Temper Tantrums Flare, But Gratitude Wins

So.

Right after Christmas, I found a lump.  It scared me because it was much bigger than the one I found in October of 2012.  Similar area, but much bigger.  I called the doctor and because of the holidays, yesterday was the earliest I could get in.  It's shrunk since then, so I almost canceled the appointment and didn't waste my time...figuring it was fibroscystic breast disease, which is fairly common.

I went, expecting him to tell me it was nothing.  He did not.  He said it was very different, and he was concerned because I also had lymph nodes swollen.  I had no idea.  My mother's initial breast cancer started with swollen lymph nodes as symptomatic, but back then, it was chalked up to a virus.

My doctor said that may be the case here, but given history and IVF, he wasn't taking any chances.  I am scheduled for a mammogram and ultrasound, as well as biopsy of the nodes tomorrow.  He wanted it done quickly.  I'm never fond of that urgency.  It doesn't usually pan out well for me.

We also discussed some other symptoms I've been having recently.  I'm going to be 41 in a few months, and I did have endometriosis, so I just assumed the issues were age/hormone related.  He said that normally, he'd say they were, but he was concerned again because of my history, my family history (mother -breast and sister- ovarian cancers) and the IVF.  He did a pelvic check and found a mass.  More appointment scheduling.  His words were, "I wish I could tell you I wasn't looking for endometrial cancer, but I am."

Well, okay then.

IVF is an old, new technology.  While it's been around for 35 years, just now are we able to have any long-term studies (ha ha, 35 years is long-term?) done on the effects on women.  Some are fairly encouraging, but most say that it's still too early to tell.  The important take-homes for me are that women with unexplained infertility (me) who undergo IVF (me) have higher risks of uterine/ovarion/endometrial cancers.  Throw in my mom's oncologist telling me (a month before she died) that I should NEVER do hormone replacement therapy,  (and IVF might as well be that times on a million) and well....I'm not finding the irony of any of this funny.

I had a choice in doing fertility treatments.  If I did, I had children.

Granted, 2/3 of whom I don't even get to raise, but that's another bitter post.

If I did, I had children.  Apparently, I also risked leaving any said children motherless.  No, the irony is not humorous to me at all.

So, that's it in a nutshell.  I have a MILLION other things that are BIG news.  Okay, not a million, but several.

We are moving.  Not back to Maryland, either.

John will have a new job.

I have a new job.

Luke, over the course of just a few days, has transitioned to a toddler bed, given up the boppy (paci) and been dry in the morning regularly.  He turned three and seemed to turn into a BOY all of a sudden.

There are more things in the fire and more I want to do.

But now—things stand still as I wait.  I'm sure it'll all be fine.  Then again, I've heard that before in a lot of things.

When you've had it NOT be fine?  Repeatedly?

Little comfort.

That said, I am trying to not be angry, as is my natural inclination right now.  I want to be very angry.  I was yesterday, but honestly, today, just cannot justify it.  I have a great life, great things to come, and *if* anything should come of this, odds are it really will be just fine.  I wanted to throw a temper tantrum yesterday.

Today, I remember that I am grateful.  And gratitude always wins.