Luke has been on this "Mommy Only" kick.
I can't lie; I don't mind it that much. I love when he wakes up in the middle of the night and mumbles, "Mama, Mama," and then goes right back to sleep. Daddy is getting a raw deal if honest, because Luke is not being as nice to him as he could...I told John it's a phase, and my time of wistfulness while he's all about Daddy will come.
Which leads me to those moments when my heart is so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for Luke...but mixed with aching and longing for what should have been.
I rocked Luke this evening, as normally I do, and as I started to sing, he started to say, "Night-night..." which is typically his cue to me that he's ready to go to his crib and go to sleep. Or at least have some "Luke time" and then go to sleep. So, I put him in bed, said my good-nights and left.
About thirty minutes later, he's still up, and he started to stand up and cry for me. I figured I might have better luck rocking him and singing when I went back in and I was right. He wanted Mama, but as I sat with him in and started to rock and sing, he started pulling out all his tricks to make me laugh...raising his eyebrows like Groucho Marx, laughing with squinty eyes and wide open mouth to make me giggle, and singing all his songs so I would sing with him. He started singing his ABCs, and then giggling to get me to join. Then he started to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star ("Inkle, Inkle") and of course, I sang with him. As he played with my face and was telling me where my nose and my eyes were, he started saying, "unshine? unshine?" and then started to hum the tune...hoping to get me to join.
I did. How could I not?
But I cried. As that sweet boy went all out to show me just how darned cute he was, I thought about how I should know what that joy feels like THREE times.
I should have experienced it with Matthew.
I should look forward to it with Trey.
I should get those sweet, priceless moments with THREE different baby boys and I only get it with one.
Which is one more than so many ever dream of...I know that.
The weight of what I miss with those boys sometimes screams at me the loudest in the quiet, dark, night time moments with Luke..moments when I realize how amazing it is to be able to have those big brown eyes look at me with nothing but pure love and innocence and how priceless those never-to-be-had moments with my other boys would be.
That weight crushes my soul sometimes.
Like right now.