Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Everything And Nothing.

I have everything to say and nothing to say all at the same time.

I looked back at the last birthday post for year ago today.

Heartbroken as I was, I was in such a different place.  A place of restored hope and belief that I was again happy on this earth and would get to be happy in Heaven too.

This year, his birthday has hit me much harder.

I've since lost another child.  That certainly colors my optimism of last year, I guess.

Last year, I was 50-50 for bringing home a baby to raise.

This year, I'm 1 for 3.

And done.  No more to come.

Why should that have anything to do with Matthew's birthday this year?

It shouldn't.

But I'd be lying if I said it didn't.

Two weeks ago, out of the blue, I was overcome with emotion.  Standing in church, singing a song I wasn't really even into, much less really moved by, and my mind wandered.

Wandered to the last breath that Matthew took.

What was that like? Was he scared?  Did he know?  Did it hurt? Did he know I wasn't with him?

Thankful that I did not have to be there to witness it.

Isn't that terrible?  I would have given anything in the world to hold that baby as he left this world...let him know his mama loved him and would be with him every second she could.

But I am so, so, SO thankful that I don't really know what that was like because I think I'd have committed suicide that night.  Truly.  The flashbacks and the PTSD I suffer from his birth and death are bad enough.

My greatest regret is not being able to get to the hospital and hold him, and yet, such a blessing to my mental health as well because there's no doubt in my mind I'd have made my last breath not too much longer after his.

I have not been sleeping for weeks.  I've been depressed.  My therapist said it stood to reason...these are pretty heavy-duty days.  My husband is leaving soon.  I should be in the throes of newborn-hood and instead am now mourning two boys and the knowledge that my child-bearing days are over.  I'm still regulating from high doses of hormones and Matthew's birthday is here....but he's not.

Whew.  I guess she's right.

Still, not much to say.
Spend a lot of days going through the motions again.
Wishing I could stop intrusive and morbid thoughts about Matthew from invading normal moments in my life.
Riding the roller coaster I feel like will never end.

Blissful with Luke and debilitatingly heartbroken at the same time.

Not at all how I'd like to be spending Matthew's third birthday.

Some birthday post, huh?

To me, though, every day is like his birthday was.

The best and worst day of my life.

One of the happiest times in my life!  A day to celebrate...

....What should have been

...But Never Was.


  1. Heartbroken with you today, friend. Happy Birthday Sweet Matthew <3

  2. Happy birthday Matthew. And hugs to you Lori. My heart aches for you.

  3. Sometimes they seem like such empty words, we say them so much, but I am just so sorry Lori. Much love to you.

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  5. sorry, was trying to send you hugs. Praying for you today.

  6. you are so loved my friend (((((hugs)))))

  7. Lori, I am sorry for your depression and I hope it will ease in the coming weeks. Having 2 missing birthdays this Fall was a lot to grieve. I always imagine grief has a high-walled passage that we can't go around, only through. May your heart find some moments of peace today.

  8. I was writing something about Isaiah a couple weeks ago, and I wrote the same words that you did on the last two pictures..... After reading this post, and having it end with those pictures, well, I'm almost not able to write anything. It's kind of like how we feel inside.... we know, but really there are no words.....

    Happy Birthday to your sweet Matthew.... just know that I will never forget your son, and you will be on my heart and in my prayers.....

    P.S. It was a beautiful birthday post!

  9. Love you. Happy birthday sweet Matthew.

  10. I can so relate to the things you have written here. My beloved daughter's second birthday is quickly approaching just after Christmas. Never in a million years would I have imagined this would happen. Nor did I imagine that I would have empty arms on her two year anniversary. I am so sorry for your losses.

  11. This was beautiful. I wish I could say more than "I understand". I lost two babies this year - one at 28 weeks, one at 7. I knew Christmas would be so hard, but had convinced myself that the holidays & her upcoming birthday (in March) would be easier if I were pregnant. My thoughts are with you & your family.

  12. A year ago was the best Christmas I had ever had in my life. We had our newly adopted son and he was super excited and made Christmas SO much fun. All 6 of us were blissful....then he died unexpectedly...and holidays are such a painful reminder that he's not here. Literally the only thing that keeps me going is giving to others..It channels all my pain toward the good of others. That is why we adopted again...I really think you have so much love and so much to offer children. I'll pray one day God has adoption for your family. So many little ones out there going to sleep with no mommy to hold them or love them and you are SO gifted with love and hospitality for children. Hugs to you and your family.

  13. I've read your blog for a long time...I found it through Deni...probably commented in the beginning, but just don't make the time to comment on anyone's blogs these days. I can't say that I understand what you have been through and continue to go through, because I don't. But, I do pray that God gives you at least a bit of peace during this very hard time. I know you don't always feel strong, but to me you are strong. Anyone who has gone through what you've gone through and is still standing has more strength than I've ever had to have. It encourages me when my faith is weak...which is more often than I care to admit.
    I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and your family.