I had a rough day yesterday. What's new? Last night, as I went to sleep, I fervently and passionately prayed to God for the first time in a long time. I prayed for every mother I have *met* who has lost a baby. I prayed for every woman I *meet* who desperately, desperately wants to be a mom. I prayed with every fiber of my being for God to show Himself to me and continue to carry me through each day.
This morning, I made my FB status: Today is a new day that the Lord has made. I will be glad and rejoice in it.
And I was and I did.
My church morning was inspiring--literally with every note played or sung, my heart swelled. My Sunday School class focused on love. It was a lighthearted and fun morning dedicated to remind us that we were made to love--God and our neighbors. Oh, how I have been blessed with people to love and who love me!
Today, for the first time in a long time, 13 weeks and one day, to be exact, I was thankful to God for my life. I was thankful for my blessings. I remembered how it felt to smile when singing praise to God, and even though I teared up here and there, I smiled more than I cried.
So, when reading through my extensive Google Reader list, I came upon Katy's and Kristie's site and was asked this question:
What positive things have come from the loss of your baby?
SERIOUSLY? Positive things from losing my baby? That does not seem possible.
And yet--being reminded this morning that what matters most in the world is my relationship with God, I feel charged enough to admit (though shakily) that though I have seen the darkest days of my life since Matthew died, I have also seen wondrous, wondrous things.
*John and I have amazing families. For several, several days after Matthew was born and died, I don't even know how I got up in the morning. I don't even remember it. I just remember I always had someone getting me something to drink, taking my blood pressure, insisting I sit down, making my bed, feeding me, dressing me...literally and truly sustaining me. More than that, loving me--crying and laughing with me and helping me remember I am blessed.
*I have learned that there really is NOTHING that John and I can't weather. I know that people who lose children often end up losing one another. As I've said before, John is THE only other person on this planet who lost my son, and we realize more than ever that we would be lost without the other. There is nothing we can't deal with together.
*There are so, so, SO many wonderful people in this world. As if we were not overwhelmed with the generosity and kindness and envelopment from our church and the military and our community, complete and total strangers have sent us so many different little encouragements. Complete strangers. I have been reminded that the compassion people share is honestly the way God works on this earth and I have been specifically and dramatically touched by it.
Probably the most important...and positive....
*I have been and am seeking God more than any time I have ever in my life. I have literally been brought to my knees in desperation and have had nowhere to go but to Him. I have been questioning things I have always taken for granted and though I have never felt more vulnerable in my life, I also feel like I have never had more support and encouragement while being so. It's very strange--scary and hopeful at the same time. Though I toss and turn and question and wrestle...I feel like I'm right where I should be, considering Matthew is not with me.
I've often said that while this is a trial or test for me, I wonder why I had to be SO.KICKED.IN.THE.GUT for any points to be made. And yet...would I be at God's feet right now...literally begging for His mercy and His presence in my life? I'm hesitant to answer that...because the truth just hurts. I'm not ready to go there just yet.
But today I remembered what hope felt like and how precious to me it is. And that's pretty positive in my book.