Monday, December 10, 2012

"Sins" Of The Mother...

I have been pretty sappy these days.

Ha ha.

Even more than usual, I mean.

I am just loving every single day with Luke this season.  I make sure I always have dollar bills so every where we go, and there is a Salvation Army ringer, I give him money (which he immediately tries to shove down his collar—aka, his "Pocket") and then we go to the ringer and I help him put money into the bucket...telling him, "Jesus wants us to give money to friends who need help for His birthday."

He's at the point now where when he sees the ringer, he says, "Jesus?"

Melt my heart.

The other night, we were sitting on the sofa in the dark in front of our lit tree and asking Luke what different things were.  "O-Man,"  "Ambbie," (lambie), "Urtle" (turtle), etc...I pointed to an ornament with Matthew's picture and said, "Who is that?" and he said, "Maf-few."

Then he kept saying it, "Maf-few, Maf-few, Maf-few.  Ee-sus.  Ee-sus." (Jesus).

Again, my heart melts so much these days.

Of course, it aches too.  It's still hard to hear "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!" on the radio.  It was not that long ago that I wanted to shrivel up and die during this "Wonderful time."  The other morning, in church, our pastor was talking about the Christmas Eve services coming up and how they would be.

For a moment, I was taken back to three years ago.  Not even a month had passed since we'd lost Matthew, and I stuffed myself into a skirt to go to Christmas Eve service.  It was the first time I'd been back at church, and I was grateful that the place was so packed there was no way for friends to really come and hover around.  For the most part, it was just sympathetic glances and silent hugs...appropriate words simply not known and honestly, not known how to accept.

And the snow....everyone loved the snow.

Everyone but me.

Anyway, John's impending departure is rapidly approaching.  Too quickly.

I just got Luke's eval report from his therapist.

I should preface with the fact that every time I walk into that office, I thank God that our 'issues' are ours, and not the issues of others.  I realize that much of the stuff we work on in therapy with Luke are things that many people don't give a second thought to...consider quirky or a phase and think, "Whatever...he'll eat when he's hungry."

Except, he won't.

And I know firsthand because I don't.

I do not always eat when I am hungry.  In fact, more often than not, I eat a meal and a half a day and somewhat snack or drink water for the rest of the day.  I'd not even really consider my 'snacking' much at all.

I am not an eater. I never have been.  I was allergic to most everything growing up.  Dairy/wheat/corn and all products thereof?  Off the shelf.

I was not picky.  I just couldn't eat much of anything because if I did, I'd end up in the hospital with an asthma attack.

I WANTED to eat.  I would 'sneak' cheese.  I LOVE cheese.  Love it.  I wanted to eat a lot of things.

I just couldn't.  Wholefoods wasn't around then and my choices were limited.  Habits were formed.

And stick.  Just the other day I was thinking about how healthy I always am in I was soo healthy with Matthew and Luke, and even with Trey, couldn't help but catch the bugs that Luke brought me.  It dawned on me that I was super healthy because I was SUPER vigilant about making sure I was eating as nutritionally sound as I could.  Most days, I was forcing myself, I admit, but I was not going to take a bit of nutrition away from my growing babies.

So, imagine how much it hurt my heart to read these words, "Luke has very, very limited interest in food and poor recognition of hunger throughout the day.  Further, he curbs his hunger.  Though visibly hungry, he will without fail, refuse foods, often times even food he has previously shown interest in."

And these words, "Luke has difficulty with change and is apprehensive of new situations.  Although caution with new situations is common to see in children Luke's age, he is hyper vigilant for his age, which is impacting his function in various environments, particularly with food selection."

Like mother, like son.

When John came home, I cried and cried.  Reading it, I said, "Sound familiar?  Sound familiar?"

People have a hard time believing it, but really, I am a hermit.

I am.

I am not a fan of new situations, I very much dislike change and am often hyper vigilant in far more situations than I should be.

I choose to be a 'people person.'  While being a social butterfly used to be my natural inclination, as I've gotten older, I have become far more introverted.  After we lost Matthew, my desire for that introversion grew stronger and stronger and to this day, is always my first instinct.

It's cuhhhh-raaazzy how much we pass to our children.

Obviously, I know I can't change wiring.  Further, I know his anxiety about things is not just from his mommy.  Daddy's side of the family has it's fair share of anxiety, and frankly, we are ALL pretty successful and functional adults!

I'm certainly not worried about Luke having social anxiety issues (he goes outside, hears neighborhood kids playing and says, "Kids? Kids??"...and he's starting to play with kids more at school than play alongside them).  When he goes to school or church, after the obligatory, "Mama, I miss you!" he's fine.  When I go to pick him up, actually, he throws a fit!  He doesn't WANT to leave!

While he may not like change or new situations, he very, very quickly eases into them and warms up well, so, like his mama, he chooses to bloom where he's planted regardless.

I'm thankful.

I just hate that some of the things I've battled with in life seem to already be manifesting in such a baby.

He's so little still.

I'm keeping a detailed log the food he eats.  It's ridiculous.

Thank God for whole milk, dairy and good supplements is all I have to say.



  1. I'm a lover of "living in the bubble." I seriously could stay inside all day and have nothing to do with anyone at all. I like nighttime. Maybe, so I'm alone when I go shopping- no one can bother me? I really love people-love them, but get so overwhelmed when it's longer than a few minutes. I was never like this, until the loss of Isaiah. I guess deep down, I wanted to feel as happy as them, and like I was a whole person, without a piece missing in my life. I don't want it "rubbed" in my face. None of it is done maliciously, it's just who I am now. I choose to better myself every day God gives me, but it can be very difficult. Thank you for opening up with pieces of your personal life.... you never know whom it may help.

  2. In addition to possible food aversion, I hope that he gets your unfailing courage, profound faith and unwavering love. Not to mention knack for writing, gift at making a stranger feel like a friend...

    "Like mother, like son"?!.... Lucky boy!!!

  3. This broken world is full of...well brokenness. It is so hard as a mom to watch our precious children, develop, one by one the quirks that are a result of our brokenness...the world's brokenness. We want life to go smoothly...perfectly for them. I have more to share with you, but will email later. Please know...I am feeling your mama heart. And...there is grace and beauty...even in this.

  4. Thanks for sharing. My son also has dairy/corn/soy and maybe gluten allergies. Eating for him is not the happy thing it should be because so many things make him feel sick. He is anxious too, and it breaks my heart to see him struggle. I write about some of our food struggles on my blog under the label "Foody Friday." I'd love to hear what works with Luke. So he didn't get your dairy allergy?

  5. Thank you for bearing your heart. My own life so echoes yours - food allergies, asthma, fear of people. I WOULD sneak cheese and chocolate and, today, consequently, I use food to comfort me.

    I KNOW that Luke will gain many, many things from you - like spunky-ness, love, faith and determination!

  6. I've always known you to be so social! Since you've left the area, I don't see this other side of you. Food allergies are the pits! I never knew you had so many growing up! We often reflect are the crummy traits we've passed to our children too. Why do we recognize those so easily and not the awesome traits they've inherited? As he grows, may God reveal the awesome side of Luke:) I hope he gets a lot more of your traits:)

  7. I find it interesting that so many of us who have lost a child become introverted. I've become a much more unaffectionate homebody since losing the twins.

    I will add Luke's "issues" to my prayer list, momma!

  8. I've always been an extrovert, but over the IF journey years I've found myself more and more introverted. I have to make a conscious effort to stay connected with people and all too often I don't answer the phone or "can't" do something. It's strange as most people don't see it, but I know it's there! Sending love and prayers for Luke's food stuff!