Thursday, September 23, 2010

It's hard.

I don't even know what to say but that it's hard.

It's hard to be hopeful and realistic at the same time.

It's hard to expect the best, but know that the worst happens.

It's hard to plant flowers at your son's grave on your way to the OB appointment for his brother.

It's hard to think about whether you should plan a birthday party or a baby shower in the same month.

It's hard to want both and neither at the same time.

It's hard to take pictures of one son's nursery as you know you are about to dismantle it for another son.

It's hard to extend grace to those you love when you feel so justified in your anger with them--and the hormones DO NOT HELP.

It's hard to balance the desire to do everything and nothing at the same time.

It's hard to justify doing a ton of stuff because it's been neglected and not doing anything because your most important job is taking care of you and the baby.

It's hard to sweep the pieces of your broken heart up every morning as you simultaneously feel them just burst with love over every sweet little wake-up kick and jab.

It's hard for things to be so normal and so surreal.

It's hard. I saw Dr. Shonekan yesterday and just about cried the whole visit. She said she thought of me the other day as she knew we were getting closer to Matthew's birthday and imagined it must be hard. It is. And she was the one who reminded me that as if we don't have enough to deal with, hormones only make it worse.

These days are hard. Conflicting, guilt-ridden, exhausting (because as much as I really am filled with such joy over Luke, every day is a purposeful determination to ACCEPT that joy I am given. Make no doubt that it is God-given, but we have to ACCEPT it and that takes purpose and determination and choice) and hard.

Just hard.

25 comments:

  1. I am crying now. I know it must be SO hard! We are probably going to start trying again soon...and just thinking about that is hard. You are in my prayers...and Luke of course! ((HUGE HUGS))

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  2. praying for you as November approaches. Love ya!

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  3. *Nodding my head.* And then we wonder why we're tired?! All of that takes so much energy to navigate ON TOP OF growing a baby. I think of you every day. Lots of love.

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  4. Comingling a broken heart with a joyous heart IS HARD.

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers always Lori. This journey will always tug at our hearts, as a Mother's love is forever.

    I'm glad you were able to plant some new flowers for Matthew. Bittersweet, I know. Brings me to tears to even think about how hard this is on you. <3

    Praying for you in this very moment.

    xoxo

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  5. Lori, I've been lurking on your blog for a while, but have never posted. I just wanted you to know that I love you and my heart hurts to see you in so much pain. Pain that I cannot even begin to imagine. Praying for you.

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  6. Perfectly put! I feel the same ~ so many days of feeling up and down...it is hard and exhausting.

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  7. Just want to send you some HUGS and lots of love. yes it is hard, the only thing you can do is your best. praying for some peace for your sweet soul Lori. Love you

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  8. Thinking of you Lori with all my heart, I know where you are in a way coming up to Zach's birthday and following this rainbow route so closely with you as well.
    Sending you all my love, prayers and hope. Hope that these next few weeks, days, months will go peacefully for you & even if they are "hard" that you will be filled with strength that will help you to get through it all whilst looking after Luke. Thinking of you as always Jo Xxxxx

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  9. Big hugs and many prayers dear friend! This post just breaks my heart!

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  10. Ditto......to it all.......and tears as well...there is nothing easy about the life after loss....i wish it was, but it definitely is NOT....and juggling the happy/sad mom is even harder, ive labeled myself a bipolar BLM for this exact reason (((hugs)))

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  11. Oh, Lori. It IS so hard. It really is. And I nodded my head through this whole thing because I can relate to so much of this.
    And, if I'm honest, I think it might always be hard. Now that she's here it is still hard.
    But it's normal and you get through it and we are all here for you. You'll have good days and bad. Hopefully you can lean on us for both!
    You're doing great, mama!
    Love to you!

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  12. So many conflicting emotions...your post summed them up well. I pray for an extra measure of grace and peace for you, my friend. Know that I'm thinking of you as you find your way through.

    Love,
    Kim

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  13. It is so hard! That was a beautiful post. I've had the exact same thoughts about honoring Wyatt's birthday and my shower in the same week (did I mention my birthday, too?). I used to love November. I think people somehow think the pain is gone because you're pregnant again. Those are the people who are hardest for me to deal with.

    I'm thinking about you. XOXO

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  14. Oh Lori, this post was so heartfelt and beautiful. Accepting the joy, what a wonderful way to put it...I've been having a really hard time with the anger lately too. Praying for you to be granted the strength & peace you need as your sons birthday approaches. Sending love & hugs your way.

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  15. The balance between the incredibly strong sadness of missing the child that left far too soon and the joy and excitement of the child who will never know their older sibling can be so difficult and such a struggle. For us, Matthew's first birthday was so hard, but this year knowing that he was no longer going to be the "baby" of the family somehow made it just as hard. Lots and lots of hugs

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  16. All I can say is AMEN!!! I completely get it! (((HUGS)))

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  17. OH, Lori - what an incredibly brave, optimistic, and amazing woman you are -- that you can balance all the hard with the joyous speaks worlds as to the phenomenal woman you are -- i wish there were some way to flip the easy switch -- I am really glad you were able to shower Matthew with flowers of your love -- and that Luke is reaping your love as evidenced by his great perking and kicking... you amaze me... hugs hugs hugs.

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  18. I'm appreciate your writing skill.Please keep on working hard.^^

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  19. hi there. i'm so sorry for your loss... praying things continue to go smoothly. i can imagine it must be such a mixed journey.

    (i found your blog via jennifer saake's hannah's hope blog so... hello!)

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  20. This is such a hard journey. I keep you and your little family in my thoughts and prayers. Try to keep your chin up. Sending you GIANT HUGS!!!!

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  21. Hey Lori! I know I haven't posted in a long time, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you! You are so special and I always feel privileged to read your blog.

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  22. Pregnancy after loss is SO hard. Even if you know your chance for another loss is very small, it weighs on you. You probably take very little comfort in the statistics - I know I don't!

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  23. (((LORI)))

    It IS so hard. Don't feel guilty or bad for the roller coaster of emotions between joy and grief...I live that every day, and it's tough. But I've come to learn that in our circumstance...it's okay. Tough, rough and unfair...but okay.

    Planning Evan's first birthday was pure agony and I could only sing "Happy Birthday to you" before I got all choked up and started crying. Celebrating the precious life of Evan, while mourning the fact that his twin brother was not hearing this song for him too. It was unbelievably painful. And I'm already struggling with Christmas and birthday #2...and every other holiday and minute and day that Zac is not with us here on earth.

    I'm praying for you dear friend. Praying for sweet Luke, and praying that Zac makes sure Matthew has a wonderful birthday above.

    (((HUGS)))

    Heather (heathershope - HP)

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  24. The part about the nursery made me tear up...a concrete, specific example of the struggle. I hate that sometimes your dual responsibilities of mothering each son (honoring and remembering Matthew and preparing for and anticipating Luke) are at odds, in a way. The two should never feel mutually exclusive. Still praying for your family as you face the joys and sorrows of each new day and somehow figure out how to balance them.

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