Monday, March 28, 2011

Missing My Matthew....

...which is not new, just especially heavy on my heart today. It's a 28th...and I didn't even think anything of it until I saw several posts on FB sending me love.

Is that how it starts?

No longer looking at a date on a calendar (without being reminded) and getting that sick feeling in my stomach as I calculate how long it's been without him?
485 days, 2 hours, 24 minutes and 29 seconds

Or...1 year, 4 months, 2 hours, 24 minutes, 29 seconds

Spending the morning with a friend as we gush over Luke...with fewer tears from me as Matthew is mentioned?

Buying a Little Brother shirt more because it's just cute (and great colors for Luke!) and less to remind the world that someone precious came before him?

Is this where Matthew's life begins to become a heartbreaking part of the book...but several chapters back?

It's at least where the guilt of all of that being true weighs on me.

I miss that boy. As I type, I am crying. Can't-swallow-kind-of-crying. Wow-it's-been-a-long-time-kind-of-crying....

But it's not just in missing him. It's in feeling like he is slipping away from me.

I know it's inevitable. It's not supposed to dominate my life. It's SUPPOSED to be something that I acclimate to (which is so unnatural) and learn to accept and still be able to enjoy life and the blessings I've been given since.

It just hurts when he feels so far away. And more people on the internet remember him today than his own mother does. Is it missing him that hurts me so much right now or the guilt in living life to the fullest I can without him?

Either hurts.

There are two sites I want to share for anyone interested. One is the blog of a man I came across through a FB post--I cried and cried and cried when reading his little one's story...and want to share his blog as those who decide to follow him will help to bring about donations for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...such a worthy, worthy, PRECIOUS ministry. Please go there and if nothing else, just follow to help NILMDTS. I know I'd be lost without our pictures and are so grateful for our sweet Maureen.

The other site is Jenni Saake's Hannah's Hope site--Hannah's Prayer is sponsoring retreats for those who deal/have dealt with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. The information for those retreats can be found here. I know I wish I was closer to either!!!

Missing you, my sweet Matthew. Not sure how Heaven works, but pray that you know you are so, so loved and missed, even if Mommy sometimes just forgets how much.

"For this child, I prayed..."


  1. Sending you big hugs, my friend. These moments are all too familiar. I hate everything about these moments. I hate the feeling that she is slipping away. Again. I already had the slipping/slipped away feeling...when she died. Some days it's almost like reliving that part. I hate feeling like I'm going to forget. I know that I never will, but sometimes it feels that way.

  2. Sending you love and BIGS HUGS. So sorry your heart is hurting.

  3. (((HUGS)))

    Oh Lori, I sooooo feel your pain. All too well.
    Yet, losing one twin...not a second goes by when I don't see Zac in Evan's face...and I know it's the same for you with Luke and Matthew.

    You are not forgetting. You are not leaving him behind. He is moving forward with you closely in your heart...and cheering so loudly from heaven above that you are finding such joy and love with his little brother.

    You will never forget Matthew. He will never be left behind. He is a tightly woven part of who you are.
    WE will never forget our children gone far too soon. It's not possible.
    It's just that somehow life becomes more durable. God gives us the strength because He is the one carrying us through.

    Praying for you my dear friend!

    Heather (heathershope - HP / GOL)

  4. I went through similiar feelings just the other day and blogged about them. It's not that we haven't taken notice of the dates or such, it is more that we are allowing ourselves to heal a bit from the pain. We have taught ourselves how to live here on Earth while our babies are in Heaven.
    Thinking of you and praying!!

  5. It's sad isn't it that healing hurts sometimes.

    Kathy W

  6. Oh Lori, I know how you feel.

    I remember in the early days being told over and over again that it gets easier. That the earliest days are the hardest. That the pain wouldn't always feel so raw. I told every single one of them I didn't want the pain to go away, because as long as the pain was real, I knew she was real, too. And now I am finding those people were correct. The pain isn't as raw, at least not most days. And some days I do feel as though she wasn't real - I have to remind myself that she was/is very real. And I hate that I feel that way at times. I hate that it seems so long ago and far away that it almost doesn't feel like my life some days.


  7. Even though we lost Rip only five months ago, I already find myself forgetting things like dates more often, I agree that healing can be the hardest part of grieving. I find myself blogging more about the letting go these days and even though it helps to vent it doesn't make it much easier does it? Thinking of you today!

  8. Hi Lori, I am just now finding your blog through the rainbow mommies group and I just want to say it is absoultely beautiful. You are one strong mama. We all are. I have been feeling quite achey for my sweet Naomi, probably more so, because her 2nd birthday is around the corner, on the 27th next month. I have the saem feeligns you do. It just pains me, how many mommies and blogs I haev come across since my loss, and continue to. How all of us share such a pain, no mother, no family, should have to endure. Yet we all have come together to help and support each other from afar. You are so beautiful. And I am so sorry for the loss of your Matthew.(I am Naomi Hope's and Sadie Marie's mommy) (Jill on FB!)

  9. We can't win with grief in any of its stages, huh? I don't think Matthew could ever be "several chapters back." While his own may not dominate every day, it's never any less important or relevant to your family. And I think, at least for those who know your family through your blog, it's impossible to think of Luke without thinking of Matthew, and vice versa. Obviously he's not where you want him to be, but I don't like the term "slipping away." More chapters are always being added to the story, but he'll never not have a role. Hoping that as Luke grows and comes to know his big brother, you'll be reassured at just how much Matthew has NOT slipped away and maybe you could feel even closer to him than you do now? Sharing him with Luke will make him so much a part of your present and future...there will be one more person who loves him and speaks of him and thinks of him.

  10. The sacred dance of grief and joy is a mysterious thing...

    And, mommy guilt...well, we seem to have it whether our children are with us on earth or in heaven.

    Praying for you as you miss your precious Matthew and soak in the joy of sweet Luke.

  11. I Know, Lori. The fear of forgetting them....feeling so far each day passes even more. I read on someone's blog somewhere when I was feeling this a while back that as each day passes, we are a day closer to being with them again. Somehow that thought provided me comfort. I hope maybe it does you, too. Such a painful part of this loss. Your Luke is there to help you, too. Sending hugs, sweet girl. Warm hugs...

  12. Dear Lori - you'll never forget Matthew as you think of him each and every single day. Perhaps having a painful anniversary slip your mind allows you to focus on the happier memories. A wise woman once told me to stop feeling guilty, as God doesn't want us to feel guilty...wise words.

  13. On more than 1 occasion I've had other people remind me that it was the 28th. Then I'm like, crap, it is! How come I didn't realize it! Time just gets away from us.