The End Of An Era...

Definition of an era: A period of time characterized by particular circumstances, events, or personages.

The era of nursing Luke is over. Actually, it ended yesterday, just as I had planned for it to...on his ten-month birthday.

I have enough milk stored for a couple more weeks and then we'll switch over to formula.

Sounds so cut and dry, doesn't it? Sounds just like the old me...Planned it. Prepared for it. Executed it. Finished it.

It's NOT that cut and dry!

Yes, I've been planning it and have been talking with doctors, nurses lactation consultants and most helpful, other mommies.

Yes, Luke has (true to his easy manner!) made it so easy for me. (Maybe too easy, if I am honest!) He has switched over to bottles fairly well now (only The First Years BreastFlow, though I have tried all sorts of others!) and cracks me up at how he can totally hold it, yet won't. Mommy may have stopped supplying directly, but he still holds me accountable for making sure it gets to him easily and without much work on his part, ha ha!

Yes, it's for a bigger goal. A chance at a sibling with whom he can grow up.

Yes, even if we the testing comes back saying it's a no-go on another IVF, I'll still at least know we tried.

But it hurts. I sort of feel like my body is in mourning...kind of like the poor puppy who brings a ball to his master's feet, willing to run and play and jump like they always have, only to learn the master has a baby now and just doesn't have the same time for the puppy that it once did...and the puppy just sort of takes the ball, longingly, and waits for things to go back like they were before. (Not that this has happened in our house, right?) That's how my body is right now...wondering why we are not feeding that baby like we always have and whether or not it is even appreciated anymore. I'm not in physical pain (seriously, Luke has been somewhat weaning himself anyway, according to the lactation consultants, and that's helped tremendously,) but more emotional.

I have plenty of milk. I always have. He's a good nurser (after some major effort, of course). I honestly would go until he completely stopped or I dried up.

But if we are going to get this testing done, and further, should the testing prove positive and we attempt a cycle or two...we have to get going. And I have to stop making milk and the accompanying hormones so test results are not skewed.

I told my sister-in-law (Who, by the way, really is a good conversationalist. She listens, even when one rambles, and has good insight and good, honest support. I never remember to tell her this, but am doing so right now!) that I feel like I am always robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to sacrificing one child's needs for another's...sacrifice feelings I have for Matthew to be the mommy Luke needs. Sacrifice mood and energy level for Luke because I'm drained in giving to Matthew when I just have those horrible, terrible achy days.

Now I am sacrificing something so precious and intimate and sacred with Luke, for the mere possibility of another sibling.

It just isn't fair.

But I already know that, and she reminded me that's just how it goes when you have multiple children.

And it is. I guess it's the fact that this next sibling is truly just a dream right now and having to stop nursing Luke to get there is a very tangible thing I am giving up.

The knowledge, either way, will be worth it. I will not regret weaning Luke and having another child. I may wish wistfully that I'd not had to stop nursing Luke only to find out we weren't having another one, but I would always regret not knowing whether we could or not.

So, as stated. The end of an era. A wonderful and magical one, though very bumpy and not without it's share of frustrations. Sweet little Luke, I want you to know it has been my honor and my privilege to nurse you these 10 months, and I am so grateful for the amazing experience and memories. Thank you, thank you.

Today we took some pictures out at the beach. They mostly stink because it was so bright out they are all overexposed and frankly, I don't know how to compensate for that. I was in manual, and I was using all my tricks on my camera to balance exposure, but still...blech. I want to learn how to adjust white balance in Kelvin and I also need to learn more about metering with my camera. But I digress...the purpose of this paragraph was to preface the pictures. My niece is visiting and after I took a few of Luke, I set the camera and gave it to her. She captured some really sweet ones...because the most important part of the pictures are the expressions...they show how much I adore this little boy and how happy he is.

I am so blessed with him.

It's Complicated...

Not necessarily the most uplifting way to start a post, I guess...but basically how I've been feeling lately, so might as well be honest.

It's that time of year again. Two minutes ago, two years ago, I posted the following facebook status: "This is my sweet boy's birth month. What a blessing his life already is. Can't wait to meet him!"

You know, I have to say that at this moment, typing, my heart hurts because I really feel like I didn't get to 'meet' him. So many did...and I am glad for that. I'm most glad that John did and got to spend so much of his life with him.

But all I got was a shoulder caress and a sweet fingertip kiss to his cheek.

Poor thing probably had no idea I was even there.

It's ok. Don't feel the need to tell me that surely he did. Whether he did or didn't, no difference. I was jilted out of my long-anticipated meeting and it just hurts.

He was such a beautiful baby.

And his little brother! His little brother STILL looks so much like him sometimes. I know people who have twins that don't look as much alike as Matthew and Luke do. What a blessing both of those baby boys are to me.

I guess I am just in one of those moods. Two years ago...on top of the world with joy and excitement and just overwhelming gratitude (not to mention an extra 50 pounds!). A year ago...heartache, confusion, anxiety and still amazing gratitude (and an extra 20 pounds!). Today...I'll be honest. All of that and more...add in bitterness and frustration and uncertainty and take away all of that gained weight and even an addtional 10 pounds, though I am not happy with how much weight I have lost. Like...probably going to the doctor because of how much weight I've lost, though John just thinks it's because I am carrying Chunky Monkey all over the place and running around day in and day out. (Glad he notices!)

I am bitter and frustrated and uncertain about our upcoming plans to look into another IVF cycle. Bitter and frustrated because this is the last week I am nursing, and very possibly, forEVER. I have been an emotional wreck over this. I remember writing how much of a fan I was of breastmilk, but not so much of nursing because let's be real--it's HARD!

Now...I TOTALLY get why people would nurse their kids until they were 104.

(Well, that may be pushing it...but I'd definitely nurse Luke until he wanted to be done if I felt like I could without jeopardizing the opportunity for a sibling for him.)

Which is the kicker...here I am crying, crying, crying on a regular basis because I don't want to give nursing up and that little stinker (and obvious blessing in disguise!) is weaning himself!!!! He is such a good, easy baby...and weaning is no exception. He's not a huge fan of bottles, but he does ok with them. He's definitely pulled back on the nursing on his own though, and all the lactation ladies remind me, this is what I want--HIM to tell ME that he's good.

But it makes me sad because I'll miss it. I'm grateful it's so easy for us. Him, rather.

But I'm sad.

And I am angry that I have to give it up just to *see* if we will qualify for another IVF cycle.

My guess is that we won't, and I've given nursing up for nothing.

Then I remind myself that it's not nothing. It's the knowledge I'll gain. The regret of not knowing that I won't have to live with.

That's worth it, right?

Anyway...as said...feelings these days are complicated. For all my aching, and searching for acceptance of things being as they are...I am just so, so, so madly in love with Luke.

Seriously. He is just truly the most amazing gift and I am so grateful (and excited!) that I have him to share these upcoming dates and holidays with. I had to buy him a coat because it's actually coat-worthy here in NC and as I hung it in our coat closet tonight, I started crying over how beautiful it was having that little bitty coat in there with ours.

What a gift he is indeed.

He said "Bye-Bye" the other day, to grandma, on the phone. Cracked me up. I had her on speaker, said, "Bye," and she said, "Bye," and as I hung up, out of the back seat came, "Bye-bye!" I looked back at him and asked if he said, "Bye-bye," and he just smiled, like, "Umm...didn't you hear me?!" He's done it a few times since. I love it! I also think those teeth are rearing their heads again, and I just wish they'd pop through for him. Still just those cute ones on the bottom. He is adjusting just beautifully to the move (HOORAY FOR FINALLY BEING IN A HOUSE!!!!) and getting so, so big. He's in mostly 12 month clothes now and yet, his feet, which USED to be big and long like his brother's, seem to have just stopped growing. I'm having a heck of a time finding pre-walkers for his size 2 feet. If that. Still mostly crawling or standing with some cruising, but that's ok by me.

Let him stay little. Lord, please...just let him stay little a little while longer. I can't soak in enough with just 24 hours in a day.

Here are some pics from the last two weeks. I think my favorite thing is how happy he is. Like he knows how much he's loved. I love that!

A few weeks ago we went to Mike's Farm. Super fun!!! He was all happy and smiley...

...until some punk kid (seriously) comes along, pushes the pumpkin RIGHT INTO LUKE, and he wasn't happy....

Mama made it better....

...well, sorta...he's still wondering about how he got hit with a big old pumpkin!

"Okay...I'll somewhat pose!"

Happier!!!!

MUCH happier!!!

That boy loves, loves, loves him some Daddy!

So...last summer...after we found out he was LUKE and not Molly, we went and bought some things for LUKE. This costume was on clearance for .... get this.... $.48! Could not help but get it! He is looking at me like he's wondering how long it's gonna take CPS to come and lock me up?!

"Oh brother..."

I'm in trouble this hat season. Boy knows how to take them off!!!

We got a SWEET visit from our friends and Luke thought Miss Tamla was mighty comfy! They stopped by after he was in bed, but I knew he'd be just fine with being woken up to see them, and he was....snuggled right into her! It's been about 4 months since Bert and Tamla had seen him, and she can attest...the boy is SOLID! (For the record, he was back asleep within 5 minutes after they left. He is SUCH a good boy!)

That boy and his faces....

I know kids under two should not watch tv. I know this. I also know that reality is harder to live by. I allow 1.5 hours a WEEK. This usually lets me get dinner done when he's having one of those moods where he'd rather not play by himself (which he does a fabulous job of, most of the time!) for a bit...This was the 28th and he was enthralled with his cookie and the Wonderpets.

Took him to the Atlantic Beach Kite Festival and it was chilly! First cool weather clothing...he wasn't too sure of it!

...but he had fun at the beach!

Yeah...definitely a daddy's boy!

He LOVES to swing (though daddy scares me with how high he pushes!)...

I learned, sort of, how to use Instagram. Still working on it!

Our sweet friend Amanda got us this AWESOME Red Fish, Blue Fish toy. Pulled it out the other day. Wouldn't you know he went STRAIGHT for the Red Fish??????? There was a blue one, two green ones and a yellow. He immediately went for the red one. Choked me up a bit.

Of course...then he had to eat it.

Before his first Family Day as a VMM-266 Griffin kid!!!!

At the marina...great day!

Clarity (Not Really...this post RAMBLES!)

Seriously. He is such a joy.

You know how some days, every.single.thing is just muddy? Wishy Washy? Unsure? Unsettling? Just not clear...

Yep, I've had a lot of those in the last 22 months and 17 days. If I believed that life was fair, I'd say more than my fair share.

But...I don't believe that. Life has certainly proven itself to not be fair, and even more, we are told...life is hard. There will be trouble. (Sometimes 'trouble' sort of seems like an understatement, doesn't it?) The Promise is we aren't alone.

So that's what I've been clinging to...and has been faithful to me. The Promise. I have lately had so, so many days where things are just so crystal clear. Like roadblocks just sort of push themselves out of the way and say, "Here, Lori...this way, please..."

A lot has been due to the study I've been doing. (Again, it is Angela Thomas's Brave and it is UH-MAZING!) A lot has been due to the ladies with whom I've been sharing it. A lot has been due to my purposeful effort to focus even more on the things that so clearly require my focus (and to push those that don't...like Facebook, ha ha!) I cannot believe how much more I get accomplished when I just spend a preset amount of time on the computer and dedicate the rest of my day to other things.

Now...before anyone gives the, "Well, DUH. Of course you do..." speech, I think it should go without saying that I don't know how I would have made it through the last nearly two years without the support I have received via my computer. Whether it's articles to read, emails sent at just the right time, friends who are now like family via their blogs or just me being able to get stuff of my chest on this blog...there is NO.DOUBT in my mind that God ministered (and still does) to me through thousands of different ways using technology. And I am grateful.

I'm just at a different place where my time is needed differently...and though I miss a lot of the security that I have had in others 'who get it'...I'm feeling more BRAVE these days and am able to wean myself.

So...speaking of weaning. (This is what happens when I go almost a month without updating. SO much to write about. SO little time or space!)

Yesterday I had a really encouraging doctor's visit. I haven't really been throwing a lot of details out because there's still a lot of stuff that is ahead of us, but the gist is that we are looking into perhaps having another child. I didn't really intend to share this quite so soon, but I posted a status on Facebook yesterday that said I was praying with expectancy, and sort of opened an accidental can of worms. I MEANT that I was praying with the expectancy that God will continue to show His amazing glory and hope that meant an even larger family for us.

Not that I am expecting, ha ha!

(Yet. Soon? Hopefully? Maybe? Who knows?)

So let me set the record straight--and I'm glad to do so with some clarity right now.

We are going to explore different options.

It will be difficult no matter what happens because John will be very busy and gone for the better part of all of next year.

If it doesn't happen, I will not feel one bit incomplete as a mother. I was given the gift of two amazingly beautiful and precious baby boys. That's more than I ever dared to dream. Those baby boys have already exceeded every expectation of what it means to be a mother and another child in our family truly will be icing on the cake. (Yummy, delicious and super loved icing!)

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Yes, an official day. Not many people know that because October is all about the pink for breast cancer. I've said it before. Both issues are close to my heart, obviously. I have enough room to honor and remember for each situation.

I miss Matthew. With each new thing Luke does, and each day looking less and less like my pictures of Matthew...it seems like Matthew just falls a little farther behind us...and by us, I mean where we are as a family. I hate that feeling, but I realize that time doesn't stop because a family member's life does. Balancing that feeling and realization is hard. I'm glad there are days that help everyone remember how life changing losing a child is.

Because trust me. Those of us who have never forget. And it's nice when others remember.

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Luke is fabulous. So, he and I both had the flu. Reported to the CDC and everything type of flu. (Also known as the one with the letters and numbers but don't want some weird spam comments!) We've basically been sort of quarantined for a bit and it was MISERABLE for me. Thankfully, according to his doctor, he is the poster boy of the flu. Then she said he was actually poster boy for breast feeding since she believes that's why he had no symptoms other than really messy diapers all day long and he tested positive when I tested. He still has some residual chest and nasal congestion, as do I, but seriously...this little boy is just amazing. One would never know how sick our family has been!

That said, we've been trying to take advantage of some of the fun fall activities this season brings. I love all these memories we are making with Luke. He may not remember them...but this mommy always, always, always will. I am so grateful.

Fun at Cox Farm!

It was all fun and games until Bessie the plastic cow stepped in...

Which set the tone for the rest of the afternoon!!!!

Although, hotdogs sure made it better. (Yes, I know. Hotdogs. It was just a teeny bit and they were all beef.)

Where's that cow??????

The next day at the Apple Festival at Grave's Mountain was much better!!!! (And yes, two completely different outfits that look the same!)

FOOD!

One's tired...and one's tired of pictures!

The next day was super fun at Busch Gardens with our dear friends!

First carousel ride!

He is Lukealicious!!! I gobble him up!

This is SO much fun!

Loved giggling with Matthew and Brad!

HUGE fan of Big Bird!

But surely worn out!

At his 9 month appointment last week, he weighed in at 18 lbs., 4 oz. That is 20th percentile. The nurse double-checked and said, "That can't be right!"

I told her that's about what he normally is and she looked at me very suspiciously and said, "That boy doesn't look like he misses a meal!"

No, he doesn't. Crazy, huh? Everyone always comments on how solid and bulky he is...but still...20th%! He was 28.3 inches, though, and that was 57th percentile, so...again, as usual, long and lean. (I giggle at lean every time I kiss those sausage hands!) Head circumference was 22nd percentile. Daddy's little head. All in all, a great visit. I loved the doctor he saw. I loved what he told me. "Nobody ever gets carried to college. Hold him and carry him all you want. He is healthy and developmentally right on track...he'll do what he wants when he wants."

Done.

And he is doing just what he wants! Little turkey still can't sit himself up from a laying down position (though he is just about there), and he is still 'crawling' by dragging his whole body with his arms, but last night he stood. On his own. Not holding onto anything and even balanced for a few seconds. Then he took a step toward his play table! He doesn't even really seem to care about crawling anymore, but standing. Not even walking so much. Just standing. The doctor noted that, "Hmmm...he doesn't want to sit down, does he???" Nope. He never has. Always liked to be on those feet, and now is no exception!

I mentioned weaning him. I don't want to. It's killing me. BUT...I have to in order to do the testing I need to do for Shady Grove. So...we'll see how that goes. He's already basically trying to wean himself (he LIVES for solids. I again talked with the doctor about it and she said it wasn't preferrable to wean this early, but it was common and some babies just naturally transitioned with no difficulty because they were ready and wanted to do so. Would figure that would be my Luke.) So...he'll have breastmilk until 10 months and then another half a month or more of pumped breastmilk and then formula for another month and a half or so. And we are working on more vegetables! He loves, loves, loves to try just about anything on our spoons. He likes lasagna, but spaghetti noodles feel weird to him. We've talked extensively about food allergies and we pretty much all agree that he has them..or at least sensitivity. The thing is that unless his reactions (which are now pretty much slight rashes) are serious, the APP doesn't recommend withholding the food. New studies on allergies in infants are coming out right and left saying that they'll have allergies or not...so it's a matter of managing what is given based on reaction. Our problem is that he has such sensitive skin, it's hard to tell if he is reacting to something or someone breathed on him the wrong way, so for now, his pediatricians, dermatologist and allergists all are ok with him trying whatever he is interested in and watching for reaction. Food allergies were HORRID for me...so I pray he's spared!

Ok. Too much rambling and the boy is up. I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday just to do this and now he's up and we're starting another fun day. Can't wait!

Here are some more pictures of the last few weeks!

He loves his Dixie Belle!

Humoring mom with some crawling!

I'm in trouble this hat season because the boy knows how to take them off. And does so. Quickly!

Hard at work!

Loves his bath bubble machine!

No sippy cups for him. Straws, please. Only. Even sippy cups with straws aggravate him because of the valve. He loves his juice boxes!

Mom might have gotten a bit out of hand with the big circle for 9 months!