Monday, May 6, 2013

Right There...

Luke is a pretty decent sleeper and I am grateful.  He still wakes a couple of times in the night very briefly, looks for his boppy (paci) and/or tells his voice-activated projector/noise machine to come on by saying, "Ooooooohhhhhhhhh fissssssshhhhhhhiiiiiiiieeeeees!" and then goes right back to sleep.  I only know this all because I still rely on the monitors as my best friends each night.

Tonight, he did the same and as he sat in his crib sleepily, feeling around for his boppy, I decided I wanted to snuggle him.  I normally don't go in so he can settle back himself, but tonight I did.

He was sleepy and snuggly.  I asked if he wanted me to rock him in his chair and he said, "Uh huh," in his sweet little voice so I gratefully took him in my arms and sat down.

I rocked him...snuggled him closely to me remembering how little he used to be in my arms and how much of a little boy he now feels.  I thought about buying the chair in which we were sitting...dreaming of using it to rock Matthew...calculating how we'd have to move it out of Luke's room and into the new baby's room.

Another baby who'd never sit in it.

I held Luke close.  Reflected on how different he is from that tiny baby.  Thought about how he looks EXACTLY like he is supposed my heart and my mind couldn't see him looking any differently than exactly as he does.

But that is surprising to me because he and Matthew favored each other so, so much as newborns.  Even 28 months, I look at Luke and instantly am struck with how much he looks like the pictures I have of Matthew.
This was  when Luke was about 8 months. I was watching him sleep and just overwhelmed with how much he reminded me of this picture of Matthew.

But Luke looks nothing like I picture Matthew.  I still picture him as a newborn, really, most of the time because that's the only point of reference I really have.  But when I allow myself to think about it a minute...picture what a 3.5 year old Matthew would look like...he looks nothing like Luke except they both have my brown eyes and my mother's and grandmother's chins.

Matthew has dark brown, wavy hair.  His skin is even more olive like mine than Luke's is.  He is thinner than Luke (probably would have been a cruddy eater too!) and taller.  Longer and leaner but with his daddy's long arms like Luke has.

And then I blink again and he's gone.  It's Luke.  I only get Luke. And there are no words to express my gratitude for him.

He feels delicious in my arms.  In this quiet, dark time with just the two of us, I hold him tightly and sing to him for all three of them.  He doesn't know any differently than his Mama is hugging him and loving him like she always does.

But for a minute...his brothers are with me in him.
Right there.


  1. very fitting post for International Baby Loss mothers day.. I am so glad your heart was filled with your boys and the one in your arms. Much love to you....

  2. What a sweet tender moment. :)
    Sometimes when my son is sleeping, I just go in and hold him tight.

  3. how is it that you always make poetry out of the unspoken thoughts of my heart? i do the same thing.... i wonder if they can hear my heart in heaven?

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