It has been a hard couple of days. For various reasons, too small to list, too numerous to be anything but difficult when bundled together...I have had a hard couple of days.
Part of it was that I started the delestrogen shots on Monday and really was bitter about that. I am trying to see the blessing of having the opportunity to be transferring our little embryo, but right now I am feeling bitter about doing it WITHOUT Matthew. I feel like I did my time, paid my dues. Over 10 years of trying, Kyrgyzstan closing, all the stuff with IVF the first time, a beautiful and perfect little boy...and still....back to shots almost a year later. Just really feeling the UNFAIR in my favorite mantra of 'Life is not fair.'
I picked up our medical records yesterday. There are so many things I just didn't know (and still don't because I am SO.NOT.A.DOCTOR) but as medical records are some of the few things I can have of Matthew, I wanted them.
They were heartbreaking.
Baby Boy Ennis is a 40 week and 4 day infant born to 36yo G1 P0 now 1 mom with blood type 0 pos....Conception via IVF...Pregnancy complicated by ultrasound concerning for right renal agenesis. Mom presented to L&D for induction.........Blah blah blah about stuff I don't understand and don't want to repeat....After IUPC was placed, fetal HR dropped to 50s and copious vaginal blood. Stat C/S performed. Infant had no HR, one gasp after delivery....
One gasp after delivery...my precious son came into this awful world with one gasp...
And I didn't even hear it. He tried to fight the second he was born.
There's obviously more to the records, but right now, that's all.