Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's Complicated...

Not necessarily the most uplifting way to start a post, I guess...but basically how I've been feeling lately, so might as well be honest.

It's that time of year again. Two minutes ago, two years ago, I posted the following facebook status: "This is my sweet boy's birth month. What a blessing his life already is. Can't wait to meet him!"

You know, I have to say that at this moment, typing, my heart hurts because I really feel like I didn't get to 'meet' him. So many did...and I am glad for that. I'm most glad that John did and got to spend so much of his life with him.

But all I got was a shoulder caress and a sweet fingertip kiss to his cheek.

Poor thing probably had no idea I was even there.

It's ok. Don't feel the need to tell me that surely he did. Whether he did or didn't, no difference. I was jilted out of my long-anticipated meeting and it just hurts.

He was such a beautiful baby.

And his little brother! His little brother STILL looks so much like him sometimes. I know people who have twins that don't look as much alike as Matthew and Luke do. What a blessing both of those baby boys are to me.

I guess I am just in one of those moods. Two years ago...on top of the world with joy and excitement and just overwhelming gratitude (not to mention an extra 50 pounds!). A year ago...heartache, confusion, anxiety and still amazing gratitude (and an extra 20 pounds!). Today...I'll be honest. All of that and more...add in bitterness and frustration and uncertainty and take away all of that gained weight and even an addtional 10 pounds, though I am not happy with how much weight I have lost. Like...probably going to the doctor because of how much weight I've lost, though John just thinks it's because I am carrying Chunky Monkey all over the place and running around day in and day out. (Glad he notices!)

I am bitter and frustrated and uncertain about our upcoming plans to look into another IVF cycle. Bitter and frustrated because this is the last week I am nursing, and very possibly, forEVER. I have been an emotional wreck over this. I remember writing how much of a fan I was of breastmilk, but not so much of nursing because let's be real--it's HARD!

Now...I TOTALLY get why people would nurse their kids until they were 104.

(Well, that may be pushing it...but I'd definitely nurse Luke until he wanted to be done if I felt like I could without jeopardizing the opportunity for a sibling for him.)

Which is the kicker...here I am crying, crying, crying on a regular basis because I don't want to give nursing up and that little stinker (and obvious blessing in disguise!) is weaning himself!!!! He is such a good, easy baby...and weaning is no exception. He's not a huge fan of bottles, but he does ok with them. He's definitely pulled back on the nursing on his own though, and all the lactation ladies remind me, this is what I want--HIM to tell ME that he's good.

But it makes me sad because I'll miss it. I'm grateful it's so easy for us. Him, rather.
But I'm sad.

And I am angry that I have to give it up just to *see* if we will qualify for another IVF cycle.

My guess is that we won't, and I've given nursing up for nothing.

Then I remind myself that it's not nothing. It's the knowledge I'll gain. The regret of not knowing that I won't have to live with.

That's worth it, right?

Anyway...as said...feelings these days are complicated. For all my aching, and searching for acceptance of things being as they are...I am just so, so, so madly in love with Luke.

Seriously. He is just truly the most amazing gift and I am so grateful (and excited!) that I have him to share these upcoming dates and holidays with. I had to buy him a coat because it's actually coat-worthy here in NC and as I hung it in our coat closet tonight, I started crying over how beautiful it was having that little bitty coat in there with ours.

What a gift he is indeed.

He said "Bye-Bye" the other day, to grandma, on the phone. Cracked me up. I had her on speaker, said, "Bye," and she said, "Bye," and as I hung up, out of the back seat came, "Bye-bye!" I looked back at him and asked if he said, "Bye-bye," and he just smiled, like, "Umm...didn't you hear me?!" He's done it a few times since. I love it! I also think those teeth are rearing their heads again, and I just wish they'd pop through for him. Still just those cute ones on the bottom. He is adjusting just beautifully to the move (HOORAY FOR FINALLY BEING IN A HOUSE!!!!) and getting so, so big. He's in mostly 12 month clothes now and yet, his feet, which USED to be big and long like his brother's, seem to have just stopped growing. I'm having a heck of a time finding pre-walkers for his size 2 feet. If that. Still mostly crawling or standing with some cruising, but that's ok by me.

Let him stay little. Lord, please...just let him stay little a little while longer. I can't soak in enough with just 24 hours in a day.

Here are some pics from the last two weeks. I think my favorite thing is how happy he is. Like he knows how much he's loved. I love that!

A few weeks ago we went to Mike's Farm. Super fun!!! He was all happy and smiley...

...until some punk kid (seriously) comes along, pushes the pumpkin RIGHT INTO LUKE, and he wasn't happy....

Mama made it better....
...well, sorta...he's still wondering about how he got hit with a big old pumpkin!
"Okay...I'll somewhat pose!"


MUCH happier!!!
That boy loves, loves, loves him some Daddy!

So...last summer...after we found out he was LUKE and not Molly, we went and bought some things for LUKE. This costume was on clearance for .... get this.... $.48! Could not help but get it! He is looking at me like he's wondering how long it's gonna take CPS to come and lock me up?!

"Oh brother..."
I'm in trouble this hat season. Boy knows how to take them off!!!

We got a SWEET visit from our friends and Luke thought Miss Tamla was mighty comfy! They stopped by after he was in bed, but I knew he'd be just fine with being woken up to see them, and he was....snuggled right into her! It's been about 4 months since Bert and Tamla had seen him, and she can attest...the boy is SOLID! (For the record, he was back asleep within 5 minutes after they left. He is SUCH a good boy!)

That boy and his faces....

I know kids under two should not watch tv. I know this. I also know that reality is harder to live by. I allow 1.5 hours a WEEK. This usually lets me get dinner done when he's having one of those moods where he'd rather not play by himself (which he does a fabulous job of, most of the time!) for a bit...This was the 28th and he was enthralled with his cookie and the Wonderpets.

Took him to the Atlantic Beach Kite Festival and it was chilly! First cool weather clothing...he wasn't too sure of it!
...but he had fun at the beach!

Yeah...definitely a daddy's boy!

He LOVES to swing (though daddy scares me with how high he pushes!)...

I learned, sort of, how to use Instagram. Still working on it!

Our sweet friend Amanda got us this AWESOME Red Fish, Blue Fish toy. Pulled it out the other day. Wouldn't you know he went STRAIGHT for the Red Fish??????? There was a blue one, two green ones and a yellow. He immediately went for the red one. Choked me up a bit.
Of course...then he had to eat it.
Before his first Family Day as a VMM-266 Griffin kid!!!!

At the marina...great day!


  1. Lori Lori Lori. You blessed, lucky mommy. He is beautiful and so are you. Trust God's timing and in ALL things hhave joy. I pray for you all every day. You have made me the proudest aunt I could possibly be and I (as always) am honored to be your sister. I love you.

  2. He is abSOLUTELY adorable! And WHAT a FIND on that costume! Can't beat 48 cents!!

    Happy Halloween and he was such a cute looking spider.

    You all look great as always!

    I am so sorry Lori! <3 sweet Matthew.

  3. I will be praying that your doubts on being able to do IVF will be calmed and you will be pleasantly surprised. Your baby is beautiful. And your heart is amazing. You are one strong woman.

  4. Oh lori! this post broke my heart! I LOVE both your sons!!! HUGS!!

  5. Sending love and hugs your way....this road is full of pot holes and some days are just more manageable than others...no matter what your blessings are. And I completely understand your feelings of what I term as being robbed.

    In happier thoughts, sweet boy is absolutely precious! Love all those expressions! Priceless!!! Keep soaking him up, we're soaking up our little Lovie and this Mama just wants it all to slow down.

    Much Love

  6. PS. As for the IVF, I get you...I really do. The thought of us going back to the RE haunts me, but I know we will be there soon enough, as I won't stay 39 for ever. But if I'm being honest, the WHAT IF's are what riddle me with anxiety, as I just want to protect my heart.


  7. Lori,
    I remember being very sad weaning Kate for the purpose of doing an FET cycle. I cried and cried over it because, like you, I enjoy nursing.

    Guess who showed up 9 months later?

    I'm not implying that what happened to me will happen to you (though, that would be fabulous). Just that good things can definitely happen. Good things do happen. For me, weaning Kate brought me my sweet boy.

    I hope that IVF is a go for you again. Keep your chin up, buttercup! xoxo

  8. (((HUGS)))

    Your post struck a huge cord with me today! And I completely get all that comes with considering moving forward with treatment...
    Praying for you through this time.

    Oh Lori...that boy...he just melts my heart.

    My heart broke as I read your feelings on not having the time you should have had with Matthew. I understand...

    Hugs to you dear friend!

  9. Oh Lori, he is just so beautiful.

    I wish I would have known when I was weaning Ethan it would be the last time...the only time I would breastfeed. I choke up everytime I think about missing out on that with my future children. I've even looked into the herbal treatments that can help you produce milk if we ever pursue domestic infant adoption...(they do exist!)

    Anyway, look deep into his eyes no matter how you feed him and it will take away some of the hurt. (((hugs)))

  10. I lost twins before... except I lost both of them. I got one day with one of them and it still breaks my heart. This December they would have been 9.. It goes day by day sadly and we just have to find our own ways to cope. What worked for me may or may not work for you. That is the way it goes I suppose. But remember the smiling and the giggles that you cherish are for both of those sweet boys, and know that they both probably still play together and that sometimes when those smiles look extra sweet Matthew is more than likely right there beside him.

    He looked absolutely adorable as a spider and like my girls he has such adorable facial expressions. They don't need to talk at this age their faces tell us moms so much I think.

    I hope the days get easier. And don't feel bad when they do it is not that you are getting over it or anything like that, it is just that it is getting easier. And time will do that. Cherish every moment.


  11. Praying for you & what wonderful outfits. Remembering & loving both your sons.
    You are such a wonderful & strong Mommy !

  12. You are such a beautiful writer. I'm so sorry your heart hurts. I just wish the hurt would go away. Love you and praying for you.

  13. you are such a wonderful soul.. i am sorry for your heart hurts... and at the same time so happy to see your smile and that gorgeous luke of yours. man is he drop dead deliciously cute!! :)