Be Specific In What You Ask...

I know I'm behind, behind, behind in keeping up with pictures and updates for Lukealicious.

Seriously, though...it's because I am just enjoying every second with him and in those few minutes here and there during the day that he's napping or gobbling up some goodies in his high chair, I am trying to at least keep up with the unholy amount of dog hair that piles up on the floor each day. I will sweep, Swiffer, vacuum (with my NEW Dyson 35 Slim Digital—not impressed) and swiffer again, and yet, that boy crawls around for 5 minutes and he's wearing enough fur to build a new dog.

I digress.

ANYWAY...we also have been pretty busy doing some things...like testing to see whether or not we were eligible for Shady Grove's Shared Risk program again. It's been a few months worth of preparation—from weaning Luke (which really and truly was so easy in the big scheme of things) to hoping my body falls into semi-regular cycles (TOTALLY. TOTALLY did. On its own. Crazy.) to just managing when/where/how to have the testing done...it's been a process.

A super duper easy process, though.

Yep, easy. Very easy. Like I said, Luke practically weaned himself. My body became so normal so quickly and surprisingly. The day I needed to have testing done just.so.happened to be the day after Thanksgiving and we were ever so conveniently about 30 minutes away from Shady Grove. We walked into the office, had bloodwork done and then an ultrasound. My ultrasound was to determine how many antral follicles I had and they found 22. Not too shabby for a gal my age, and the tech said not too shabby for a gal in her 20s!

A few days later, on Matthew's birthday, my nurse called and told me the preliminary blood work was fabulous. FSH was 7.5, estrogen was 45, LH was 10...just all in all, super bloodwork, again for someone my age. She (knowing it was Matthew's birthday) said, "Maybe he decided to let you know on his birthday he has a brother or sister up there waiting to come down to you."

Gulp.

The only thing we've been waiting on is the Ovarian Assessment Score. It's new for me in the IVF cycling, and was the determining factor as to whether or not we'd be accepted into Shared Risk. We've decided to go with Shared Risk again because we felt like as much as Shady Grove loves us (and we love them!), they ARE a business. If they don't feel like I'm going to be somewhat profitable for both their numbers and pocketbooks, they are not going to accept me. In my eyes, I'd rather have them say, "Sorry, Lori...not saying you can't get pregnant again, just saying we aren't that confident in it...and it may take 3 or 4 tries at that." because John and I decided that if that was the case, we'd look into other options that we were more than ok with.

Sooo....driving down 95 yesterday and flipping through the channels, I came across Focal Point and the pastor was talking about prayer. He was basically saying that God wants us to be specific...not just, "Thanks for a good day, God," or "God, please fix this," but really specific..."Thanks for that awesome conversation I got to have at lunch today," or "God, please open the job that I really feel I'd fit well in up for me."

I am a bit embarrassed to say this, but hearing that, I rather flippantly said, out loud, "Ok, God...how's this? I'd like a baby brother or sister. I'd LOVE a healthy and happy baby brother or sister for Matthew and Luke."

Would you believe that in fewer than 10 minutes, my nurse called me and told me my score had come back (not expecting to hear from her that day) and it was GOOD?! It was a 13, which was the highest score she's seen!!! The score ranges are Excellent, Good, Fair and Poor and she said the only thing that dragged me down was my age (gosh darnit!). I was expecting Fair, but really dreaming of Good...and there it was!

(Ummm...did I also mention the little prism of rainbow Mom and I saw in the sky the day before as we were just driving and there really was no reason for a rainbow to be out but perhaps a lovely little sign of things to come?)

Lesson learned in specificity.

And get this...we are moving FAST! In about a week and a half or so, I'll start birth control. Two weeks later, the lupron. About two weeks later, the hormones....we are looking at a retrieval and transfer sometime in January/February.

Crazy.

John, of course, will probably be gone, but that's ok. We can work around that, ha ha.

That's some of the goings on of late in a nutshell.

We are going to try and add a new little brother or sister to our family.

And seriously...look at this boy....this amazing, fun, fabulous, precious little boy....

Picture his brother...God gives us some pretty incredible babies.

How could we not at least ask him for one more? I know when pregnant with Luke, I prayed so many grateful prayers but ones that always included, "If you just let me bring him home and have him healthy, I'll never ask for another thing again," and here I am, asking for one more thing.

But I'm being specific. We would so, so, so cherish another baby.

And that's where the specificity ends. Gender doesn't matter!

If you pray, and pray for us, please pray for these next several weeks. They hold the potential for so much.

Pray for us to accept whatever they bring with open and grateful hearts and to remember that God works all things for our good.

Keeping Up With Luke....

...it's near impossible these days.

For starters, he is growing way, way, way too quickly for his mama's comfort. Wasn't I just at the hospital? Weren't you all just texting me your numbers so I could text you pictures when he was born?

How did he turn into this unbelievably inquisitive little boy? He's always sort of just sat back and taken everything in...but he really is putting that to use now that he is mobile. He investigates EVERY.THING. Gotta find out how it works...what makes it tick....he's just so interested in the mechanics of everything.

Definitely his daddy's boy because mama couldn't care less...as long as stuff works, right?!

He is very mobile. Still doesn't crawl much but cruises around and tries to stand everywhere. He's standing on his own for a couple seconds lots more and I really think he'll just sort of bypass crawling more to go to walking. At church nursery, they tell me it's just a matter of time. I think that it is funny that he STILL won't sit up fully from a laying down position. He sits up about 2/3rds of the way, reaches out like he's saying, "Alms for the poor...." and then rolls onto his knees and then to standing. Hilarious.

I'M NOT READY, though!!!! I love every single day that he grows and learns something new...but I just can't believe my baby is such a big boy now!

He's still got an amazing disposition on everything. He's had this cough and icky nose for about a week and a couple of days now and with the recovery from the flu, and two babies with RSV at church, we've been watching to be sure he's ok. I took him in on the doctor's advice, and guess what? That boy had a double ear infection and sinus infection. The doctor asked, "Hasn't he been fussy?"

Nope.

"Has he been eating ok? That throat is raging red."

Yep. In fact, he tries just about EVERY.THING. He had chili the night before the doctor visit.

She said, "I tell you, that disposition is great, isn't it?"

It is...but it makes me worry because I don't want to undertreat him. Here he's had a double ear infection and sinus infection and the worst we've dealt with is a bit of sleep disruption. And by bit...I mean teeny bit. Barely anything.

He's just such a good baby. Confirmed by all his pediatricians, ha ha!

He is babbling up a storm. His official words are Mama, Daddy, Bye-bye and now "Hiiiiii!" with my inflection, which is so darned cute. He says it with this sweet little lift like I always do when I say "Hi!" to him and I just love how he picks up his words like we say them. He is still a talking fool, and I love it.

He loves his food. Seriously. The weaning has gone really well...in fact, so well that he makes me sad that he doesn't even seem to miss nursing because he goes goo-goo, gaa-gaa for the bottle. We'll be starting formula soon, though, so we'll see what he thinks about that. He is so good about trying foods...he'll try anything now. Of course, he's super smart about taking it right back out of his mouth if he doesn't like it, but so far, some of his faves are white chicken chili, biscuits, egg rolls and dumplings! I love that I have such a good eater.

Again, got that from daddy, ha ha!

We are pretty settled in the house now and he likes his room. It's not his room at home, but he is really enjoying all his books. When he gets on the floor to play, he goes straight to the book basket, every time. His favorites are still the Mama Llama books, as well as Harry The Dirty Dog, Clifford and super-favorite, The Busy Little Squirrel. He laughs and laughs at his books, and I love that he's so into them.

THAT he gets from his Mama!

Hard to believe that we are so close to Thanksgiving...and to Matthew's second birthday. I just don't know where time has gone. I am really excited to go home for Thanksgiving. We'll be going back to church, and then after, to the cemetery as Matthew's birthday will be the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I feel like I should be planning more...or feeling more wistful. I think I pretty much feel wistful for something about Matthew every day, so maybe that's why I don't feel such a build-up right now. I have to say, we have hung Matthew's big collage in our hallway and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME we walk by it, Luke lights up with the biggest smile. I know, I know...he probably thinks he's looking at himself, as that's what he always does when he sees HIMSELF in the mirror. They still look so much alike sometimes, I have no doubt that Luke thinks it's just another mirror with an incredibly handsome baby.

But I'm just going to believe that he is as delighted as I am when he sees his big brother. And the glee in his face says, "Hey! I know you!"

What a blessing I have in both of those baby boys.

He sure does love his daddy. It's very, very reciprocated!

Of course...Mama still makes him light up too!

"Mommy....what have I said about bath pictures????"

Getting 10 month pictures was HARD! He is all over the place!

He is so happy and jolly all the time, but he also has this really serious face that he gets sometimes and I love catching! He was wondering what that hay he was sitting in was all about!

This was SUCH a joyful picture! We got to meet up with our dear friend, and mommy of a precious Baby Named Nathan. It was quite an event to get to each other, but when we did, it was wonderful! Loved meeting up and can't wait to get together again soon!

It's Complicated...

Not necessarily the most uplifting way to start a post, I guess...but basically how I've been feeling lately, so might as well be honest.

It's that time of year again. Two minutes ago, two years ago, I posted the following facebook status: "This is my sweet boy's birth month. What a blessing his life already is. Can't wait to meet him!"

You know, I have to say that at this moment, typing, my heart hurts because I really feel like I didn't get to 'meet' him. So many did...and I am glad for that. I'm most glad that John did and got to spend so much of his life with him.

But all I got was a shoulder caress and a sweet fingertip kiss to his cheek.

Poor thing probably had no idea I was even there.

It's ok. Don't feel the need to tell me that surely he did. Whether he did or didn't, no difference. I was jilted out of my long-anticipated meeting and it just hurts.

He was such a beautiful baby.

And his little brother! His little brother STILL looks so much like him sometimes. I know people who have twins that don't look as much alike as Matthew and Luke do. What a blessing both of those baby boys are to me.

I guess I am just in one of those moods. Two years ago...on top of the world with joy and excitement and just overwhelming gratitude (not to mention an extra 50 pounds!). A year ago...heartache, confusion, anxiety and still amazing gratitude (and an extra 20 pounds!). Today...I'll be honest. All of that and more...add in bitterness and frustration and uncertainty and take away all of that gained weight and even an addtional 10 pounds, though I am not happy with how much weight I have lost. Like...probably going to the doctor because of how much weight I've lost, though John just thinks it's because I am carrying Chunky Monkey all over the place and running around day in and day out. (Glad he notices!)

I am bitter and frustrated and uncertain about our upcoming plans to look into another IVF cycle. Bitter and frustrated because this is the last week I am nursing, and very possibly, forEVER. I have been an emotional wreck over this. I remember writing how much of a fan I was of breastmilk, but not so much of nursing because let's be real--it's HARD!

Now...I TOTALLY get why people would nurse their kids until they were 104.

(Well, that may be pushing it...but I'd definitely nurse Luke until he wanted to be done if I felt like I could without jeopardizing the opportunity for a sibling for him.)

Which is the kicker...here I am crying, crying, crying on a regular basis because I don't want to give nursing up and that little stinker (and obvious blessing in disguise!) is weaning himself!!!! He is such a good, easy baby...and weaning is no exception. He's not a huge fan of bottles, but he does ok with them. He's definitely pulled back on the nursing on his own though, and all the lactation ladies remind me, this is what I want--HIM to tell ME that he's good.

But it makes me sad because I'll miss it. I'm grateful it's so easy for us. Him, rather.

But I'm sad.

And I am angry that I have to give it up just to *see* if we will qualify for another IVF cycle.

My guess is that we won't, and I've given nursing up for nothing.

Then I remind myself that it's not nothing. It's the knowledge I'll gain. The regret of not knowing that I won't have to live with.

That's worth it, right?

Anyway...as said...feelings these days are complicated. For all my aching, and searching for acceptance of things being as they are...I am just so, so, so madly in love with Luke.

Seriously. He is just truly the most amazing gift and I am so grateful (and excited!) that I have him to share these upcoming dates and holidays with. I had to buy him a coat because it's actually coat-worthy here in NC and as I hung it in our coat closet tonight, I started crying over how beautiful it was having that little bitty coat in there with ours.

What a gift he is indeed.

He said "Bye-Bye" the other day, to grandma, on the phone. Cracked me up. I had her on speaker, said, "Bye," and she said, "Bye," and as I hung up, out of the back seat came, "Bye-bye!" I looked back at him and asked if he said, "Bye-bye," and he just smiled, like, "Umm...didn't you hear me?!" He's done it a few times since. I love it! I also think those teeth are rearing their heads again, and I just wish they'd pop through for him. Still just those cute ones on the bottom. He is adjusting just beautifully to the move (HOORAY FOR FINALLY BEING IN A HOUSE!!!!) and getting so, so big. He's in mostly 12 month clothes now and yet, his feet, which USED to be big and long like his brother's, seem to have just stopped growing. I'm having a heck of a time finding pre-walkers for his size 2 feet. If that. Still mostly crawling or standing with some cruising, but that's ok by me.

Let him stay little. Lord, please...just let him stay little a little while longer. I can't soak in enough with just 24 hours in a day.

Here are some pics from the last two weeks. I think my favorite thing is how happy he is. Like he knows how much he's loved. I love that!

A few weeks ago we went to Mike's Farm. Super fun!!! He was all happy and smiley...

...until some punk kid (seriously) comes along, pushes the pumpkin RIGHT INTO LUKE, and he wasn't happy....

Mama made it better....

...well, sorta...he's still wondering about how he got hit with a big old pumpkin!

"Okay...I'll somewhat pose!"

Happier!!!!

MUCH happier!!!

That boy loves, loves, loves him some Daddy!

So...last summer...after we found out he was LUKE and not Molly, we went and bought some things for LUKE. This costume was on clearance for .... get this.... $.48! Could not help but get it! He is looking at me like he's wondering how long it's gonna take CPS to come and lock me up?!

"Oh brother..."

I'm in trouble this hat season. Boy knows how to take them off!!!

We got a SWEET visit from our friends and Luke thought Miss Tamla was mighty comfy! They stopped by after he was in bed, but I knew he'd be just fine with being woken up to see them, and he was....snuggled right into her! It's been about 4 months since Bert and Tamla had seen him, and she can attest...the boy is SOLID! (For the record, he was back asleep within 5 minutes after they left. He is SUCH a good boy!)

That boy and his faces....

I know kids under two should not watch tv. I know this. I also know that reality is harder to live by. I allow 1.5 hours a WEEK. This usually lets me get dinner done when he's having one of those moods where he'd rather not play by himself (which he does a fabulous job of, most of the time!) for a bit...This was the 28th and he was enthralled with his cookie and the Wonderpets.

Took him to the Atlantic Beach Kite Festival and it was chilly! First cool weather clothing...he wasn't too sure of it!

...but he had fun at the beach!

Yeah...definitely a daddy's boy!

He LOVES to swing (though daddy scares me with how high he pushes!)...

I learned, sort of, how to use Instagram. Still working on it!

Our sweet friend Amanda got us this AWESOME Red Fish, Blue Fish toy. Pulled it out the other day. Wouldn't you know he went STRAIGHT for the Red Fish??????? There was a blue one, two green ones and a yellow. He immediately went for the red one. Choked me up a bit.

Of course...then he had to eat it.

Before his first Family Day as a VMM-266 Griffin kid!!!!

At the marina...great day!

Clarity (Not Really...this post RAMBLES!)

Seriously. He is such a joy.

You know how some days, every.single.thing is just muddy? Wishy Washy? Unsure? Unsettling? Just not clear...

Yep, I've had a lot of those in the last 22 months and 17 days. If I believed that life was fair, I'd say more than my fair share.

But...I don't believe that. Life has certainly proven itself to not be fair, and even more, we are told...life is hard. There will be trouble. (Sometimes 'trouble' sort of seems like an understatement, doesn't it?) The Promise is we aren't alone.

So that's what I've been clinging to...and has been faithful to me. The Promise. I have lately had so, so many days where things are just so crystal clear. Like roadblocks just sort of push themselves out of the way and say, "Here, Lori...this way, please..."

A lot has been due to the study I've been doing. (Again, it is Angela Thomas's Brave and it is UH-MAZING!) A lot has been due to the ladies with whom I've been sharing it. A lot has been due to my purposeful effort to focus even more on the things that so clearly require my focus (and to push those that don't...like Facebook, ha ha!) I cannot believe how much more I get accomplished when I just spend a preset amount of time on the computer and dedicate the rest of my day to other things.

Now...before anyone gives the, "Well, DUH. Of course you do..." speech, I think it should go without saying that I don't know how I would have made it through the last nearly two years without the support I have received via my computer. Whether it's articles to read, emails sent at just the right time, friends who are now like family via their blogs or just me being able to get stuff of my chest on this blog...there is NO.DOUBT in my mind that God ministered (and still does) to me through thousands of different ways using technology. And I am grateful.

I'm just at a different place where my time is needed differently...and though I miss a lot of the security that I have had in others 'who get it'...I'm feeling more BRAVE these days and am able to wean myself.

So...speaking of weaning. (This is what happens when I go almost a month without updating. SO much to write about. SO little time or space!)

Yesterday I had a really encouraging doctor's visit. I haven't really been throwing a lot of details out because there's still a lot of stuff that is ahead of us, but the gist is that we are looking into perhaps having another child. I didn't really intend to share this quite so soon, but I posted a status on Facebook yesterday that said I was praying with expectancy, and sort of opened an accidental can of worms. I MEANT that I was praying with the expectancy that God will continue to show His amazing glory and hope that meant an even larger family for us.

Not that I am expecting, ha ha!

(Yet. Soon? Hopefully? Maybe? Who knows?)

So let me set the record straight--and I'm glad to do so with some clarity right now.

We are going to explore different options.

It will be difficult no matter what happens because John will be very busy and gone for the better part of all of next year.

If it doesn't happen, I will not feel one bit incomplete as a mother. I was given the gift of two amazingly beautiful and precious baby boys. That's more than I ever dared to dream. Those baby boys have already exceeded every expectation of what it means to be a mother and another child in our family truly will be icing on the cake. (Yummy, delicious and super loved icing!)

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Yes, an official day. Not many people know that because October is all about the pink for breast cancer. I've said it before. Both issues are close to my heart, obviously. I have enough room to honor and remember for each situation.

I miss Matthew. With each new thing Luke does, and each day looking less and less like my pictures of Matthew...it seems like Matthew just falls a little farther behind us...and by us, I mean where we are as a family. I hate that feeling, but I realize that time doesn't stop because a family member's life does. Balancing that feeling and realization is hard. I'm glad there are days that help everyone remember how life changing losing a child is.

Because trust me. Those of us who have never forget. And it's nice when others remember.

*********************************************

Luke is fabulous. So, he and I both had the flu. Reported to the CDC and everything type of flu. (Also known as the one with the letters and numbers but don't want some weird spam comments!) We've basically been sort of quarantined for a bit and it was MISERABLE for me. Thankfully, according to his doctor, he is the poster boy of the flu. Then she said he was actually poster boy for breast feeding since she believes that's why he had no symptoms other than really messy diapers all day long and he tested positive when I tested. He still has some residual chest and nasal congestion, as do I, but seriously...this little boy is just amazing. One would never know how sick our family has been!

That said, we've been trying to take advantage of some of the fun fall activities this season brings. I love all these memories we are making with Luke. He may not remember them...but this mommy always, always, always will. I am so grateful.

Fun at Cox Farm!

It was all fun and games until Bessie the plastic cow stepped in...

Which set the tone for the rest of the afternoon!!!!

Although, hotdogs sure made it better. (Yes, I know. Hotdogs. It was just a teeny bit and they were all beef.)

Where's that cow??????

The next day at the Apple Festival at Grave's Mountain was much better!!!! (And yes, two completely different outfits that look the same!)

FOOD!

One's tired...and one's tired of pictures!

The next day was super fun at Busch Gardens with our dear friends!

First carousel ride!

He is Lukealicious!!! I gobble him up!

This is SO much fun!

Loved giggling with Matthew and Brad!

HUGE fan of Big Bird!

But surely worn out!

At his 9 month appointment last week, he weighed in at 18 lbs., 4 oz. That is 20th percentile. The nurse double-checked and said, "That can't be right!"

I told her that's about what he normally is and she looked at me very suspiciously and said, "That boy doesn't look like he misses a meal!"

No, he doesn't. Crazy, huh? Everyone always comments on how solid and bulky he is...but still...20th%! He was 28.3 inches, though, and that was 57th percentile, so...again, as usual, long and lean. (I giggle at lean every time I kiss those sausage hands!) Head circumference was 22nd percentile. Daddy's little head. All in all, a great visit. I loved the doctor he saw. I loved what he told me. "Nobody ever gets carried to college. Hold him and carry him all you want. He is healthy and developmentally right on track...he'll do what he wants when he wants."

Done.

And he is doing just what he wants! Little turkey still can't sit himself up from a laying down position (though he is just about there), and he is still 'crawling' by dragging his whole body with his arms, but last night he stood. On his own. Not holding onto anything and even balanced for a few seconds. Then he took a step toward his play table! He doesn't even really seem to care about crawling anymore, but standing. Not even walking so much. Just standing. The doctor noted that, "Hmmm...he doesn't want to sit down, does he???" Nope. He never has. Always liked to be on those feet, and now is no exception!

I mentioned weaning him. I don't want to. It's killing me. BUT...I have to in order to do the testing I need to do for Shady Grove. So...we'll see how that goes. He's already basically trying to wean himself (he LIVES for solids. I again talked with the doctor about it and she said it wasn't preferrable to wean this early, but it was common and some babies just naturally transitioned with no difficulty because they were ready and wanted to do so. Would figure that would be my Luke.) So...he'll have breastmilk until 10 months and then another half a month or more of pumped breastmilk and then formula for another month and a half or so. And we are working on more vegetables! He loves, loves, loves to try just about anything on our spoons. He likes lasagna, but spaghetti noodles feel weird to him. We've talked extensively about food allergies and we pretty much all agree that he has them..or at least sensitivity. The thing is that unless his reactions (which are now pretty much slight rashes) are serious, the APP doesn't recommend withholding the food. New studies on allergies in infants are coming out right and left saying that they'll have allergies or not...so it's a matter of managing what is given based on reaction. Our problem is that he has such sensitive skin, it's hard to tell if he is reacting to something or someone breathed on him the wrong way, so for now, his pediatricians, dermatologist and allergists all are ok with him trying whatever he is interested in and watching for reaction. Food allergies were HORRID for me...so I pray he's spared!

Ok. Too much rambling and the boy is up. I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday just to do this and now he's up and we're starting another fun day. Can't wait!

Here are some more pictures of the last few weeks!

He loves his Dixie Belle!

Humoring mom with some crawling!

I'm in trouble this hat season because the boy knows how to take them off. And does so. Quickly!

Hard at work!

Loves his bath bubble machine!

No sippy cups for him. Straws, please. Only. Even sippy cups with straws aggravate him because of the valve. He loves his juice boxes!

Mom might have gotten a bit out of hand with the big circle for 9 months!