Friday, June 3, 2011

One Step Forward...

...eight million back.
Or so it seems.

I've known a good cry was coming any day now. It's been at the surface for several weeks, with the move coming and so many things changing so quickly without giving me much time to breathe. I'll have little cries here and the car over a song (lately, Laura Story's "Blessings" comes on often and tears me up every.single.time.), or going through a bin of clothes that were Matthew's 6-9 months, or finding my journal of his pregnancy and remembering never being happier in my life than I was while pregnant with him.

Little cries as I realize that when we move, we leave the only home Matthew ever knew. The only place that was his. His room. His garden. His woods.

All his memories.

I know we'll be back.

It's just hard to leave. Harder to leave knowing that we are going to an environment that isn't Matthew's, but will be Luke's. I don't even know how to word that. At least here, nothing Luke can or will do is without Matthew as a small part...whether it's sleeping in his room with his furniture or one day playing on the zipline that John swears he is going to build in the backyard--I can still have my little piece of Matthew in all that his brother does.

Not in North Carolina. It will be all new...well, at least to Luke.
And without Matthew.

Before anybody starts preaching to me about how Luke cannot possibly be responsible for 'keeping his brother living,' please know that I realize that. I, more than anyone, want to make sure that Luke never, never lives in the shadow of his brother--but as an equally, though obviously differently loved little boy of mine. It sort of even gets at me when people note how much Luke looks like Matthew, and how great that must be for me because now I can have Matthew in Luke.

Nope, not really.

I want Matthew in Matthew.
Luke in Luke.
Separate, but both.

My heart just hurts so much right now. I'm sure that my emotions are exaggerated by the stress of getting ready to move with a lot of uncertainties up ahead, but today, and lately, my heart has been so, so heavy.

Heavy for other mothers I know (and some I don't, just know of) who have lost babies.
Heavy for Luke never getting to know his big brother, and probably never having a little brother or sister either.
Heavy for how I just cannot believe that 18 months have passed, and yet they seem to have literally flown.

When days dragged, and they did, cumulatively, they still just flew by. Now they don't drag and they fly even more quickly.

And every day, more of my life goes on, in what would 'seem' to be a pretty normally way (to someone who didn't know better), and it goes on without Matthew.

I couldn't even remember what his room looked like last night, because Luke's is so familiar and used to me. I had to look at pictures for the details I'd forgotten.

Ihad phantom kicks for months after Matthew was born...even in the early stages of Luke's pregnancy, when I *knew* it wasn't Luke.

I haven't had a single phantom kick in 5 months.

That's right...tomorrow, my Luke is 5 months old.

My prayer, every night, is that I am able to love him and raise him until my last breath.
I pray he has to bury John and me.

Because I'll be very heart aches so much right now missing Matthew, and it's been 18 months. It's like that can't-breathe-because-my-nose-is-so-stuffy-from-crying-so-much aching.

I know if something happened to Luke, I'd survive. Simply breathing every day as I have in the last 18 months is proof of that.

I just don't think I'd want to.

Missing my Matthew. Sometimes, Luke will look at me in a sweet, quiet little way and just smile with the most amazing smile. He looks right into my eyes, softly lifts his little hand to my face and sort of feels around and just smiles like I am the most amazing thing in the entire world. Like he *knows* my whole world revolves around him.

It's precious. John says Luke sure does make it easy to feel good about being his parents because he always (except for nights, lately, but that's another story!) seems to look at us with these looks that just ooze his love and gratitude. There's no doubt he knows we love him, and he loves us.

I just wish I'd had that with Matthew. Even if I didn't get to keep him...just to have that assurance that he knew how much he was loved.

Is loved.

He is so, so loved.


  1. This brings tears to my eyes. Hugs to you, my friend!

  2. You have been on my heart these past few days (well, always!), as I've thought about you packing up all those memories. I'm praying for you as you make this move and praying peace over your broken heart tonight. I love you!

  3. By the way, I also think about you every time I hear this Matthew West song (Strong Enough):

  4. Hi Lori !

    Oh moving is not easy !
    No doubt its so much harder for you now with all the memories you have made while living in this house .
    Those memories will always be in your heart no matter where you move .
    Thinking about you and sending you hugs and love !

  5. My heart hurts for/with you, sweet friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  6. Your words made me cry, I could have written the same thoughts. My heart hurts for you. Thinking lots and lots of positive thoughts for you.

  7. I can so remember these feelings you write about. We have now lived in 3 homes since our sweet little ones left this earth. All these memories without them. But my friend, I can tell you, this pain will ease (even though there are times that the guilt in me wants it to be as raw as it was in the beginning....weird). I do try to see little glimpses of them in Riley & Ella and now, it is comforting. but I can't dwell on it long...i have to allow it to fade back into my heart so I don't get consumed.

    But it is has almost been 10 years. Wow.

    (((hugs))) to you

  8. Oh Lori...I so completely get where you are coming from. And my heart aches along side you dear friend!!

    I know how hard it is to move to a new place and know the memories and dreams and hopes of both your children will never be the same.
    When we moved to our new house it was hard. At least the old house had the presence of both Zac and Evan within me for those months, and even though Zac never came home with us...I still had the memories of moments of both of my boys growing inside me.
    Moving to a new house almost felt like a betrayal, and I really struggled for a long time. But now...I know Zac is as close to me here. And I pray that you always feel the presence of Matthew wherever you go.
    It must be so much harder because you also leave his burial place...and I pray that you have special people who will continue to go and visit his site.

    You have been on my mind greatly, and I will be praying for you like crazy.

    Lots of prayers and Love,
    Heather (heathershope - HP / GOL)

  9. sending love across the miles and wishing you feel His peace, Lori. ((big, big hugs)). it was hard leaving "Calvin and Rainbow's apartment"; I just had to keep reminding myself that I take them with me wherever I go. As it is with Matthew.

  10. Hi Lori,
    So glad I found your blog. I've been wondering how you've been doing. My heart aches for you and your loss of dear Matthew. I wish I knew why God calls us to go through this pain. My prayers are with you.
    Janet aka dayzeegirrl <3

  11. ((Huge Hugs)) Matthew did and does know how much you love him!

  12. The day we move from our apt to a house will be a very emotional and bittersweet day. This is the only home Lilly ever knew on this earth. My heart goes out to you my friend. <3hugs<3

  13. Sweet Lori, you are in my prayers. My husband often talks about moving, but I feel sort of anchored here. I can't imagine leaving where my babies are buried (just about 3 miles from my house) You are such a good mama to Matthew and Luke and do such a good job of explaining how complex the love of a loss mom is. We love our babies that are with us as much, but differently as the ones who aren't. Big hugs!!!