Brave

So...I'm doing a new Bible study at our church. It's weird to say our church, because it WAS our church for years before we moved to Maryland and joined 'our' church. Since we've moved, we've left 'our' church, and have been re-attending 'our' church and will rejoin 'our' church in the next few weeks. Moral of that paragraph? We are blessed to have been and be part of amazing church families...in Maryland and in North Carolina. 'Our' church exists in a few states, and we are so grateful.

This study, Brave, by Angela Thomas, is AMAZING. Seriously. In the last two weeks I've been doing it, I really feel like God has been talking to me in some heavy-duty ways. I realized last week that I've been worn out...just exhausted...and it's been grief.

This week...discussing suffering thorns...yep, spoke volumes to me too. Mostly, the last part of the last day screamed at me: "What if our thorns are a part of God's perfect plan for me?" "Can we trust in God's perfect ways even though we bear thorns?"

The surface answer, for me, if I am honest, is, "Ummm...no. Had all that trust in you before, God, and look what happened." If I am honest, up until this last few weeks, my trust has been that no matter what the consequences of life are, I'll survive...and that God gives me the grace and mercy and ability to do so.

But trust God? Like, trust what He actually plans and does? Not so much.

Because sometimes, those things HURT. Unbearably. Who wants that? Who wants to trust in that happening? Easier to just trust that you survive life's events with His help.

But not per His plan. Because that would mean that His plan meant Matthew was going to die. Matthew was destined to die. He allowed me to suffer 11 years of infertility and then gave me a perfect and wonderful little boy who was DESTINED TO DIE.

I've struggled with that for one year, nine months and twenty-three days.

Still struggle.

But am giving it to God and telling Him, "Yes. I can trust you."

Which is something I've not been able to say in a long, long time.

There's a lot going on in our lives. Too much to write about and yet, I probably should because I'll want to remember. Or not.

Instead, here are some pictures of my sweet, sweet boy. He got bitten by a mosquito last week that literally had me in tears calling the doctor because after three days, he still looked horrible...it was his first black eye, because of a mosquito! We'll be addressing that with the doctor.

Within a minute of being bitten, he started to swell...about the size of a quarter! Then, over the next day, it turned into a shiner...this is him on the downside...

He also went on a small, but devastating to mama, nursing strike. We're working our way back to normal.

And that boy's eyes are BROWN. I love it. Both my boys have their mama's eyes.

He's always thinking!!!

Cookies are GOOD! (An organic vanilla teething biscuit...he LOVED IT!)

Cried when I took it!

Dixie came and made him feel better!

From our first playdate!! He wasn't sure of the swing!

Won our game Saturday, woohoo! (No, not WAHOO!)

Digs prunes too...thought he'd just suck it but he shoved the whole thing! I took it and broke it up, of course!

Getting some hair, finally! (LOVE that sweet swirl!!!)