I looked back at the last birthday post for Matthew...one year ago today.
Heartbroken as I was, I was in such a different place. A place of restored hope and belief that I was again happy on this earth and would get to be happy in Heaven too.
This year, his birthday has hit me much harder.
I've since lost another child. That certainly colors my optimism of last year, I guess.
Last year, I was 50-50 for bringing home a baby to raise.
This year, I'm 1 for 3.
And done. No more to come.
Why should that have anything to do with Matthew's birthday this year?
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't.
Two weeks ago, out of the blue, I was overcome with emotion. Standing in church, singing a song I wasn't really even into, much less really moved by, and my mind wandered.
Wandered to the last breath that Matthew took.
What was that like? Was he scared? Did he know? Did it hurt? Did he know I wasn't with him?
Thankful that I did not have to be there to witness it.
Isn't that terrible? I would have given anything in the world to hold that baby as he left this world...let him know his mama loved him and would be with him every second she could.
But I am so, so, SO thankful that I don't really know what that was like because I think I'd have committed suicide that night. Truly. The flashbacks and the PTSD I suffer from his birth and death are bad enough.
My greatest regret is not being able to get to the hospital and hold him, and yet, such a blessing to my mental health as well because there's no doubt in my mind I'd have made my last breath not too much longer after his.
I have not been sleeping for weeks. I've been depressed. My therapist said it stood to reason...these are pretty heavy-duty days. My husband is leaving soon. I should be in the throes of newborn-hood and instead am now mourning two boys and the knowledge that my child-bearing days are over. I'm still regulating from high doses of hormones and Matthew's birthday is here....but he's not.
Whew. I guess she's right.
Still, not much to say.
Spend a lot of days going through the motions again.
Wishing I could stop intrusive and morbid thoughts about Matthew from invading normal moments in my life.
Riding the roller coaster I feel like will never end.
Blissful with Luke and debilitatingly heartbroken at the same time.
Not at all how I'd like to be spending Matthew's third birthday.
Some birthday post, huh?
To me, though, every day is like his birthday was.
The best and worst day of my life.
|One of the happiest times in my life! A day to celebrate...|
|....What should have been|
|...But Never Was.|