Sunday, February 14, 2010

This and That...

So, being the reader that I am, I have bought a lot of books lately. A lot.
I mean really, a LOT! I think the UPS guy must think I do nothing but shop Amazon on a daily basis. (I sort of do.)

I've bought books on pregnancy's name it, I've probably bought a book about it in the last 11 weeks. I really think I have maintained my sanity the last few months by immersing myself in reading. Between the books I've bought, the non-stop Google searches I make on a regular basis and the blogs I stalk (and discover) daily, I spend a lot of time reading. Again, I emphasize A LOT.

I've made mention that we have gone back to Shady Grove and that Dr. Kiperzstock has recommended we transfer the frozen embryo we were blessed to have left from Matthew's batch. This has obviously led me to have a lot of apprehension as I am very well aware of the one billion and eight (exactly) things that can go wrong and end up very tragically.

All the books, blogs and research say this is to be expected. Even Dr. Kiperzstock himself told me that I was going to worry every single day. He also told me that's what I pay him to do, so I should try to let him as much as I can. Ha ha...I love that all my doctors appreciate and have good senses of humor.

The thing is, there's just no stopping the worry, so I am not even going to try. What I AM going to try doing, though, is being just as joyful, hopeful and expectant about this upcoming cycle and any others we may have to do if this is not successful. I look back to posts a year ago and can feel the excitement and joy I had.

I don't want Matthew's brother or sister to miss out on one bit of the same excitement and joy over his or her impending entrance to our lives. I want every day of his or her life to be infused with nothing but hope.

This is what the books say is tricky, though. The fact is, I have lost the innocence that comes with feeling invincible in pregnancy--that my child is destined to be on this earth for a lifetime and I am destined to raise him. I know that this is just not always the way it goes, even at 40 weeks and 4 days. On the way to the hospital, I remember thinking, "Well...worst-case scenario is that they have to deliver him emergency c-section, but if they have to, they have to."

Yeah, unfortunately, didn't think that one all the way out to REAL worst-case scenario. REAL worst-case scenario is that they DO have to deliver emergency c-section, and he DIES. And because I know that happens, regardless of how rare or uncommon it is, I will have to work on restricting my worry and thoroughly enjoying every second of another pregnancy.

How sad is it that one has to WORK at enjoying one of the most miraculous things in the entire world?

Moreover, how sad is it that one has to work so hard at that WHILE mourning the loss of her precious baby boy?

I know. Very sad.

In any event, in an effort to be excited and positive about Matthew's twin, I want to be sure to document all the goings on.

We saw Dr. Kiperzstock on Tuesday for the mock transfer. It was WAY more uncomfortable than I remember it being last year, but that's due to the fact I have since had a hasty emergency c-section (and not too long ago, either) and things are not as they once were. I am not looking forward to the actual transfer (which has tentatively been scheduled for March 4), because it will be more of the same, only with a very full bladder. Super.

I go in tomorrow for a baseline ultrasound, and will likely begin taking Delestrogen shots every 3rd day until the transfer. I will add progesterone in oil (yuck!) to the mix around the 26th and continue that until the beta test (probably on the 17th). If it is a positive test, I'll continue those for a while. Here's hoping I have to take those shots for a long time.


  1. I am praying everything goes smoothly! I so hope we can be pregnant together! This is definitely a scary journey after experiencing loss. Even though the precautions we are taking is to prevent another SLOS baby, there are so many other things that can go terribly wrong, as you say, and I know even using a donated embryo won't make us worry any less.

    Anyway, I am praying that all goes well. You're scaring me about the transfer though, my friend! ;)

  2. Lori!! You will do great with all the shots, etc etc -- will be thinking of you even more, as you prepare your body, mind, and soul to become pregnant again -- lots of yoga, deep breathing, prayer -- and anything else you need to keep hanging onto faith!!

  3. Lori, I know it's a scary road to be on. Mourning and trying to find joy at the same time. I can't tell you how excited I am for you though :) I will be praying for you as March 4 approaches. xx

  4. I'm very excited for you.
    A trial run? What? Who came up with that idea???? ;)
    Hugs to you!

  5. Oh my gosh...... exciting and scary! I a keeping everything crossed for you and I hope this year will be blessed for you guys! xoxo

  6. ((((Lori)))) I hear ya. You said something I feel every day...the innocence of possible pregnancy has been stolen and worry has replaced bliss. BUT...I am so happy to see you sharing about your upcoming cycle. I will be praying for you!!!! Praying that through the fears and through the worries that you may find some joy. Especially as you continue to mourn and miss sweet Matthew.
    Praying that the transfer will be less painful than anticipated. Those darn emerg c-sections sure can do a number on a woman! I'm dealing with the same :(

    Praying for you my dear!!!!!!

  7. best wishes! i'd love to hear more about the books you've been reading and whether or not you recommend them. i, too, have been immersing myself in books about what you mentioned, and it has done me so much good. always looking for a good recommendation.

  8. You will continue to be in my prayers as you start this part of your journey. The phrase I adopted with both my pregnancies after the twin's birth/death was "cautiously optimistic" You'll never get that innocence and naive un-awareness back, but you can and will enjoy it and sometimes I think moreso because I truly realized what a blessing each day was...puke, cankles, & all. (((hugs)) to you.

  9. YAY!!! I am so excited for you and that you are starting this process. Since I know (and you know how much I know) how crazy and nerve wracking and emotional and sad this process can be - consider me your personal cheerleader :). I'm sending nothing but positive, hopeful, and sticky vibes into the universe. This way, if you have a bad day (or 10), you can rest easy that others are praying and hoping and cheering for your little embie.

  10. Lori,

    Know that I am praying with every ounce of my being that all goes well for you. May God guide the hands of those who transfer this precious embie.

    I relate to your worry...I've worried about everything imaginable and have not even realy gotten started. For now, I've taken the approach that I must will myself into the positive and seek out the JOY, as that is most beneficial to my overall health. I only wish it weren't so complicated.

    You will remain in my prayers, as will sweet Matthew, your forever guardian angel.


  11. I am praying for you during this process. As I told you before, it was a true turning point for us. Praying for a smooth, sucessful cycle for you guys. I swear that Ethan and Jacob picked this baby out for us. I hope your little Matthew is up in Heaven picking out his brother or sister. Big hugs dear.