Thursday, February 18, 2010

One gasp...

It has been a hard couple of days. For various reasons, too small to list, too numerous to be anything but difficult when bundled together...I have had a hard couple of days.

Part of it was that I started the delestrogen shots on Monday and really was bitter about that. I am trying to see the blessing of having the opportunity to be transferring our little embryo, but right now I am feeling bitter about doing it WITHOUT Matthew. I feel like I did my time, paid my dues. Over 10 years of trying, Kyrgyzstan closing, all the stuff with IVF the first time, a beautiful and perfect little boy...and still....back to shots almost a year later. Just really feeling the UNFAIR in my favorite mantra of 'Life is not fair.'

I picked up our medical records yesterday. There are so many things I just didn't know (and still don't because I am SO.NOT.A.DOCTOR) but as medical records are some of the few things I can have of Matthew, I wanted them.

They were heartbreaking.

Baby Boy Ennis is a 40 week and 4 day infant born to 36yo G1 P0 now 1 mom with blood type 0 pos....Conception via IVF...Pregnancy complicated by ultrasound concerning for right renal agenesis. Mom presented to L&D for induction.........Blah blah blah about stuff I don't understand and don't want to repeat....After IUPC was placed, fetal HR dropped to 50s and copious vaginal blood. Stat C/S performed. Infant had no HR, one gasp after delivery....

One gasp after precious son came into this awful world with one gasp...

And I didn't even hear it. He tried to fight the second he was born.

There's obviously more to the records, but right now, that's all.

That's all.


  1. Oh Lori. I read all of my medical records after Oliver was born. Someone suggested it. It was horrifying. Like you it had been quite the path for us to his pregnancy (for very different reasons, several miscarriages) and seeing it all written down was just overwhelming. Then the people commenting on his birth. Ugh. But you are a fighter just like your son and I hope for wonderful things for you in 2010.

  2. Loving you, praying for you through the tears and into the hope.

  3. I also picked up Juan's 4 weeks after we lost him. It is so hard to read them from a medical point of view. But it has really helped me. I hope that you can have that same "help" even if it is not what you want to read. Stay strong! I am so sorry you have to be going through all of this.

  4. Sending you love....

    Thinking of you as you enter into the IVF process again. I know there are so many emotions that you are trying to grasp from day to day and I can't even imagine your daily struggles, but know that I CARE. I care that you hurt, I care the you lost your precious son and I pray for you always. I may not always have the perfect words, but know that you are never far from my thoughts :)

    Pouring over those medical records must have been awful. I've never had the courage to do so.

    Praying for you as you remember your beautiful, precious son, Matthew.

    *HUGS & LOVE*

  5. I know.
    According to Ciaran's birth records from the hospital, he made one small cry when he was born. I never heard it :(
    I actually doubt that he did because with his condition it was unlikely that he could have. But that one line in his birth record tortures me.


  6. That makes me want to cry just knowing your little boy took a gasp. I can't believe they didn't tell you, or maybe I can. I didn't learn IMPORTANT details until Jenna was already in the NICU a few days. I can only imagine how it must have hit your heart to read these words, but i am glad you have them. Thinking of you. xx

  7. Dear, sweet Lori. I am so very sorry. I have no more words than that. (((hugs)))

  8. Oh Lori, my heart breaks for you on so many levels! I found going back for our 2nd IVF attempt after losing Jack and Ethan VERY painful!! I cried as I laid on the same table almost one year earlier waiting for my first ever transfer. Cried at the memories of it all. Cried with the nurse, and then clung on for all my might to any shred of hope. You are right...even though this is a new time in life, it is so painful to be doing it without the child you have lost. To be doing it without's painful.
    I am so sorry for the records you read. Sorry that you didn't hear his tiny breath. So sorry for so much about what happened, but most of all that Matthew is not in your arms right now.
    I often wish I could have heard Zac's voice, his cries. But with his ventilator and heavy meds that created a medical induced paralysis so he wouldn't move around...I never did. But I wish I could have too.

    I think about our next FET (we have 6 frostie babies waiting)...and I know I'm not ready yet because I am TERRIFIED. Terrified to become pregnant again, terrified to NOT become pregnant, terrified of many things...I have more fear than hope and optimism.

    I am praying daily for you as you move towards this precious little life being transfered back home to your womb. Praying for hope and peace and life.

    I find final comments from doctors sometimes haunting. I think you are brave for reading the reports. I often want to, but find myself paralyzed by the thoughts of finding a way to blame myself for what happened. Yet, maybe knowing I didn't do anything would help? I just don't know.

    My heart is with you! My prayers (as feeble as they are these days) are with you.

    Heather (HeathersHope - HP)

  9. I requested all the medical records because I wanted everything that had their names on it and anything that was about them. It was all very overwhelming when I sat down and read them.

    Thinking of you! xo

  10. I picked up Ethan and Jacob's medical records too. It is such a mix of emotions. When I didn't know, I was so upset that I didn't know everything that happened during my children's short lives. Once I recieved them, and went through it all... things like Matthew's gasp broke my heart. I was so sad to not know, little did I know that the records would make me sad too.
    I am so sorry you have to go through all of this.

  11. Lori,

    Just stopping in to send more love, more prayers and to remember your sweet son with you.



  12. Lori:

    There are no words, really, other than to say I keep praying for you and John as you go through the grieving process.

    Kathy W

  13. Crying tears for you and your sweet Matthew. Sending hugs and prayers to you and John.

  14. How hard it must be to read this. You are so strong (even when you think you aren't). I continue to pray for you and John and find you in my thoughts so often! Word verification? Perphos? Perphos? I got nothing!!

  15. Just letting you know I'm here.

  16. I cannot imagine how hard it was to read those words in Matthew's chart! God is working in you and through you, I can read it in every one of your posts. I can imagine Matthew sitting along side Jesus cheering on his mom & dad through this next FET procedure. He says "Go mom, you can do it!"


  17. Thinking of you Lori...
    With love,

  18. Lori, I also did the read through. Oh, why doesn't someone warn us before we do that? And it's not like we're ever ready to hear it. I'm so sorry that your doctors didn't share with you before hand that precious moment when your sweet baby boy stood between this world and the next. In a way it's kind of amazing what one breath can do to change the world. His breath has become a statement of his spirit to you and to us all. How proud you must be of your brave, strong son. What comes to us like a sword piercing our soul, can sometimes become a moment of triumph and victory.

  19. Lori - Oh ... I know, I know, I know ... medical records always manage to floor me, even when I "know" what they are going to say ... but about your sweet son ... so heartwrenching ... I am so sorry. And I am sending you hope and love as you move forward, day-by-day. Thinking of you ... XO, J

  20. Hi Lori, thank you for your sweet comment on my blog :) I came over to tell you I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, and this post has me all teared up, so heartbreaking. I pray for your peace and comfort to get thru each day one at a time. Many hugs, Nan xo

  21. Oh Lori! I am so sorry!

    I have been absent this past week and it broke my heart to read this post. Sorry I wasn't here for you when you needed it, but I am giving you a big hug now.