On Maintaining A Happy Face...

I got the results of the node biopsy last week. As predicted, they were "Non-cancerous.  Benign alternatives all within normal limits."

Thankful.  I posted on FB because I was just so grateful!  One big thing down, one to go...sort of.

Well, I posted too soon.  Later that morning, I got a call from radiology about something on the mammogram that required more imaging and then got a letter too just to reiterate that in further studying, etc., there may be more to look at.  Awesome.  I've not gone back for another mammogram because next week, I see an amazing surgeon and he will be the decider of what to do with the "We're not sure what that lump is but it doesn't look like cancer," lump.  Speaking to my OB again today, he reiterated his happiness that I was seeing the surgeon and told me to be prepared for him to want to take a better look at it.

Prepared used to be my middle name.

I went in for my pelvic ultrasound this morning, to be followed by an endometrial biopsy.  (Seriously, tons of fun.)  The tech was nice and as often happens pretty much any time I am laying on an ultrasound table, looking at the ceiling and hearing the whoosh-whoosh of prenatal heartbeats nearby, tears slowly came out of the corners of my eyes.

I couldn't help it.  I cannot count how many times I've been on a table like that.  Praying.  Rejoicing.  Pleading.  Sobbing.

No matter how far away from infertility and loss I feel like I get...I am always reminded that I'll NEVER get away from it.

Never.

So, as she's looking and telling me how fabulously fertile I look, and sharing her sorrow over "my story", she tells me that the endometrial lining looks great.  I saw the coveted triple stripe that sooooo many IVF gals are looking for at transfer time, and 4 dominant follicles.  Yep.  Totally, totally look like (and have blood work to prove) a gal with the fertility of a 30-year-old.

Except I'm not.

My pain has been primarily one-sided.  She spent a lot of time there, but didn't say much, so I didn't figure there was anything going on.  Then, after, I said, "Well, if the endometrium looks good, maybe he won't want to do a biopsy, right?"

She said, "Probably not on the endometrium, no. But...there's something going on with your right ovary.  He's probably going to want more testing."

I nervously told her, "Well, at least I know I wasn't crazy and this pain wasn't fake!"

She sort of fidgeted and smiled and then asked if I needed any tissues.

That does not sound very encouraging, does it?  It didn't to me, either.

I went back into the waiting room to wait on the doctor.  The HUGE, very filled with happy-pregnant-people, waiting room and just bit my lip to hold back the tears.  I wasn't necessarily afraid; just anxious...and I felt very, very small.

I looked around.  I try not to be jealous.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I try not to let what-will-not-be steal any joy of what-is-right-now.  I try to be grateful for all I have instead of wistful for what I've lost. I try not to let bitterness and anger over how I should have a house full of little boys cloud the unimaginable joy that I have in one amazing Threenager who calls me Mama.

But friends, it.is.hard.

IT IS HARD!

I want to scream that sometimes.  IT IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Attitudes, in my opinion, are choice-based.  I choose joy or peace or happiness over depression, anxiety and anger.

I think, though, sometimes it is forgotten how difficult those choices are.  How gut-wrenching infertility and loss can make someone feel and how deep a valley they have to come from just to get to those 'choices'.

I'm not looking for pats on the back.  I do NOTHING in this world without the grace of God.  NOTHING.  But for His grace and provision of support in friends and outlets and healing through my sweet Luke?

I'd have let myself die off a long time ago.

But the pull to go the other way is strong sometimes...to just throw myself into the natural inclination, which right now for me is, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" and still, I feel guilty even saying that because I'm not even sure about what it is I'm being kidded.   The pull to break down and cry is just pretty strong.

So I did a bit today.  And am now.  And feel better for doing so.

When Luke wakes up from nap, I'll go right back to the Mama he knows and loves—silly, giggly, wildly-in-love-with-him Mama and he'll not have a clue that I had a little pity party for myself.

And we will have Krispy Kreme donuts.  Because seriously, they make my kid (and me) smile.

Grateful.

As for what the doctor said...essentially, he does not think the cysts found are cancerous, but took some blood and wants me to come back in 6 weeks for another pelvic ultrasound.  Given my mother's and sister's history, he said that I'm valid in being concerned about cancer.  Given MY history of PCOS and ovarian cysts, he feels pretty confident that it'll be ok but he wants to be sure since I've been having pain.  He feels the pain (gut-busting!) is probably residual scar tissue from surgeries and endometriosis and he still wants to do an endometrial biopsy but will wait for 6 weeks so as not to put me through it today and compare ultrasound findings from today with 6 weeks' time.  He is a really great doctor.  Said he wished he could be more comforting but for now, odds are this is all just vigilance but if there is cancer or whatever, it's very early and things should be just fine.  I feel that way too.  I am not going to really rest too easily for the next 6 weeks, BUT...I do feel like whatever is going on is not something huge.  Then again...if you know me in real life, or have read this blog long enough....you know how *great* my gut instinct is, don't you?


Oh, hey, did I mention I'm having sinus surgery in two weeks?

You know...because I just like a few more things on my plate....