I mentioned last week that I thought it might be time for all of us--mainly me, I guess--to be able to sleep some. I love having him right beside me, and I love having him so close to me, but boy, Luke SURE IS NOISY! He is such a loud little guy when sleeping, or trying to fall asleep, or just naturally stirring...and I have been on hyper-alert to every single noise he makes for the last 13 weeks...Even if he sleeps for a little longer stretch, I don't.
And that's just not good for any of us.
So, I told John I thought we should think about it and before I could blink, Daddy had broken down the bassinet, brought the diaper changing station into Luke's room, and basically cleaned out any evidence of Luke living in our room for the last 13 weeks.
I have been telling Luke all week that I know Daddy loves him, despite the fact that he evacuated him out of our room and into his so darned quickly!!!
Last night was night 5. The first night Luke went for about 4 hours before me going in and feeding him and then again another 4 hours. Not bad. The 2nd night was not so great. The third night was AWESOME! He went to sleep for good at 10:45, woke up at 3:35--fussed for about 5 minutes, went BACK TO SLEEP and I didn't have to get him up and feed him until 5:50!!! He went for SEVEN hours without wanting to eat!!!
The fourth night wasn't as great, but still ok--about 5 hours was his long stretch, and I took it!
Ouch. He was inconsolable all night. I was up with him about 15 different times. Not hungry. Not wet/dirty. Just tired and not wanting to sleep for any longer than an hour max.
Needless to say, this morning, he fed at 4:30, and then again at 7:30 and after that 7:30 feeding, I swaddled him, took him into my room with me and we SLEPT for about 2 and a half more hours. Well, he did. I dozed. My main concern was just making sure he had some sleep. Poor guy. He has been his usual happy and jolly self today, so I'm praying last night was a fluke and tonight will be better.
It's not been as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I am slowly acclimating to the fact that he is getting bigger...whether or not I want time to freeze!
According to our measurements (he gets a shot tomorrow at the doctor's, and there will be official measurements there), he is 12 lbs., 2.5 oz. which puts him in the 20th percentile for weight. He was 23.75 inches, which is the 36th percentile for length and his head circumference was 15.75 in., which puts him in the 16th percentile. Not bad for a boy who 3 months ago wasn't even CLOSE to being on any charts! He has definitely grown, and is still going, going, going! Daddy even said he had 'cankles' and he does. Far, far cry from my baby bird! Even though he's gotten so much bigger, when people see him, they always say, "Oooohhhh, a brand new one! He's so little!"
I just laugh and say, "You should have seen him when!" His last visit to the doctor was March 8, and he was 9 lbs., 6 oz. So, considering he's gained 3 pounds in one month and 5 days, I'm cool with the progress!
He is cooing a lot...he even has little squeals of delight, but still no giggling. I feel it coming, though! He went on his first walk outside in the stroller where he was AWAKE, and he seemed to quite enjoy it. I'm looking forward to the great weather and fun stuff to do in it coming up!
He had his first international phone call to our awesome New Zealand relatives via Skype and he was fixated with the screen! (Much as I hate it, he sure does like tv when he gets the chance to watch it. I try not to let him, but he sneaks it in whenever he can!)
He is still gumming with his little fists and I'd swear he was teething, but his gums don't seem to show evidence of that. He CONSTANTLY keeps his fists clenched, and I know if he'd just open his fists, he'd get that thumb in and suck and he'd be sold. Instead, we are still on his paci, though he's not really very dependent upon it. Mostly when he's tired, which is about the only time he really fusses anyway. He's still so mellow and content, even though he is starting to come into his own.
His favorite thing is his little light toy from his play mat. He coos and smiles at that thing for the longest time! It's adorable and I know this is probably where these first giggles I am coveting will come from!
As usual, we are just filled with so much joy having him in our lives. He is precious and we are so blessed. I get overwhelmed some days with just how far we've come. My counselor asked me how my birthday was and I told her it was so-so...we then talked about typical marriage stuff--male/female differences, etc. and she gave me a really strong insight into just how much 'progress' in our healing we have made: A year ago, on my birthday, I was consumed. I was doing our frozen transfer with our little Yellow Fish and John was gone. In spite of being hopeful for successful transfer, I was so overwhelmed with grief and missing Matthew.
This year, I had the 'luxury' of being annoyed with 'normal' things...John being gone on my birthday (again, ha ha!)...him not taking the recycling out when he said he would, not fitting into pre-pregnancy clothes the right way, even though I've lost all my weight...just common, every day things.
Imagine that...fretting over those things being a luxury. But she was right...I'm not consumed anymore. Normal, every day things are more what take place in my daily thought process. Intense and raw grief hurts, so I am grateful for the luxury of having less of that and more routine thoughts.
As always, though, crying on my way home from the post office this afternoon, I'm reminded that I am always remembering Matthew. Hearing Steven Curtis Chapman sing those very words just brought it right back out to the forefront.
Remembering still hurts. Some days it is just less sharp than others.
Here are pictures of my sweet boy from this week. I say thank you to God multiple times a day for the blessing I have in Luke. I just love him so much.
"Really? You mean one day some woman is going to make me pick up my dirty clothes? But daddy doesn't have to...."
"My mom is going to use this for blackmail one day, isn't she?"
"Well, I'm not very happy about that!"