Or...1 year, 4 months, 2 hours, 24 minutes, 29 seconds
Spending the morning with a friend as we gush over Luke...with fewer tears from me as Matthew is mentioned?
Buying a Little Brother shirt more because it's just cute (and great colors for Luke!) and less to remind the world that someone precious came before him?
Is this where Matthew's life begins to become a heartbreaking part of the book...but several chapters back?
It's at least where the guilt of all of that being true weighs on me.
I miss that boy. As I type, I am crying. Can't-swallow-kind-of-crying. Wow-it's-been-a-long-time-kind-of-crying....
But it's not just in missing him. It's in feeling like he is slipping away from me.
I know it's inevitable. It's not supposed to dominate my life. It's SUPPOSED to be something that I acclimate to (which is so unnatural) and learn to accept and still be able to enjoy life and the blessings I've been given since.
It just hurts when he feels so far away. And more people on the internet remember him today than his own mother does. Is it missing him that hurts me so much right now or the guilt in living life to the fullest I can without him?
Either way...it hurts.
There are two sites I want to share for anyone interested. One is the blog of a man I came across through a FB post--I cried and cried and cried when reading his little one's story...and want to share his blog as those who decide to follow him will help to bring about donations for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...such a worthy, worthy, PRECIOUS ministry. Please go there and if nothing else, just follow to help NILMDTS. I know I'd be lost without our pictures and are so grateful for our sweet Maureen.
The other site is Jenni Saake's Hannah's Hope site--Hannah's Prayer is sponsoring retreats for those who deal/have dealt with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The information for those retreats can be found here. I know I wish I was closer to either!!!
Missing you, my sweet Matthew. Not sure how Heaven works, but pray that you know you are so, so loved and missed, even if Mommy sometimes just forgets how much.