It has been snowing for about 307 years. Or feels like it. I'm really hating this weather...I've never been a huge fan of the snow, but appreciated it for the occasional day (or twelve) off of school and the serenity the world seems to be under when it comes.
Not this year.
We had, in my opinion, a fairly mild fall. I was wearing capri jeans (one of two pair of pants that still fit) well into November. I do not really remember feeling cold, regarding the weather-sense of cold, until the day of Matthew's funeral.
It was cold, gray and rainy. As I sat in the chair in front of his tiny little casket, I shivered...not believing that to be my life and feeling cold for the first time in months and months.
Not long after Matthew died, we got the first big snowstorm of this winter. The East Coast was abuzz--a white Christmas!!! Excitement was all over-- even in our home (thankfully), with nephews and niece and dogs abounding.
But I HATED it. I hated every single snowflake that fell. I felt like each inch that accumulated was a personal affront to my heart. There I was, in the middle of the most devastating time I've ever known....my heart literally feeling like it was breaking in pieces and I had to purposely tell my brain to breathe...and the world was covered in quiet--a calm and blissful ignorance to the hell I was going through. I had no idea how I was supposed feel the world was beautiful when MINE HAD CRASHED. It was just not happening.
And so...this winter seems to be purposely dragging--and taking my heart with it. Every time I go out into the cold, I associate the weather with that day. Every time it snows, and Lord knows it's been a lot, I remember how my little boy's life was book-ended by uncharacteristic snowstorms that brought nearly 2 feet each. I will be reminded by the snow, forever...and I hate it.
Cleaning out the office (a SO needed chore) was a great thing to tackle today, and in doing so, I came across a sonogram picture. I don't know why it wasn't in the folder I have for all the other sonogram pictures, but it made me smile.
Then it made me cry. I miss that little (huge) foot. I am so saddened that I never even got to touch those toes...much less give each little piggy a kiss.
I miss him.