Sixteen Whole Days!

On one hand, that seems like a long time!! Luke's already 2 weeks and 2 days!

On the other... S*I*X*T*E*E*N D*A*Y*S! Holy cow, he's so little!

He is still little. We saw the pediatrician on Tuesday for his two week check-up. He was about an ounce and a half shy of his birth weight, so we were ordered to eat more, eat more often and bulk up. In consulting several people, including lots of lactation consultants and moms who exclusively breast fed, Luke's fine. Neither John nor I are big people and long and lean may just be the way he rolls. In fact, he already gained 3/4 an inch in length in two weeks!! His legs are VERY long and his fingers and arms are super long too. I think growth curves are curves for a reason--and not everyone falls right in the middle.

Of course, I'd rather have heard, "Super. Don't change a thing!" but since I didn't, we saw another lactation consultant today. All is fine, we just need him to stay awake longer than 5 minutes and eat more often. He'd go 5, maybe even 6 hours if I *let* him between feedings...which sounds nice in theory for sleeping at night, but I'm constantly waiting to hear him stir or waking him up to make sure he's eating ok that I don't really sleep anyway.

We'll try to eat a bit more often, pump to be sure we make enough, and supplement if we have to--feeding the baby being the first and most important concept. He's doing all the right things with regard to diapers and such; he's just sleepy (still working on the jaundice) and a bit lazy and mostly, a nibbler like his mommy. Daddy is very, very worried about this since my motto is Eat To Live and his is Live To Eat....I'm sure Luke will be fine, as he was ALL ABOUT food in utero!

He is so sweet...so mellow! He still hardly ever fusses, and even when he does, it's not much of anything and usually only with a diaper change or changing clothes. He still has what we are calling 'conversations' with those we don't see. Again, not sure of the theology, but I am just not having any doubts that he's 'interacting' with his angel (Matthew 18:10) and even his cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1), which I know include his brother, grandmas and granddads and I always tell him to make sure they know we love them and miss them still so much. I don't even know how to explain it, but it makes my heart swell every time I see him do this.

The days are still bittersweet. Grief doesn't end because amazing joy begins. They coexist and can really tear one up.

I just love him so much. SO.MUCH.

But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being scared. I told John that I sort of feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...which, if you know me in real life, you know is how I sort of have always lived.

The thing is, Matthew dying WAS the other shoe dropping. There's a big difference between *waiting* for it to drop and actually knowing what it feels like when it drops. Once you know, the fear of it dropping again seems to be magnified about a million times.

Or it seems like it to me.

I know what it feels like to lose a baby. I know what it feels like to not be able to hold him and tell him he'll be ok and to mean it. I know what it's like to ache for the feel of a sweet little newborn in my arms.

It's the most horrendous pain I pray I will ever have to know. Knowing how THAT is, I am just paralyzed with fear sometimes because I can only imagine the intensity of pain should something happen to Luke. I don't know how to word it without sounding like I would miss Luke more because I've held him and 'know' things I never got to 'know' with Matthew....that's SO not the case. It's just now that he's here...and is so full of promise and hope and restoration, I'm terrified to lose that TOO.

It's such a hard thing to describe or explain. In any event, I just pray daily for the ability to just enjoy every moment without apprehension. Okay, I realize that is NOT going to happen, so I actually just pray for the ability to enjoy as many moments as I can without apprehension.

There are so many sweet ones. I'm grateful.

At two weeks:

Luke is still AMAZINGLY strong! He was lifting his head and neck and turning the afternoon he was born and we were all surprised. He only continues to get stronger...he is also sort of rolling to his side, which worries me a hair since he's strong, but not strong enough to pull himself back!

We are working on more feeding...although Grandma called today and told me that his Granddad at 5 weeks was the same way--noted to be needing more nutrition and to be fed every three hours with complementary milk...just like the lactation lady said Luke was like this morning! So...it's not just mommy's nibbler appetite that affects his eating!

He still smiles a lot...and sneezes a lot...and has the hiccups a lot. He does NOT fuss a lot, spit-up a lot or have many blow-outs. He's just such a good, sweet spirited little one.

I know I use it a lot, but don't think this word can be overused:

Grateful.

A few pictures...blogger is driving me nuts with uploading. Someone commented about a better way to upload? Can you recomment and help??!!