Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Temper Tantrums Flare, But Gratitude Wins


Right after Christmas, I found a lump.  It scared me because it was much bigger than the one I found in October of 2012.  Similar area, but much bigger.  I called the doctor and because of the holidays, yesterday was the earliest I could get in.  It's shrunk since then, so I almost canceled the appointment and didn't waste my time...figuring it was fibroscystic breast disease, which is fairly common.

I went, expecting him to tell me it was nothing.  He did not.  He said it was very different, and he was concerned because I also had lymph nodes swollen.  I had no idea.  My mother's initial breast cancer started with swollen lymph nodes as symptomatic, but back then, it was chalked up to a virus.

My doctor said that may be the case here, but given history and IVF, he wasn't taking any chances.  I am scheduled for a mammogram and ultrasound, as well as biopsy of the nodes tomorrow.  He wanted it done quickly.  I'm never fond of that urgency.  It doesn't usually pan out well for me.

We also discussed some other symptoms I've been having recently.  I'm going to be 41 in a few months, and I did have endometriosis, so I just assumed the issues were age/hormone related.  He said that normally, he'd say they were, but he was concerned again because of my history, my family history (mother -breast and sister- ovarian cancers) and the IVF.  He did a pelvic check and found a mass.  More appointment scheduling.  His words were, "I wish I could tell you I wasn't looking for endometrial cancer, but I am."

Well, okay then.

IVF is an old, new technology.  While it's been around for 35 years, just now are we able to have any long-term studies (ha ha, 35 years is long-term?) done on the effects on women.  Some are fairly encouraging, but most say that it's still too early to tell.  The important take-homes for me are that women with unexplained infertility (me) who undergo IVF (me) have higher risks of uterine/ovarion/endometrial cancers.  Throw in my mom's oncologist telling me (a month before she died) that I should NEVER do hormone replacement therapy,  (and IVF might as well be that times on a million) and well....I'm not finding the irony of any of this funny.

I had a choice in doing fertility treatments.  If I did, I had children.

Granted, 2/3 of whom I don't even get to raise, but that's another bitter post.

If I did, I had children.  Apparently, I also risked leaving any said children motherless.  No, the irony is not humorous to me at all.

So, that's it in a nutshell.  I have a MILLION other things that are BIG news.  Okay, not a million, but several.

We are moving.  Not back to Maryland, either.

John will have a new job.

I have a new job.

Luke, over the course of just a few days, has transitioned to a toddler bed, given up the boppy (paci) and been dry in the morning regularly.  He turned three and seemed to turn into a BOY all of a sudden.

There are more things in the fire and more I want to do.

But now—things stand still as I wait.  I'm sure it'll all be fine.  Then again, I've heard that before in a lot of things.

When you've had it NOT be fine?  Repeatedly?

Little comfort.

That said, I am trying to not be angry, as is my natural inclination right now.  I want to be very angry.  I was yesterday, but honestly, today, just cannot justify it.  I have a great life, great things to come, and *if* anything should come of this, odds are it really will be just fine.  I wanted to throw a temper tantrum yesterday.

Today, I remember that I am grateful.  And gratitude always wins.


  1. I am so sorry and will be praying for you, especially tomorrow. <3

  2. Giving you a lifetime of prayers, good thoughts and support.

  3. Oh Lori. My heart just hurts, friend. Ironic when you fight so hard become a Mommy, only to then seriously question how long God has you here to mother. I keep coming face to face with the same reality that if I can trust my eternal future to God's hands, I can entrust my child's earthly span to Him as well, with or without me, but it still hurts. Love you and praying!

  4. i will not waste my time sharing stories of people i know who had a similar experience & either were fine or became fine after treatment when it was something rather than nothing. no words will bring you comfort. what i WILL say is that you have my prayers, and i don't just mean i'll say a sentence & be done. i'll be praying without ceasing.

    this isn't going to do much to help you feel better, but please try as hard as it may be to remember that if you do have uterine cancer, it is one of the most treatable because you can live without a womb & the organs around it. and you may still have cystic breasts. but even if it's cancer, these days many can be treated without even undergoing chemo or radiation... surgery, but that's a small price to pay to be cured & done with it all at once. again, i know this isn't going to help you feel better, but maybe reading it will give you other facts to focus on besides the ones that are the worst.

    praying for you... please keep us posted. i can't think of anything else i can offer to do, but if you think of something, please let me know.

  5. I am praying for you right now! My heart is with you.

  6. Based on the title I thought it was going to be a post about Luke as a three year old, it is such a huge jump from 2 to 3. But I was so sad to read the bad news instead. I will be praying for you. May you feel the love and comfort of the Lord surround you and your family, always.

  7. Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.

    Dang it!

    You've helped teach me to pray with this now I pray. For you. Things will be okay...and how do I know that?

    Because you're a fighter.

    You've helped teach me that too.

  8. God bless Lori, sending prayers and hugs your way.

  9. No words, just lots of love friend.... <3 I

    and on a totally different note, something about turning 3 turned my baby boy into a big boy too!! That was a hard one!

  10. Praying immediately! Will be looking for your update post when you get around to it.

    (((((hugs))))) and much love-

  11. Thinking of and praying for you Lori!!

  12. My beautiful friend, sending you so much love and so many prayers!!

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