Road Tripping!

Luke's 19th week has been busy, busy, busy! We are (in theory) getting ready for the move. I say in theory because I plan a million things each night as I go to sleep and the next day, they all seem to just end up on the list for the following day's agenda.

I guess I'll be ready, whether or not I'm ready, right? John's favorite motto is "If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do," and that seems to be how I am approaching this move.

That said, I also just seem to not have enough time. And time with Luke wins every tug.

He had his 4 month checkup Friday. Dr. Sheth walked in as I was letting Luke 'stand' on the table. That's one of his favorite things--us holding his hands and him standing. He is so strong. The doctor laughed and said, "Oh, no, no, no...you do not want to teach him that!" At first, I thought he was serious--that there was some medical reasoning. He then went on to say that the brain imprints every single thing--every head wobble, foot placement, etc., that Luke is making, his brain is coding for acclimation into 'normal' day-to-day. Even though it sounds silly that a 4 month old is 'learning' to stand/walk, that's essentially what it is. I asked what the problem with that was and he said, "Oh nothing...but boy are you in trouble when he walks!" He continued by telling me that he could see just from how strong Luke was standing and how his head/neck control was that he wouldn't be surprised if Luke was walking at 8 or 9 months! YIKES. I was walking at 8 1/2 months...my mom said I didn't crawl very much, maybe a few weeks, then crawled under a table and walked out.

I just can't believe that. Seriously. Walking in a few months? No way.

We're not even rolling! Sure are trying, though. For a few days, he was entirely on his stomach, save his arm--if he'd just pull that out from under him, he'd be there. I have a feeling it is only a matter of a few more days before he's going back and forth pretty easily. He is all over his playmat and crib, but we've been traveling and he hasn't had as much practice lately. The doctor and I also talked about tummy time. He did a few things and then told me not to worry about it so much...Luke was obviously strong, would use his arms for what he wanted to use, and that I could just try and give him a couple minutes here and there if it made me feel better, but that he wasn't worried about it at all. I'm going to really, really miss his doctor! (Not the wait time, though!!! THREE hours...for an appointment I made two months ago.)

He was 13 lbs., 12 oz., though the scale kept wobbling between that and 14 lbs. I think he leaned heavier, based on our weigh-ins at home, but it doesn't matter. He is healthy and happy, so I'm fine. With a length of 24.75 inches and head circumference of 16 inches (longer, leaner and smaller head--very much like his daddy!), the doctor said he was just perfect. He did fine with his shot (Pentacil) because he was asleep. He woke up because of it, but then got an oral vaccine that must have tasted sweet because he didn't even cry over the shot--went straight to sucking that syrup as fast as he could! This boy loves the sweet stuff, for sure!

We went on a road trip this weekend! With our good friends Craig and Shelby, and some of their family, we celebrated their twin boys' 2nd birthday at Sesame Place! Of course Luke won't remember it, but we had a good time and he'll have lots of 'memories' in pictures! He had lots of firsts--first time in a swimming pool (loved it!), first shower with daddy (loved it!), first beer.

First beer? Yes. We all went to dinner and the wait time was crazy. Luke was in his carrier and we were all sort of trying to stand out of the way (not a lot of room in the front of the restaurant for waiting). We were all halfway in the entrance/bar area and all of a sudden, one of the boys (who was being held in his daddy's arms) accidentally knocked a glass of beer off of the bar--right onto Luke! The glass broke, beer and glass splattered, and poor little Luke was a little surprised, to say the least. Thankfully, he was fine--his toe got cut a teeny bit and he smelled like he'd been out carousing the brothels, but it could have been a lot, lot worse. Lesson learned? Might be best just to hold him if we are ever in a situation like that again.

Speaking of holding...he has decided that my arms are the best place for naps, for real. He'll 'nap' in his crib for maybe 30-40 minutes at a time, if I am lucky. In my arms? 2 hours or more. Morning naps are really iffy these days, and so to compensate, I pretty much plop myself

on the sofa with the phone, a drink and the remote control and we 'rest' for a good bit in the afternoon. I want to be sure he gets enough sleep in the daytime.

Nothing gets done and I don't care. If he'd let me, I'd sit on the sofa holding him for several hours every day until he was 34.

One of the BEST parts of our trip was meeting our friend Katy and her sweet Bobby and Ellie. Katy and I have decided that at just two weeks apart, Ellie and Luke are destined for each other! I loved, loved, loved actually 'meeting' Katy and wish we'd had more time! There will be lots of sweet pictures of the babies together, as well as our Sesame Place adventure, but will have to wait until tomorrow. Luke woke up at 5 for a feeding, and I figured if I didn't get this written after he was done and back asleep, there's no telling when I would...but as it is now 6:15, John is getting ready for work and I am going to try to get another hour or so before the Lukester is back up. My insomnia is awful these days--as tired as I am, my mind just WILL NOT TURN OFF and so I'm glad Luke will go right back to sleep, but I sure don't. Probably because I'm thinking of the one million and eight things I need to do.

Too bad my brain won't subscribe to the 'Wait until the last minute' theory!

Here are a few pictures of Luke from this week...

Throwing the ball for the dogs...he likes hanging with Daddy!

Daddy and his Mini-Me

Assuming nap position....

Dixie is glad to watch Luke...and keep his feet clean!

So much to do...

I have been meaning and meaning and MEANING to take pictures of things that have been sent to us...things for us, things remembering Matthew and sweet little things for Luke. I've also wanted to take pictures of things we've bought for Luke so he knows how I am looking forward to seeing him in and use things we've gotten just for him.

I've been meaning to write about the Women of Faith conference.

I've been meaning to post the cruise pictures.

I need to post a picture for this week.

I need to do about a million things.

Obviously,

I'm behind in things I want to be done.

But, as I told John the other day (as he is feeling very, very much the same way), there's really nothing that can't be put off for a hair longer and if it means that putting it off gives him a few minutes of sanity, he needs to do so.

Of course, putting it off just gives me so much more anxiety (and it does him too) that that's not really feasible for either of us to actually do happily (put stuff off) but at least saying it makes us feel like it's an option.

*An aside bonus was that I was telling this to John the other day in counseling...that he needed to just let things sit a bit if he needed them to so that he could relax and take care of himself and my counselor said she couldn't believe that those words were coming out of my GAD/OCD mouth. Then again, do as I say, not as I do mentality could certainly explain that!*

So anyway, as a compromise, I am going to post the Bermuda pictures so that's one thing off my list (though not in the order I wanted things done!) and I can move on to others that are more tangible in the house. Like make vacuum lines. Yesterday the kitchen got the 'toothbrush and baking soda' deep cleaning treatment and today is swapping out summer/winter clothes. Oh, and eating chocolate-covered strawberries. John secretly (or not so) thinks this is Luke telling me he likes chocolate like his brother. I don't want to burst his bubble, but even though I've never liked chocolate much, I have always liked chocolate-covered strawberries because I like strawberries so much.

But this is when Matthew started to really let me know he loved chocolate, so who knows?

First, me at 22w1d (and of course, Dixie!):

She loves giving kisses. I love that I still have ankles!

We always take Matthew's Lovey with us....

Waiting for our room to be ready!

The obligatory 1st (of many) self-portraits as we waited!

John playing at Horseshoe Bay with his camera!

The water and beach were amazing!

One of us doesn't like to put on sunscreen. Can you tell which one?

Loving the pool!

Water's a bit too cold for me (and Luke) still!

This water was WAY warmer, but still chilly just getting in!

We LOVED this day!!!!

John getting ready to go Dorkeling....

He lives to do this!

We got a rainstorm, but it was ok because we just covered our stuff and hung out in the water. It was like being in a big, beautiful hot tub!

There were some really neat little caves and alcoves at Horseshoe Bay!

This was in one of the sort-of caves!

It started to *really* rain while John was dorkeling and he came back to me hiding out under the umbrella...Thankfully he angled it better so I didn't have to keep holding it!

John was supposed to *warn* me about waves because I was wearing my contacts. This is how he warned me. He'd take a picture like this, and then he'd say, "Big one." Thanks.

Always, always, always in our hearts and on our minds.

As we were leaving the port at St. George's....cute, cute little town and check out the rain we missed!

On the ferry back to the ship!

It was SO windy!

Vacation took its toll on poor John!

Big difference in me in this suit at 21 weeks...

...and me at 11 weeks!

Our tablemates...all from Baltimore and a lot of fun. They found us entertaining as one of them said she'd like to turn a video on of me and John and then she'd sell it and be a millionaire. Not sure what to make of that...

World Travels at 21 Weeks!

Okay...so not necessarily the world, but Luke was in international waters, traveled to a place for which his mommy and daddy needed passports stamped and enjoyed every bit of the non-stop food opportunities that accompany a cruise. In fact, he quite enjoyed eating about every hour and a half!

I didn't write much on the trip...really only the first day because we were busy enjoying ourselves. Which of course means that I have a million things in my head that I want to get out for Luke to know and will just have to probably do in stages. This was what I wrote from our first full day:

In these last few months, I *thought* I had been out and about--dealing with 'those' questions and fairly effectively, at that.

Ummm, no.

Nothing like a cruise ship full of strangers who come to be new BFFs with all their shipmates to give me some perspective.

"When are you due?"

"Is this your first?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

Peppered with the appropriate consolation looks, of course, and then depending on where you are or with whom you're speaking, awkward silence or continued conversation. Awkward silence in the elevator; continued (and kind and compassionate) conversation at breakfast or dinner.

Sometimes, it's as easy as, "You look really nice pregnant. Some people these days look so..." and the words are mumbled by the little old ladies making the statement but not wanting to essentially say they think there are some pregnant ladies wearing things they find inappropriate.

Or, my reply of, "No, he's our second," followed by, "Oh, how wonderful! Congratulations!"

Others--more difficult. "No, he's our second," followed by, "Oh, how wonderful! How old's your first?" or "Oh, but look at you now...you look great and you'll have a healthy baby this time." (One of these days, I'll have the courage to say, "My son WAS healthy. Perfectly beautiful and healthy. Which makes it all the more tragic, doesn't it?" Or, when someone tells me, "Everything happens for a reason," I will be able to respond with, "So...what do you think the reason my baby died was?")

Of course, their comments are well-intentioned, but so indicative of most people's inclination to see a smile and believe all is well. I don't blame them. I'd like to look in the mirror and smile and believe I have the perfect life...great husband, family, friends, home, comforts, new baby on the way and celebrating with a lovely cruise.

But as I told John yesterday, as nice as this vacation is--and it IS NICE!--I'd rather be at home trying a new food with Matthew or trying to get a stain out of his cloth diaper.

John said, "That's a given."

So, when it's a given that your reality is not what you thought it would be, you adjust.

I'm reading Pete Wilson's Plan B: What to Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Think He Should.

Great title. Very appropriate. And, I have to say, even just starting the book, I hope at some point he notes that when it's too late for God to show up the way you think He should (like your child is dead and not coming back), it's never too late to realize He's always showing up the way He's going to show up and there are blessings in that.

It takes some time to see them (and will probably continue to take the rest of my life), but that's where people get the idea that time heals. Time doesn't heal. Time is just God's way of helping you acclimate to the way it will be, the Plan B, if you will. (My apologies to Pete Wilson if that's what he says somewhere in his book. If he does, I concur.)

************************

We really had a lovely time, and I have lots of pictures for Luke to have. I'll post them soon. For now, the update on Luke is pretty benign. We didn't see any doctors this week. This was the first week since April (save our 2ww) that I have gone without seeing a doctor for Luke. Weird. He's doing well, though, and loving his food. He wiggles a lot when I am hungry and he wiggles a lot right after I've eaten. I measured my waist before we left and I was 35 inches (so a gain of 5 inches since 8 weeks) and I weighed myself when we got home today and was 109.2! So...that's a net gain of 9.2 pounds. Not too bad for 21 weeks, and pretty funny how quickly it is adding on! I'm going to have to pull my pillow out because those places in my back that were so uncomfortable with Matthew are rearing their heads again. I'm also going to talk to Dr. Polko on Monday about my breathing and what I am calling stomach shocks. I am having a really, really difficult time getting full breaths (and it's not my asthma) and there are times when I move (not even really doing anything special) and it feels like someone is electrocuting my stomach. My guess is that it's just nerves that I am hitting the wrong way, but I never, ever, ever felt anything like that with Matthew, so I'd rather be safe than sorry. My scar is also getting bigger and puffier and tougher, so Dr. Shonekan told me to rub bio-oil in it often because there's really not much to do...for that or for the rib/ab muscle pain. Every time I see her, she always looks so sweetly at me and reminds me that getting pregnant as quickly as we did after what happened was bound to bring these things on, and we're so grateful for Luke that we of course will deal with anything, but it's nice to have your doctor feel sorry for you because she understands that though you are carrying a miraculous little blessing, it's still hard.

Sometimes I think people forget that...pregnancy is hard. It doesn't mean I am not grateful or would trade it for anything; it means that I'm human and no one enjoys being in pain, so having compassionate doctors that let you know that even though there's nothing really they can do but to tell you that you'll have to suck it up, at least they feel sorry for you in telling you that.

Here are two 21 weeks pictures:

Luke Enjoying a Fruity Drink...

...And More Food!! Hooray!

Here's the update on Luke's growth:

Week Twenty One: Nourishment evolves

You are 21 weeks pregnant. (fetal age 19 weeks) Length is now measured crown to heel. The fetus has grown to 10.5 inches (27 cm) - 12.7 ounces (360 grams). It is now gaining weight steadily, with fat being added to the body. Bone marrow has started making blood cells. Their small intestine is starting to absorb sugars. Your baby's bone marrow has started making blood cells, a job done by the liver and spleen until this point. The placenta has provided nearly all of your baby's nourishment, now your baby will begin to absorb small amounts of sugar from swallowed amniotic fluid. Based on the size of baby's head, which is about 2 inches (5cm), the date of birth can be determined to within one week. The fetus is steadily gaining fat and has grown a whitish coat of a slick, fatty substance to protect skin in amniotic fluid and to ease delivery. In girls, the vagina is formed and the ovaries already contain over six million eggs which will be reduced to about 400 by the time of puberty. For boys, the testes begin to descend from the abdomen this week. (Boys don't produce sperm until puberty). The baby can hear and recognize the mother's voice, and may respond to some types of music.

So if a 'Babymoon' is a last hurrah vacation you go on with a baby bump before the baby is born...

What is the time away you take with your significant other after the baby dies? I know many do, and somehow...the word vacation does not seem appropriate.

More, what is a 'Babymoon' called when it's still somewhat freshly after your first child died but not too long before your second child is born?

Whatever it's called, we're doing it tomorrow. After Matthew died, we couldn't really do much in the way of 'getting away' together because of surgery recovery, the holidays, and sort of just gearing up for another IVF cycle. Then we were in the throes of a frozen transfer, and then a fresh cycle...and then early stages of pregnancy and John in a new, very busy position...there really has not been much opportunity to 'relax'...at least for John.

And he really needs it. He's been mega-busy with work (which he actually enjoys), has had all the bills and money responsibilities, 18 different home projects, a pregnant wife and all the terror that just normally goes with that, and oh, yeah...he's still grieving his precious first-born son and carrying Matthew's last breath with him everywhere he goes.

So, yeah...when John (who normally is Adventure-Man on vacations--makes me tired just THINKING of his itineraries!) says to me, "I think I need a cruise or something that will force me to just relax and do nothing," I know he means it and we need to do that. He'd not say so otherwise.

And we are. Tomorrow. We are boarding our boat and heading for Bermuda. It's a short trip, 5 nights, and I will probably not access the internet while we are gone. (Weird, but honestly, he's been on leave for the last week and I haven't much anyway because we've been busy, so I already feel sort of behind on things and have still survived!)

Luke will, of course, be a stow-away. There are a lot of things we did while I was pregnant with Matthew, and I'm glad I can say I did them with him. He did not get to leave the country, but his brother will.

I pray that's one of the first of many, many, many more things we are able to do with Luke that we wish we could've done with Matthew.

Bon Voyage!

Patience is a virtue...

Well, it seems as if we probably won't be starting our 'official' wait until after July 15. The only things missing from our file for the home study are the training certificates. We did all our training online, and the certificates haven't come yet and may not be here for another 2-4 weeks. That's NUTS! I didn't realize that would be the case, otherwise, we would have probably done something else. In any event, our social worker, who again I have to reiterate is WONDERFUL, goes on family vacation and won't return until the 28th of May. Even if the certificates come (or I can get them faxed, which may be an option) and the home study is done, we will very likely not get the I600 approval until after June 15--and that's when I leave the country for a month. I guess at this point, my hope is that I can get all other dossier documents (pretty much done) to Ally and have her check them so I can at least get them all authenticated before I leave (remember, I live in the fabulous state of Maryland, where we have an EXTRA step in our Authentication Process) and then have them ready to turn in the second I get back into the country--July 16. The USCIS paperwork should certainly have plenty of time then, as I've heard it can take up to a month (though Betty told me it was averaging a week to two, once home studies were sent in) but I hate having something so important coming in the mail when my mail is going to be put on HOLD for such a long time. Oh well, guess the post office is a fairly safe place to keep it while we're gone, since that's sort of what they're in the business of. I read on the boards about people who are still waiting for their appointments to go and get their fingerprinting done. I don't know if there is just something else we didn't do and don't know it yet, but I have to say that about a week after we sent the app in, we got a letter telling us to come WHENEVER they were open--no appointment necessary--and it took less than 10 minutes from start to finish. Maybe I'm not giving Maryland enough credit after all...