Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Missing him....

It has been snowing for about 307 years. Or feels like it. I'm really hating this weather...I've never been a huge fan of the snow, but appreciated it for the occasional day (or twelve) off of school and the serenity the world seems to be under when it comes.
Not this year.

We had, in my opinion, a fairly mild fall. I was wearing capri jeans (one of two pair of pants that still fit) well into November. I do not really remember feeling cold, regarding the weather-sense of cold, until the day of Matthew's funeral.

It was cold, gray and rainy. As I sat in the chair in front of his tiny little casket, I shivered...not believing that to be my life and feeling cold for the first time in months and months.

Not long after Matthew died, we got the first big snowstorm of this winter. The East Coast was abuzz--a white Christmas!!! Excitement was all over-- even in our home (thankfully), with nephews and niece and dogs abounding.

But I HATED it. I hated every single snowflake that fell. I felt like each inch that accumulated was a personal affront to my heart. There I was, in the middle of the most devastating time I've ever known....my heart literally feeling like it was breaking in pieces and I had to purposely tell my brain to breathe...and the world was covered in quiet--a calm and blissful ignorance to the hell I was going through. I had no idea how I was supposed feel the world was beautiful when MINE HAD CRASHED. It was just not happening.

And so...this winter seems to be purposely dragging--and taking my heart with it. Every time I go out into the cold, I associate the weather with that day. Every time it snows, and Lord knows it's been a lot, I remember how my little boy's life was book-ended by uncharacteristic snowstorms that brought nearly 2 feet each. I will be reminded by the snow, forever...and I hate it.
Cleaning out the office (a SO needed chore) was a great thing to tackle today, and in doing so, I came across a sonogram picture. I don't know why it wasn't in the folder I have for all the other sonogram pictures, but it made me smile.

Then it made me cry. I miss that little (huge) foot. I am so saddened that I never even got to touch those toes...much less give each little piggy a kiss.

I miss him.


14 comments:

  1. All I've got to give you are extra prayers. Have been sending them all day today anyway but will double up the frequency and intensity. Hoping you feel the effect of them. With love.

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  2. You've been on my mind a lot in the past few days. I've been saying lots of prayers for you and Matthew. I, too, am sick of winter and I'm so ready for the promise that spring will bring.
    Such a sweet big foot:)
    Sending you lots of hugs and love.

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  3. What a perfect little foot! I'm so glad you have those pictures even tho they bring tears with the smiles.
    (((hugs)))

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  4. Oh Lori, I HATE that you didn't get to kiss those sweet toes!

    Wish I had something profound to say about the snow, but words seem shallow, so simply know you remain in my prayers. I'm humbled by your ongoing outreach to me while you continue through the very midst of such a profound grief that makes my trials seem so small. {{{hug}}}

    I'm sorry to hear of your sister's health struggles as well. :(

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  5. I am in Virginia; and couldn't agree with you more. For some reason, the peacefulness and innocence of all this snow doesn't quite resonate with me either. I think being "trapped" in our houses doesn't help with the lonely and aching feeling that comes with our grief.

    Here's hoping to brighter days...

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  6. I'm sending a virtual hug and FL sunshine your way.

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  7. Lori - I have fallen off the blog wagon and just started to catch up. I am very saddened by your post and the hurt you are feeling. I will think about you today and Matthew! Enjoy your day off.

    Hugs!
    Jes

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  8. praying for you today. i'm so sorry you didn't get to kiss those precious toes, but rejoicing in the truth that you will be able to one day. this hope keeps me going after losing jonathan.

    ps: i'm heading to DC from FL next week and really hoping to not get caught in all that snow. this FL girl doesn't do snow. :)

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  9. What a precious foot that is! I'm so glad you found that photo.

    Strange as it might seem, I feel similarly about the snow, but for different reasons. We buried our darling in early September, so it wasn't wintery, though it was cold and rainy. But it always bothers me that she is in the cold ground. I know she's not really there, but I can't seem to get past it.

    Thinking of you, as always.

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  10. Lori - What perfect little feet. Sending some thoughts of warm Spring days and sunshine your way ... Love you, J

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  11. Indeed that was a big, little foot!

    I too, am tired of the snow...but don't really want to bet back to the daily routine.

    Try to think of the snow as clean and pure....covering up all the ugly and sadness over the last few months. When it all (finally) melts, hopefully, it will wash away some of the sorrow and pain and bring lots of sunshine to your soul.

    Love ya girl!
    Mel

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