Monday, February 4, 2013

Some Real Things About Me...

I am WAY behind on a couple of things I've committed to.

In 20 years, I've fallen into John's mantra, "If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do."

Given, that's working good enough for me these days.  But, the Type A/Recovering OCDer in me still cringes.  A lot.  This is not how I pictured my life.  As a woman or a wife or a mother.

Kelly's Walking With You is perfect for me.  I'm two weeks behind in it, but you know what?  I'll get to them.  I'm just going to go back and do the ones I've missed.  I think this week's is important:

"Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!"

Yes.  Oh my word, yes.

I say I don't compare, but I do.  I almost always find myself feeling very...

Inadequate.

This morning, I needed to put some makeup on because I've been sick and I had appointments for Luke to go to and really, I just wanted to look somewhat presentable.

I don't even know where my makeup is.

Don't get me wrong—my arsenal is pretty small anyway.

But crap!  I am sort of in this pit these days where I do.not.even.care.what.I.look.like.

Yesterday, if any of my neighbors saw me when I checked the paper, they'd have seen a leopard print pajama top and an orange and green flowered bottom.

Because I have not done laundry for myself in 3 weeks.

Nothing fits me anyway.

I hate the way I am looking in clothes.  I've lost a lot of weight.  I know, it's my fault. I don't eat well.

Yada yada yada.

My face looks sunken in again.  Sickly.  I know it. I hate it.

I'm just not motivated enough to do anything about it.

People are very kind to me online.  They tell me that I look great or I have such a pretty smile, and honestly, I can't say how much I love hearing that and hate hearing it at the same time.

Trust me when I say there is no false modesty here.  I know I don't necessarily look my age.  I know that there are some pictures I take and even I say, "Wow...I don't clean up too poorly."

But really...for a long, long time, I've been feeling pretty defeated.

Mostly because I am stuck in this ugly, ugly, ugly comparison trap.

I am SO not a great military spouse.
I am SO not a fashion plate.
I am SO not the friend I WANT to be.
I am THE.WORST.MOTHER to those poor little babies I've lost.

I am SO not SO many things that I see in other women all.the.time.

I don't feel motivated to do anything to remember Matthew.  Like publicly, I mean.  I do every year for his birthday, the Pie Challenge, but I'd do that anyway.  I'm talking like parties or foundations or books or even much writing anymore unless it's something I've committed to.

I remember him.every.single.second of every.single.day.  That takes more toll on my heart sometimes than I can even muster.  Doing more?  I just don't have the energy.

Talk about guilt—comparing myself to others who are such advocates of so many different things.

Want to know something else?  I don't even want to.
Honestly.  There are more days than not that I feel like I just should close this blog and close facebook and stop writing anywhere because I don't like how it's evolved.

That people look to me for anything or rely on me for anything.

Truth is, it's hard enough just to muster the energy to be the mother I want to be for Luke. Or the wife I should be for John.

I don't know if it's just who I have become since Matthew died or if it's just this season right now that I am reliving a year ago and the new little life I had inside of me...but honestly, I just feel selfish.

I just want my world to revolve around Luke.  John, to the degree that it can right now with him gone.  Anyone or anything else is just too much.

I think part of my inclination to just hermit up is the whole comparison trap.

I always fall short.  Always.

Not busy enough. Not tall enough.  Not fashionable enough.  Not witty enough.  Not motivated enough.  Not grateful enough.  Not healthy enough. Not managing my time well enough.  Not doing enough to give back.  Not  doing enough for John.  Not doing enough for Luke.  Not doing enough for Matthew.  Not doing anything for poor little forgotten Trey.

Just not enough.

And yet—I know many people think so differently of me.  I'm not sure why; I live as honestly as I can. Yes, I post a lot of rosy posy posts on Facebook, but they are honest.  They are true.

I'm also not about to post that I've showered 3 times in the last 7 days, have probably eaten 3 meals in the last 7 days, have let my kid watch more tv in the last 7 days than he probably has in the last year, and that I *just* sent off a package to John and it was a cruddy one at that.

I already feel crappy enough! Why post that jazz?

Here's why:

To let anyone who reads and has any expectations of me know that I am a real person.

I've not done anything to my toes since November...and that was just tipping off nail polish that was still there from MAY.

My dresser drawers are so ridiculously out of order because I basically wear the same 5 things every week, there's no point in really even having them.

I wear the same pair of shoes all the time.  Day in, day out.  Sandals, no less.  I know I look weird.  They are comfortable.

I do not get anywhere near the sleep I should because I am watching some dumb trash tv show late at night. And by dumb trash tv show, I mean House Hunters.  Honey Boo Boo and Sister Wives and Amish Mafia are on earlier in the evening.

I have not cooked my poor husband a meal in probably 7 months.  Or more.  Who knows?

I know a thing or two about dysfunctional families.

My sister was told last week that she needs a heart transplant and I've yet to get in the car and drive the two hours out there.  In defense, we've been sick and I can't get her sick, but part of the reason I am sick is my own fault—I don't take good enough care of myself and if I did, I'd have been able to be out there helping her more.

I don't like it when people tell me that, either—that I don't take good care of myself. I know.  I'm very cognizant of it. Telling me obviously doesn't change it.

I don't put Luke in flannel or fleece because no matter how often I vacuum (daily, really), there is dog hair all over him all.the.time.  I am grossed out by it.  Yet, he eats off the floor all the time and I think nothing of it.

My bathroom counter is a mess.

There are a lot of people I.just.don't.like.  I know I need to love them like Jesus does, but I don't.  I don't ever let them know that, but I hate that *I* know it in my heart.

There...there's a lot of sharing there, huh?

Not sure how free of the comparison trap I feel in sharing all of this, because the reality is that I just won't ever be SO MANY THINGS, and I'll probably always compare myself to what I am not.

What I am, though...it's good enough. Just fine for me.

I'm a woman who loves her husband and though he drives her nuts sometimes, wouldn't know what to do with myself without him.

I'm a woman whose sun and moon revolve around the most amazing little gift in the form of a 2 year old named Samuel Luke.

I'm a woman who struggles with a God who goes before me and stands beside me, yet let my babies die.

I'm a woman who knows that I'll never understand how that can be, and so I just don't ask.  I look at Luke and know that the God who let my babies die is the same God who gave me such a treasure.  I don't understand, but I am grateful and willing to trust and believe.

I'm just me.

124 comments:

  1. Praying for your comfort.

    Love you because you're "just you."

    Going to the post office to mail you a tiny something.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I stinkin'. love you. And, this post. And, that you're real and broken and messy. And, you know what...I'm going to admit something dangerous here. I'm not really an overachiever with the advocacy, either. I know...weird because I um have this ministry and all. But, I'm not going to go all picket to get laws changed and all that jazz...not that I mind people who do. I'm just not.

    And, um...I've never finished a Dreams of You book for Faith, Grace, and Thomas. Even though the ministry that exists because they lived gives hundreds of them to other families every year.

    I didn't even start SGM as something to honor their memory. I was looking for a memory book for my friend who lost a baby. Along the way, it has become somewhat of a legacy to them...and obviously wouldn't exist were it not for their precious lives...but I wasn't looking for a project. I spent 8 years...just trying to survive. I remember them everyday, too...but don't always celebrate the special days outwardly. In fact, I have not done something to commemorate those days more than I have.

    I think we all need to be free to just accept that we are walking this life the best we can...and stop all the judging of our own performance and others. I am a walking billboard for inadequacy...everyday. That's why we need grace so much, my friend. That's why we need grace. We don't deserve it. That's the beauty of it...that's why it's grace. He gives it. And, it's always enough. So we don't have to be.

    He loves you just as you are. And, so do I.

    And, by the way...I've probably eaten enough meals in the last seven days to cover the ones you've missed. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. So many tears Lori... What a perfect post... written by a perfect woman... that God designed. I can relate to many many many things that I just read. After reading, I still love you the same!

    Last week, I told my friend Jen, that I was thinking of concluding my blog... Can you believe it??! She started crying over the phone, and said, " I will feel like I'm loosing him again Jenny... You keep him alive through your words..." Her words brought me to tears... realizing that I have done something so beautiful for my son, and at times, really forget my mission in doing so. Do you want to know why I said that I was going to conclude my blog?... Since we are being so honest here... I wasn't getting enough comments to feel like I was making a difference at all. I'm talking about the posts before we started writing the Walking With You again. There is hardly anything.

    I now realize, that writing about Isaiah and my journey, are a gift to him, not the comments being a gift to me...

    On a side note... I was cracking up at your attire on your trip to the mailbox!!

    You are the sweetest Lori!

    P.S. I'm still thinking and praying for your sister.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Love you. And love ALL your boys. And love, love, love that you are willing to share your messiness.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "I'm a woman who struggles with a God who goes before me and stands beside me, yet let my babies die." This line is powerful and true. Sometimes I wonder how I can still believe in God after everything, but then I just do. It must be grace. Thank you for your honesty. And I couldn't find my make up bag last week either......I blame the winter-who wants to leave the house in the cold? Keep on being real and sharing! Praying for you and John..

    ReplyDelete

  6. Your real Lori is the reason I read your blog. There are minutes, days and often months where we feel less than we should be. At the end of our lives, the only thing that matters is love. The love you have for your sons and husband and God's grace are enough. Just trust in that. Oh...... and eat cookies. They fix everything. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love, love, love this post. It's so honest, so real, and so much of I admit to myself and no one else. Thank you for being so real. I need to be more like you!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Remember when you were told that you act as if Luke isn't enough? That was total hogwash. While I know we're our own worst critics, I think you should elimiate the phrase "not enough" from your vocabulary entirely...because it's never going to bring anything positive to you.

    You've probably come across it already, but there's a quote that I remind myself of in this age of Facebook, blogs, Pinterest, and all other tools seemingly designed primarily for direct comparison: “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." People may have walked in similar shoes, but no one has on your exact pair or been down your exact path. I bet if everyone wrote as honest and raw a post as this, we'd be shocked at what they had to say.

    Remember to take your gifts of kindness and compassion and use them on yourself. Because there's a little boy who thinks you're the most wonderful, beautiful (Belle!) lady in the world...and in whom his sun rises and sets...and who he thinks hung the moon...etc., etc. He will always love you just as you are because he'll know your heart (though Teenage Luke might be embarrassed at your pajama get-up).

    P.S. That thing I asked you about a resource / starting point for? Take that off your plate right now :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh man Lori...I so needed to read this raw, honest and beautiful post today!
    I need to be "out there" and real. So much once again rang true to me.
    Once again...like reading my thoughts...down to the leopard print pj bottoms and flower print shirt!! I had to laugh when I read that. Because that is SO ME!!!! I'm sure the post man thinks I don't own actual clothes when twice he has had to bring a parcel to my house and both times I've been in pjs still...in the afternoon!

    Just know...I love you. Good, bad, beautiful, mess...

    You are loved.

    And don't you ever feel like you don't do enough for your angel babies. They are loved every single second of every day.
    They are loved by a precious mommy.

    You are loved!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lori - thank you for your honesty. You will probably never know how "enough" you are. I have never known someone who gives so much of herself so selflessly to others - to her family, to her sons, to her friends and even to perfect strangers. You continue to be someone who despite the self-proclaimed dirty hair and mismatched clothes is a woman who others look up to. Those who love you will always look past what you see as imperfections and see the beautiful woman you are.

    I have come, unbenounced to you, for strength during some of my darkest hours. I have gained wisdom from your words and strength from the sheer fact that you have risen from places that no human should have had to rise from. I can't say that I know what you have been through or continue to go through every minute of every day. Lord knows I don't ever want to know. I can say that although I have never had the honor to sit and hold your hands in prayer I am honored to walk with you in motherhood. I am honored to have been touched by your friendship. I am honored to have crossed paths with you; and you, my dear have been enough for me. You have changed me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow!!! Thanks for being so dang honest, and, please know that I love, love, love how honest and true you are to every word you write! I love your blog, I love being your friend, I want you to know I'm here for you, John, Matthew, Luke and Trey...you make my life so much better! If you ever need to get away to good ole' North Augusta, SC., we have an entire upstairs for you and Luke to use, to just clear your head! I'll cater to your every whim and need! Just know, you are never alone! <3
    MK Hucko

    ReplyDelete
  12. This has to be the most perfect blog ever. Thank you SO much for saying all the things about yourself that I feel about myself (right now) too. I hope it will change, but right now I feel like crap. Although sitations are a bit different I totally get SO MUCH of what you are saying! I am a terrible bereved mother...and I just can't live up to what I should do. I am completely down in the dumps and have let everything go right now. Here's hoping to get back on our feet soon.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you so much for your honesty in this, Lori. I have always had so much love, respect, and admiration for you...and even more so now that you have shared this. Your writing is always so amazing to read and you had me crying and cracking up. However you honor Matthew and Trey is just perfect. Hugs, Hannah Rose

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Lori, that all sounds so familiar to me. Ive been so busy with my little girl that I haven't even checked the blog world in months. I haven't written and I've let Sammy's blog just sit there with no activity. We still speak of Sammy and I think, pray and miss him daily, but I also feel guilty that the pain isnt as raw anymore and that it doesn't consume my every moment. Your list sounds familiar - a busy mom who struggles to take a bit of time for herself. Just know I'm thinking of you...even if I"m not always in this space.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am a mother who sometimes envies people who chose not to have kids.

    I am a mother doesn't like having people come over - even her kids' friends; it's just too stressful for me.

    I am a mother who likes to read trashy BDSM erotic novels (waayyy worse than Fifty Shades).

    I definitely don't wash my hair everyday and I wear a shirt about two times before it's 'dirty.' I've gone some weekends where I didn't brush my teeth the whole weekend.

    We are who we are. It's just sad that the world expects us to be someone else.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love your honesty, Lori. You're not afraid to admit that you're a mess and I love it. People may not know it but I am a mess too. I am lucky if I even get a shower once a week to wash my hair. There's stuff all over the house because I'm too lazy to put it away. Gosh so much more. This is my life and I'm ok with it (well, as ok with it as you can be I guess). Sometimes I don't have the energy to fully care for my living children, let along the ones who died. Wow, that sounds real nice. Eeek.

    I wanted to do something for Carleigh but never really wanted to put the energy into starting anything. Doesn't that sound great? I'm too lazy to honor my daughter's memory. I just hitched a ride on Kelly and help her. :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Lori! I can relate to so many things in this post! SO. many. things!! I don't have words to comfort you or a magic want to make it all better...not that you want that. And I know you aren't asking for words of wisdom. Good thing...I sure don't have them! I do think it's normal for women to feel like they aren't enough. I talk about that with my friends all the time. I do know thatGod made us all perfectly imperfect! I'm learning to try and be ok with that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lori,

    I really love this post! It is so honest, raw, and messy! It is perfect! Thank you so much for sharing! Hugs and love to you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you for sharing so honestly. It brings a bit of comfort to know that I am not the only one (um, am I comparing myself here? oops). Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
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