTHING, and can remember too, he does not do much construction.

Probably related to sensory integration issues, which are presenting their own sets of challenges, and heart aches for him.

People off the street would have NO clue.  None.  Others tell me he's FINE.  (He is, regardless.) Others tell me that in the big scheme of 'issues', his are so minimal. (I know, I me, I know.)

But I'm not dumb.  I'm not trying to force issues on my kid.  I am NOT a hover mother.

I have degrees in early childhood development, as well as certifications as a special needs teacher with a focus on autistic spectrum disorders.  I'm not completely ignorant to flags at 2 that turn into the issues I saw in my students at 7.

No, I don't think he's close to being on the spectrum, and even if he was, no big deal.

In fact, it's more frustrating that it's *just* sensory issues because people like to dismiss those as not a big deal.

When your kid eats a meal every two or three days, trust me, it can be a big deal.  Thank God he ate this morning.  He was hungry, obviously, because he's not eaten much of anything since Saturday.  

Yes, Saturday. guess is the eval will say he's fine; he's a boy; come back in 3 months.  Great. I'd be glad to do that.

If not, we'll deal with whatever.

Just having one of those days where I'm feeling down.  Not woe is me, just woe is.

So, off to the park we go.  No woe is possible at the park, is it?

I didn't think so.


  1. Yea, I don't get that either that people feel the right to judge online. Like you said, if you disagree, why keep reading? Or if bothers you that much? Sorry if you have been feeling judged by others :((

    I am so sorry that your husband's deployment is so soon, and a year... I cannot imagine. But I have no doubt you will do an amazing job with Luke during that time. I hope it goes by fast in the sense that it doesn't feel like he's missed a year. I think my husband's the glass-half-full type too... at least one of us is:)

    Sending big hugs Lori, hope the park was everything you+luke needed today.

  2. Thanks for sharing! I love it when you write and I especially loved this post for some reason.

    Enjoy the park with your two year old! It's still sinking in that they're two already.

  3. (((HUGE HUGS)))

    Just sending you lots of love and hugs and prayers of encouragement and peace in all things.

    Love you girl!!

  4. You've been such a support to me in the food department. It's so hard to struggle with something so basic.

    I'll be thinking of you and Luke as your husband deploys. It will be a tough year, but you are up for the challenge.

    I hope Luke's eval goes well.

  5. My heart goes out to you and Luke, a year without daddy... so tough. And the food thing, yup. I celebrate every time my son eats, EVERY bite. One or two or three mouthfuls is a victory for us. Whenever the scale creeps up even a little (for him!) I am so happy. With food, two was definitely a really hard year for us, and now at three my son's selection is still limited but at least I feel like there are a few nutritious things in there. It's hard to have a child with "invisible" special needs (sensory & food allergies for us), but I'm glad you're so in tune with Luke and not afraid to check it out. Better early intervention then waiting till everyone else sees what you're talking about.

  6. Nothing wrong with getting him evaluated. My son has very serious speech issues, as well as some mild sensory ones, and I knew it in my gut when he was 2 that we were in for a long process. Although everyone had a story, "well my nephew didn't speak until he was 7 and he is an astrophysicist now...."

  7. Oh honey, I feel ya! My boy "just" has sensory issues. All red flags you describe,, I saw at 2 (speech issues, food aversions, etc.) and my pediatrician blew me off when I brought it up (oh, I am sure he has more words than that!). I pushed and got a full developmental eval (and later, a full psychological eval) and he has received services ever since. He is 6 now, I delayed kindergarten a year (best decision!) and he is thriving. Through it all I have felt so judged as a mom. The whole gamut...from teachers acting like he wasn't getting enough therapy to family telling me he was "just stubborn" and I was over-reacting. Aside from his speech delay (which is minimal now as he has almost caught up with his peers), he looks so normal. The sensory issues are so hard to explain to people and I get so frustrated. Seriously, it is beyond toddler pickiness when your kid will ONLY eat the same 4 foods. For the love of pete, if a chocolate chip cookie doesn't look like he thinks it should he won't eat it (no store bought for us, must be my homemade version with NO OATMEAL and only milk chocolate chips...yes he can tell the difference and will refuse ones made with semi-sweet.) I am not joking. Anyway, i would be happy to chat with you anytime via email about raising a boy with sensory issues. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. -Davilyn

  8. Lots of Love and Hugs to you Momma! <3