I know, I know, I know, I KNOW we are told not to be afraid.
I know it is futile to worry about things out of our control.
I know that stress and anxiety steal joy.
But I am afraid.
All the time. Every day. Every second.
I am afraid that something terrible is going to happen to Luke or John and I just.can't.bear the thought of picking out another casket.
That said, (and before any judgement on why I am not being faithful, a good Christian, being pessimistic, etc.,)—————
I work very, very, very hard to LIVE as if I am NOT afraid. When Matthew died, I made a strongly purposed decision to not let fear guide my life. I would NOT let fear dictate my decisions or steal anything more than had already been stolen. When pregnant with Luke, I refused to let terror or fear overshadow my joy. When pregnant with Trey, same thing.
Outcomes different, but my attitude the same.
Afraid I may have felt, but BOLD AND BRAVE was how I chose to live.
I still make that choice—the choice to live like I am not afraid—every single day. Every hour. Every minute.
Friends—it is NOT easy. As a Christian, I hear and sing songs and read words ALL.THE.TIME about not being afraid. Not being anxious. Relying on God to rescue and heal and save.
I, without question, believe He does. A lot.
But I know, within the depths of my soul, that I could sing and read those words every day of the week and twice on Sundays and I will still be afraid.
Because when you've been on the end of Him not rescuing...not saving...not healing????
You know that every situation has two outcomes, regardless of how much you pray and beg and plead.
We all have to make our peace. I've made mine with God. I know that trusting Him and having faith does not always mean the outcome will be the one I want. I know that hearing "No." on a job offer or state to move to or relationship to pursue is VERY different than hearing, "No, your children will not live." and while it's not mine to compare grief and loss, I feel like God and I are at a good place of understanding.
I understand that I will never know, and He knows that I will never understand.
So I don't ask. There's no point in it for me. I believe in a God who is good and bad things that happen do not take away from His goodness.
The gratitude I have for the privilege of raising Luke is a constant, constant reminder of His grace.
And I am afraid—because I know that His being good and faithful doesn't mean that bad, horrible things don't happen. Won't happen. To me or to loved ones. The thoughts terrify me because I know pain that I don't ever want to experience again.
But I choose to LIVE unafraid.
Tomorrow, I have surgery for my sinuses. I am excited to finally have a few months sinus infection free, but more, to have a few days of drug-induced, mandatory sleep! My eyes tell the tale of my insomnia, and even though I guess I am 'middle-aged,' I don't love looking so tired all the time. "Allergy eyes" don't help.
I saw the breast surgeon a few hours ago. I left with the option to remove my right breast. The gist of the consult was that I have, based on some physical findings and risk factors (family history and IVF), close to 30% chance of acquiring breast cancer. I could be continue to be vigilant, watch the lumps I have closely and be on the look-out for more, or I could remove the breast altogether and not worry about developing cancer and possibly leaving Luke motherless.
Who says stay-at-home-moms don't make exciting decisions?
I asked the very respected doctor several questions, mainly whether or not removing a breast would be silly or radical and overreacting. He did not think so, on any account. To paraphrase his words, I am a young woman with a lot of living to do and a young child to raise. Taking the elevated chance of cancer away is a big decision, but one he'd certainly respect and suggest. He's left the decision in my hands, and I'm at a loss.
The odds of Matthew's IVF cycle being successful were 31%. Luke's? 28%. Trey's? 23% Odds of miscarrying Trey when I did? 1:300. Matthew dying from vasa previa complications? 1:10,000. Him having one normal kidney and one pelvic kidney? 1:10,000.
I've been 1:4 twice. I've been 1:3 three times. 1:300 once. 1:10,000 once.
I am good at being the one.
The one no one wants to be, that is.
I have more scans and more discussion March 5. I think I will also seek a 2nd opinion, though honestly, this is not really surprising news. I was a bit surprised it was confirmed, but expected it as a possibility. After the next appointment and second opinion, I guess I'll make a decision.
I do not want to make a decision based on the fear of getting cancer. But, I don't want to wonder every day if that's the day that will change my life.
Totally off-topic? That's a cape I got to wear this morning. Seriously. A cape???? Luke was sooooooo jealous!