Brave

So...I'm doing a new Bible study at our church. It's weird to say our church, because it WAS our church for years before we moved to Maryland and joined 'our' church. Since we've moved, we've left 'our' church, and have been re-attending 'our' church and will rejoin 'our' church in the next few weeks. Moral of that paragraph? We are blessed to have been and be part of amazing church families...in Maryland and in North Carolina. 'Our' church exists in a few states, and we are so grateful.

This study, Brave, by Angela Thomas, is AMAZING. Seriously. In the last two weeks I've been doing it, I really feel like God has been talking to me in some heavy-duty ways. I realized last week that I've been worn out...just exhausted...and it's been grief.

This week...discussing suffering thorns...yep, spoke volumes to me too. Mostly, the last part of the last day screamed at me: "What if our thorns are a part of God's perfect plan for me?" "Can we trust in God's perfect ways even though we bear thorns?"

The surface answer, for me, if I am honest, is, "Ummm...no. Had all that trust in you before, God, and look what happened." If I am honest, up until this last few weeks, my trust has been that no matter what the consequences of life are, I'll survive...and that God gives me the grace and mercy and ability to do so.

But trust God? Like, trust what He actually plans and does? Not so much.

Because sometimes, those things HURT. Unbearably. Who wants that? Who wants to trust in that happening? Easier to just trust that you survive life's events with His help.

But not per His plan. Because that would mean that His plan meant Matthew was going to die. Matthew was destined to die. He allowed me to suffer 11 years of infertility and then gave me a perfect and wonderful little boy who was DESTINED TO DIE.

I've struggled with that for one year, nine months and twenty-three days.

Still struggle.

But am giving it to God and telling Him, "Yes. I can trust you."

Which is something I've not been able to say in a long, long time.

There's a lot going on in our lives. Too much to write about and yet, I probably should because I'll want to remember. Or not.

Instead, here are some pictures of my sweet, sweet boy. He got bitten by a mosquito last week that literally had me in tears calling the doctor because after three days, he still looked horrible...it was his first black eye, because of a mosquito! We'll be addressing that with the doctor.

Within a minute of being bitten, he started to swell...about the size of a quarter! Then, over the next day, it turned into a shiner...this is him on the downside...

He also went on a small, but devastating to mama, nursing strike. We're working our way back to normal.

And that boy's eyes are BROWN. I love it. Both my boys have their mama's eyes.

He's always thinking!!!

Cookies are GOOD! (An organic vanilla teething biscuit...he LOVED IT!)

Cried when I took it!

Dixie came and made him feel better!

From our first playdate!! He wasn't sure of the swing!

Won our game Saturday, woohoo! (No, not WAHOO!)

Digs prunes too...thought he'd just suck it but he shoved the whole thing! I took it and broke it up, of course!

Getting some hair, finally! (LOVE that sweet swirl!!!)

Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Study

When Matthew died, I was lost. Just lost.

I was alone, even though there were literally hundreds of people emailing and calling and sending cards and basically offering to me (and John) anything we could possibly think of needing.

I felt like it was John and me...we were the only ones in the world who knew what losing Matthew felt like.

We were.

But we weren't the only parents who had ever lost a baby. Sadly, in a few minutes of searching on the computer, I found out that there were SO MANY babies who left their parents far too soon. More specifically, there were several mothers who wrote about and shared their experiences and I can not express how grateful for that openness I was.

I wasn't alone any more. There were others who shared similar experiences and were asking the same questions and feeling the same things I was. I found some of them on a wonderful website called Hannah's Prayer. This is a Christian site for infertility, but as so many of us who have suffered infertility know, pregnancy loss is often part of the road traveled. On this site, I came across Heather...and was SO grateful for her blog and her story and just her ability to share and to support. She and Julie were putting together an amazing outreach program through Grieve Out Loud, and I joined their team--looking for support and to be supportive. What a blessing that has been! I also came across, through Heather, Katy and all she does In Hannah's Honor. Again, such a blessing of resources from those women--mainly in the blogs and stories of others who I could relate to and who related to me.

And then...I became part of the Anchored By Hope Bible studies...The Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy study that was specifically designed for pregnancy loss. Each week, I'd do the study questions and scriptures and then share with several other women every Sunday night.

I can't explain how the fellowship and support of this Bible study helped me through so many, many rough days. I had to ask and answer questions I didn't necessarily want to, and I was able to hear the heartache and healing of others as we all processed the "New Normals" we were living. I got so much out of the study, I took it again right after the first one was over...I just needed to continue to be supported in my questions and thoughts, as well as the fellowship that comes from being in a group of those who TRULY get it.

I know the answers and insights and support from those women and those sessions truly were what enabled me to come to a place where I could function every day with hope...hope for reuniting with Matthew, hope for being able to smile again one day and really mean it, hope for the joy of another child...just hope. It is a very aptly named ministry. More, it reminded me that even in those very days that I felt alone....I wasn't.

I am honored to be able to lead the spring study, which will start on March 6, 2011. If you are interested, or know someone who may be, please have them go to the Anchored By Hope page and fill out the information to join. There are only a few spaces left, but there will be another study in the summer as well if this one fills up. One can participate with a phone or video through Skype. The sessions will be on Sunday evenings, from 6-8 EST.

I have to say, I am just grateful for the opportunity, and grateful for the amazing blessings this ministry provides. As ever, just grateful.

I'm waiting too....

So, I'm just going to put it out there. I've been very, very aggravated with the story of Job since Matthew died.

And if I'm really honest, a little aggravated with God's mentality (or what I believed it to be) in the whole resolution and ending of Job's story.

Because while there are many lessons learned, pieces of wisdom and insight to be gleaned and comfort found (although I admit, still some questions!)...one thing has just really, really bothered me.

At the end...when Job's faithfulness is 'rewarded' and he is 'doubly blessed', I've been aggravated with the notion that everything he lost doubled and some new children could make it all better. More specifically, he lost seven sons and three daughters...and getting seven new sons and three new daughters was supposed to be a reward? Like those children were just replaceable with seven new sons and three new daughters?

I've often thought, "No wonder Job's wife felt like cursing God. Her babies were gone and she thought God did it." I don't believe that's the way to go about it, but I have to admit I could sure see her perspective.

So anyway...I've not been happy with the resolution of seven new sons and three new daughters. They don't replace those first children, nor could the space in Job's heart or his wife's heart be filled with 'new children'.

I had a CASA meeting tonight and was driving home. I had the radio on and it was XM station 170, Family Talk. It was some preacher, and I didn't necessarily recognize his voice. I listened mindlessly for a few minutes (long day!) and then decided I'd put some music on. So right as I was about to turn the channel, I heard the guy say something about death and the book of Job. I stopped for a second and he went on to further say that for anyone who's ever lost a loved one, and more specifically, a child, the book of Job should present problems at first. Well...I was hooked. And listened. He said that if we paid attention, all the stuff Job had in chapter one was replaced and in double the quantity by the end of Job. All but the children. I'd never actually paid attention to the number of children Job was again given, if I think about it. I just knew he'd been given more children and somehow life was good again. So, the guy goes on and says, "If you have ever lost a child, this should bother you. Children are not replaceable."

I teared up.

He then noted that we had to dig a bit deeper, though and note the significance. Job received seven more sons and 3 more daughters--NOT 14 more sons and 6 more daughters, as would fit the double blessing recipe.

Why not? Everything else was returned and he was doubly blessed. Why not the children too?

Because, just as this guy said...children are NOT replaceable. Job WAS doubly blessed with children...it's just that the first seven sons and three daughters were waiting for him in Heaven and his 'double blessing portion' of children, if you will, was there on earth with him now.

He *was* doubly blessed with children...but half were just waiting in Heaven for him.

As my Matthew waits for me.

And oh, my sweet Matthew....mommy waits for you.

I too have been doubly blessed...with one in Heaven waiting for me and one inside me kicking around for more ice cream.

There are no coincidences, friends. That random man's words were meant just for me.

Maybe for you too?

What's in a name?

Sometimes it is hard to trust God. At least for me it is.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be able to say, "I don't understand ________ but it's one of those questions I'll ask God when I get there," and I'd be-pop on my way.

When Matthew died, it got hard to trust Him. Not necessarily Him and what happens, but that He's good, all the time.

I know, I know...that makes me a very, very bad Baptist. It's sort of ingrained that when someone says, "God is good," the automatic response is, "All the time."

Since Matthew died, I have had NO trouble believing that things were going to be the way they were going to be and I really didn't have much say in it....but that God was good ALL THE TIME was hard for me.

I didn't think He was all that good at 1:26 am on November 29, 2009.

My daily (often multiple times during the day) prayer is that I get back to a place where I can just say AND believe that God is good all the time. I remember not too long after Matthew died begging God for that belief...telling Him that I could even handle Matthew being gone for now if I could just believe in the GOODNESS of God again...not just His existence or His power...His GOODNESS.

It can't be based on what my heart says or even what I feel. It just has to be a conscious choice. It'd sure be nice to feel it too, though.

The choice to believe has been very hard for me. I don't know how I can be able to put God being good all the time with Matthew being dead...all the time. So most days, I just praise God for every blessing I have, and beg Him to bring to me the faith that I feel I once had.

Today was an amazing day. We had our ultrasound with our beloved Dr. Sweeney (brought homemade banana pudding, minus Grandma's extra ingredient: rum) and baby was MOVING! Wiggly, wiggly, WIGGLY! The sono tech was laughing because again, she was trying to get the heartbeat and that little one was just hopping all over the screen. Wiggling and waving hands and legs. I loved it! Heartrate was 146 (when she could finally get it) and baby was measuring right on target. I'm 14 weeks today and one measurement was 13w6d and another was 14w2d, so just perfect. My placenta is a little low-lying, but it's very early right now so that isn't a big deal and even if it stayed that way the whole pregnancy, it's not a huge deal because I'll be a c-section.

We were very excited to confirm (or deny) what was predicted two weeks ago--that wiggler was a girl. The sono tech was looking and looking as we told her what Dr. Sweeney had said last time and she said, "Well...I think he might have been wrong! Looks like a boy to me, but we'll see what he says."

So, when he came in, we were all quiet seeing what his guess was. He looked, and looked, and looked some more. He had a very perplexed look on his face and then he said, "Gosh, I guess it's a boy, huh?!

It sure is!

He then said, "That's not what I said last time, is it?"

"Nope," I told him.

"This kid just sprouted out at me!"

A BOY! Another precious little boy!!!! I was so, so excited to be a boy mom...and now I'm a mom to TWO boys! Two heavy duty movers (though I have to say that this one seems to be even more active than Matthew!!!) and shakers.

At one point, the baby was scratching his head! He had his little hand over his head and you could see his little fingers actually scratching his head...sort of like he was wondering what the heck was going on!

I'm so thrilled to say my son's name is Luke. His name is Samuel Luke, but we will call him Luke. Another thing he'll share in common with his brother...going by his middle name. Even though I'd been feeling girl, when thinking of boys' names, and deciding on Samuel Luke, I began to feel maybe boy because there was just such purpose and meaning behind his name.

When we first tried again after Matthew died, and we contemplated a successful pregnancy, we wondered about what boy name we'd give. My son had always been Matthew, and honestly, I hadn't thought of other boy names. I had loved Andrew when I was in high school and college, but that just wasn't screaming at me now.

What screamed at me, in that discussion, was Luke. I had a student several years ago named Luke...the sweetest, smartest young man...I just loved the name Luke. I asked John what he thought and he said, "I like that." I looked it up and found it meant "light". When I told John this, he said, "Maybe he'll be a baby that brings us out of this darkness and into light."

Sold. IF we got pregnant and IF we had another boy, he was Luke.

Two days before we took our beta test, I was feeling pretty low. I was actually feeling pretty low the whole week. I just didn't feel like it was going to be successful. I got the most amazing phone call from my "This one she will keep" friend.

She told me that she'd been doing her Bible study that day and had been praying for us. She was going over the story of Hannah and was marveling at how much I reminded her of Hannah...begging God for a child, being faithful through trial...promising the Lord my son. She knew I knew the story of Hannah, as did she, and she said she dug deeper into the story of Hannah's precious and promised son, Samuel....the child for which she'd prayed. She noted how many times the Lord called Samuel, and how many times it took Samuel to finally respond...she said she counted five in her reading and kept stressing this to me. At first, I was like, "Ok...I get it...the Lord called Samuel several times before he answered...what are you getting at?" She then said, "Lori, I had to go back and look at your blog, but just like the Lord called Samuel five times, He called your Matthew." Matthew had to be resuscitated 5 times and finally, he answered the Lord's call.

So, obviously, I am crying. A lot at this point. As she continued talking, I googled Samuel to find out what it meant. Samuel: God Heard. Variants: Requested of God.

She told me that the purpose of telling me all of that was not to upset me but to remind me of Hannah's promise from God--for her faithfulness, He promised to enlarge her territory and to bless her womb. My friend said she didn't know if it was Miney and Moe, but that she believed He'd promised to bless my womb as well and He doesn't lie.

Two days later, we got the call and were told we were again pregnant.

Samuel...we begged God and He heard and answered.

Samuel Luke. God heard our requests and gave us a light.

As if the miracle of this little boy is not in and of itself amazing, God was even more abundant today.

John had a night flight after our appointment, so I dropped him off because we were cutting it close. It began to rain a bit, nothing major (darnit!) as I dropped him off and drove away and as I adjusted my seat and mirrors, I also changed the radio station (back from whatever John was listening to).

33Miles 'There Is A God' came on.

Plant a seed and see
what comes out of the ground
Find the heartbeat on your baby's ultrasound
In a few years hear it laughing,
and don't it sound like a song?

There is a God
There is a God
There is a God
How much proof do you need?

As I sat in that mostly empty parking lot, marveling at the miracle of another healthy baby boy, I found it so fitting that that song came on. In my head, I thought, "Gosh, the only thing I am missing now is a rainbow!"

I could NOT believe what I saw when I turned my head slightly to the left.



An amazing, amazing rainbow. I got out of the car and took pictures and then got in the car and just broke down and thanked God for His goodness.

And do you know what song came on RIGHT AFTER THAT? Steven Curtis Chapman's 'Beauty Will Rise'. Seriously.

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

Right then I knew it. I didn't have to understand it. In fact, I don't think I ever will.

But God was telling me that even though my mind can't understand how it can be, God IS good. All the time.

And I can believe it.

Here are some pictures of our precious second son, Luke:

Yeah, that's what you think it is....

This reminds me so much of Matthew...

I have a "lemme outta here" picture like this of Matthew too!

This is him scratching his sweet little head!

Rimble-Ramble...

That's preeetttty much what I feel like is going on in my head (and my heart)....rimble-ramble.

To the (obvious) point that words that aren't really words keep popping to the surface of my mind or my tongue and that's just how I'm rolling these days.

Really, I guess...I'm angry.

Any time people ask me about anger or studies talk about anger or counselors discuss effective ways to deal with anger, I sort of think in my head (and sometimes say out loud), "I'm not really that angry."

And honestly, I haven't been.

Heartsick, devastated, broken, crushed, disappointed, betrayed, confused, aimless...the list goes on and on...

But angry hasn't really been on it.

Why? With or at whom would I be angry? God? I know people are and absolutely I understand why--and I believe without a doubt that He understands this anger as well.

It just never seemed productive to ME--anger in general doesn't really seem productive for me. It makes me more miserable than the person or circumstance with which I am angry, and I know myself (and my genes) well enough to know that I am a grudge-holder of epic proportions. Knowing this, and knowing that I am also driven by guilt (my own and that of others' given to me in the form of never-ending trips)...I just really tried from the start of my life without Matthew to not allow myself to be angry.

In my Bible study, I even said I WISHED I could get angry because I was just too heartbroken to be much of anything but that...heartbroken. At least with anger, I am more motivated to do something--to right the wrong; fight the fight...funnel emotion into finding the justice.

There are some situations in life, though, where that's just not possible.

That's what the last few days have been like--situation after situation after situation where I just can't get over the INJUSTICE. The lack of equity. The sheer UNFAIR factor in life.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I can NOT stand injustice. I am the perpetual fighter of the underdog and John and I often even bicker sometimes because I feel compelled to fight the fights that need fighting--whether they are mine to fight or not.

The funny thing about this intense drive is that I am also the first person to say, "Life is not fair...never has been." I have a career's worth of children who will tell you, "Life's not fair...if it was, Mrs. Ennis would be tall, rich and blond," or "We all have our crosses to bear...Mrs. Ennis is short and she deals with it, so you can deal with _________."

Yes, children pay attention to EVERYTHING you say.

My point is that I think I hate the fact that life is not fair because I so strongly know that LIFE IS NOT FAIR and there's nothing that can be done about it.

In the last week, three women I have come to know and love and been honored to follow their story have lost their babies. THREE. All three have suffered so much in loss before...all three have been SO hopeful for their new, restored joy and the reminder of what a bit of happiness and hope feel like.

And all three have been crushed. Again. And are so honorable and valiant in their attitude about it all right now.

But I'm angry. Very, very angry. This morning, as I read the precious words of one, I was just SO reminded of the hours in the hospital with Matthew...telling everyone it was going to be ok...feeling a little ashamed of myself for the melodrama of it all because I KNEW he was going to be ok...I had more faith than I've ever had in my entire life about anything and I KNEW that faith would be rewarded....we were surrounded in prayer by so many people all over the world...and I felt SO betrayed in my faith when John told me he was dying.

Those feelings are really rearing their head again in these last few days.

We had a wonderful long holiday weekend. My niece and nephews and family came out and we had several glorious days on the boat in lovely weather. We played games and had great food (more chicken than I care to remember) and there was chaos in the dogs and the kids and I loved EVERY . SINGLE . SECOND of it.

My sweet little niece at one point even said with pure glee, "Could this day get any better?"

And it was all I could do not to cry...because it just reminded me that as wonderful and glorious and fun those days with family were...someone was missing. A sweet little boy who had an adorable little 4th of July outfit in a tub in the basement--never to be worn. It was a little white overall outfit with light blue pinstripes and a sweet little appliqued red crab waving a flag and firecrackers. I remembered being on that very same boat in the very same water last year and taking pictures and videos so Matthew would always remember his very 1st 4th of July...and as I sat there this year, I desperately prayed that his little brother or sister would not only have one 4th of July....

I got home on the 4th in the evening and checked the computer because I'd not been on it much with the family in town...and I just couldn't believe what was going on...

Everyone went to bed and before I did, I went in Matthew's room and sat in his chair with his little monkey and just cried. Cried for me, cried for those women...cried for all of us who are hurting and won't ever have any more days that couldn't get any better...

And I'm angry. It's not fair and I hate it. I hate that we weren't promised fair. I hate that we weren't promised our earnest faith would yield the results for which we pray. I hate that this life is hard. I hate that it's full of trials. I hate that it doesn't make sense and I hate that hearts can hurt as much as they do.

So I just remember and replay in my head the Natalie Grant song, "Held"...

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held.

Safe In His Arms...

These last few weeks have been very emotional. Last week was Matthew's half birthday--which is why I wanted to make sure I wrote his birth story and John wrote about his life and death--so we could remember. I had always planned that since Matthew had a late November birthday, we'd have to celebrate his half-birthday so the poor boy would get to have a pool party or something fun and summery and not a dreary, cold and crazy-time-of-year party where kids probably wouldn't even be able to come to birthday parties and not a lot of outdoor options.

Last week was very hard. I have a therapist I speak with by phone once a month and just love. Last week was the first time we talked since I'd found out I was pregnant and so we were talking about that. She herself has suffered a 2nd-trimester miscarriage, so she can really understand a lot of what I deal with. We talked about how it was suggested (by someone else) that to take my mind off of things, perhaps I should focus on the new baby's room.

Thank God for this woman. She said, "Lori...dear Lord. I lost my dog two years ago and it took me a year before I could take his little bed out of the kitchen. I CANNOT imagine how you must be feeling as you contemplate what you need to do with Matthew's room and whether or not it is a nursery or Matthew's room."

She gets it. It IS Matthew's room. It is not just a nursery for an unknown baby. A new coat of paint and new bedding will not make that room anything different than what it is--MATTHEW'S ROOM. Maybe had he lived, and we had another baby, we'd have moved him into another big boy room and we'd have redone Matthew's room to be a nursery again, but that's just not how it is.
It's Matthew's room and I'm not ready for it to be anything else.

More, Linda reminded me that I'm in a really, really unique and tough position. Losing Matthew only happened 6 months ago...I am still deeply grieving the loss of my precious, precious boy.

At the same time, I am pregnant again...and trying to build another relationship with a precious, precious brother or sister.

To do both at the same time is hard.

Very, very hard.

And it's not just another relationship I am trying to build--for that just naturally comes along when a mother realizes she's carrying a sweet little life. It's the fear and the sheer terror I have that something is going to happen to this little life that I am already so in love with.

I know too much.

I've seen too much.

I've had too much happen.

The counselor that John and I see weekly talked to me last week and said, "You act as if you expect you may not bring this baby home."

Yep. I may not.

She then went on to say, "Well...what about your faith, though?"

And I said, "What about it?"

Because really, what about it? My faith doesn't mean that I get what I want. My faith doesn't allow me to just name it and claim it.

Crisis and tragedy are often the catalysts for one's faith being tried and defined. I am certainly no exception.

My faith is still being tried and defined, but I have had some proofs given to me thus far.

My faith assures me that I will survive. Whatever happens, I will survive. I am being held and am not alone.

Someone commented the other day that they didn't know how John or I put each foot in front of the other.

It's certainly not us doing it. This is how my faith has been proven. It's only through the grace of God that we breathe...we continue to walk and eat and survive.

I'm praying that my faith will allow me to cherish every second of this sweet baby's life...no matter how long it may be.

But I'm human and am still scared. In Sunday School a few weeks ago, we talked about how many like to claim that the safest place to be is at the center of God's will.

There's no doubt that Christ was at DEAD CENTER of God's will...and I dare anyone to read of what crucifixions were like and then tell me that was safe. It was not.

The glory in that is that He ultimately survived. And that's putting it mildly.

So, when I have little fears (or big ones), I just stop myself from letting it get big and as a friend asked of me, I give it to God. Right there. When stressing about the heartbeat, in my head, I say, "God--take this from me right now." I do this about 4087 times a day.

One day I will share some of the amazing things God has given to me through the words and actions of various people. Right now, I just keep them close to my heart as I feel like they are special for mostly John and me--comforts and reassurances that are priceless to me.

Friday, one of these amazing people told me that she'd heard from God, "This one, she will keep."

So in addition to giving it to God right then and there, all weekend, when I stress, I say in my head, "This one, she will keep."

And as I've been doing this since Friday, it's helped. Like I said, I do that a billion times a day, but it helps.

And the obsessive song going through my head for the last 36 hours?

The chorus from Phil Wickham's song 'Safe'. Over and over and over. In my sleep and every time I wake up as I toss and turn.

"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"

I just know safe doesn't always mean safe in the way that I want it.

Well.

I really, really, really want to thank everyone who took a minute (or a few) to think about what I wrote and be thoughtful and compassionate in your comments. As I said, I really was just curious as to how people felt because these things have been weighing so heavily on my mind.

I'm glad to say that I was very encouraged by what my pastor had to say. (And not because I know he reads this!!!) and I got several emails and comments that showed encouragement as well. I read his comment; John read his comment and we both immediately agreed that we knew exactly why we go to church where we go.

What I guess I've feared in saying one belief is right and therefore one belief must be wrong is that as he said, there's a lot of tension between both theologies...like I said, there's strong scriptural support for each 'side' of belief. So, my fear has been that I do not like muddy waters (and not just because I am a germaphobe. Sort of.) in anything, CERTAINLY not in a faith that guides my life on a daily basis. I am not a fan of relativism, and never been too fond of "What's right for you is right for you and what's right for me is what's right for me," because I think that basically makes the necessity for the word truth null and void. Not to mention is sort of dishonorable to the Truth I DO know.

So when people, whether they are the most devout Christians I've ever met or the strongest maintainers of different or not-at-all beliefs, tell me with authority what IS and what ISN'T, I want facts. I don't want what makes me feel better if it's NOT the truth. Even if the truth hurts, that's what I want. I don't want "feel-good" scripture, although I think there is a lot of it. I just can't put a lot of trust in someone who uses the Bible to swear to me that I simply need to name it and claim it...because the Bible DOES allow for that but also says that just isn't always the case. I can't make peace with a theology that is what I 'want' to believe just because it's comforting. Such a slippery slope....

BUT...I also don't think that there's a person on this planet who can say with authority that God DID do this or didn't, that God DIDN'T want this to happen or did. And THAT is scripturally based--
For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

None of us knows God's thoughts. None. We know of His character and we know of His love and we know of His Son and we know of what He wants of us and we know of what He offers us, but we do not and cannot and will not know His thoughts. On this earth. To be able to do so, is as Pastor Mark put it, to have God all figured out...or as Kristie put it, put God in a box that allows us to point fingers or carry around to comfort or simply to make peace with things. And, as she also reminded me of Job 40:8--when we presume we know what/why God did something and it was because He planned a sorrowful tragedy, we might be blaming HIM so we can justify ourselves. Again...so much of Job proves that we just don't know. And can't. And like Job, I'll back off trying to make sense of God and do my best to maintain my faith in Him...whatever the reasonings are.

So, actually, though I really appreciated each and every comment, the ones that resonated with me the most were the ones that said just that. We cannot know. And I was so honored and blessed with each comment because they truly ministered to my heart. My end take on it all is again, as Pastor Mark said....each comment was given in part...we all only know "In Part...THEN we shall know fully." (I Corinthians 13:12) I also very much agreed with Julie in that our children were given to us to glorify God. And for that, I will continue to try to do so.

So yesterday, when discussing THIS . VERY . TOPIC in Sunday School (Sorry, Bill...of ALL the days to be sitting right up there with you and the tears to not be able to stop, huh?!) I was SO comforted to be able to answer in reference to Paul talking of the trials they faced so we might not rely on ourselves but on God (II Corinthians 1:9) and whether or not that was God's design or the good that God works for all who love Him--the usage of suffering to draw us closer to Him--that we just don't know. Surely Paul got out of it that he suffered (tremendously, might I add) because God did it to bring Paul's reliance on God and not himself...and I can totally see that. I can also see that that could have been one of the many, many examples in the Bible that God is so amazingly able to use as He brings beauty of the ashes.

And the best part? As Holly said, it doesn't really matter because it doesn't make her love God any less. And such comfort in knowing that my mind seriously just can't know and therefore banging my head against every wall to KNOW is futile. And faith...blessed, sweet and full-of-hope faith is, as Andrea said, what I choose!

But....as my dear, sweet and faithful friend and I have been talking about, literally, on a weekly basis for the last 21 weeks, in times like this, the best thing to do is focus on what we can and DO know.

And I know this: God is. He is. If you, like me, are really wanting FACTS for that, I've got lots of books to share with you...I admit they are REALLY way over my head because they are science on the level of Stephen Hawking (who, by the way, said last night that if something happened, can't remember what, but if something happened, then we'd be able to see in the mind of God. Which I don't believe, BUT was interested to hear him say God. In a way that DIDN'T go with, "...doesn't exist.")....even John says the science that supports intelligent design makes him think, but that's such encouragement for me if these genius scientists continue to find more and more reason to believe He exists.

He is Love. Look at this world and the things created and tell me He's not. Look at the miracle He gave me and tell me He isn't.

Jesus Christ lived. Again, if you want archeological and historical facts for His life and death, then feel free to let me know and I'll be glad to share. I also wanted that.

History proves Him to be who He said He was.

And since He was who He said He was, He did what he said He did.

Which was to assure me of my place with my sweet Matthew one day.

So when so much else is incomprehensible and beyond reason, those things are enough.

I've had a post in my head for the last few days...for several weeks, through all this IVF stuff, I have heard a little Matthew in my head asking me, "Wasn't I enough? Didn't I make you a mother? Weren't you happy enough with me? Will you be happier with another? Will another be enough? What will be enough? Why won't you let me be enough?"

And then I realized I'd been hearing two voices for a while.
"Am I not enough? Didn't I make you a mother? Aren't you happy enough with Me? Will you be happier with another? Will another be enough? What will be enough? Why won't you let Me be enough?"

And I think we all know to whom the second voice belongs. I haven't actually written that post because I've been ashamed of my answer.

And still, I guess I am a little bit.

But this last post and all the comments led me to believe that there IS an enough. And His grace is sufficient. It has been so far, for 148 days, even though it didn't seem like it on each individual day. So I'll keep clinging to that. Maintaining my faith that we just don't and can't know all the answers, but I love that Missy shared someone telling her, "I don't know all the answers, but I know the One who does."


IN OTHER NEWS>>>>>>>Yes, there is some!!!!

I DID have the egg retrieval today. We got 16 eggs, which was surprising, but not so much considering I am now at risk of OHSS. My estrogen jumped from 1970 to 4241 overnight and essentially, I have a few other characteristics that make me high-risk for that, and I'm dreading it. It's not fun, had it before, and am really, really not looking forward to it because it's going to really sort of affect several things in the next few weeks. If I get pregnant from this cycle, it would only get worse...so, praying that it doesn't go there. My nurse said we may even get to a 5-day transfer because of how many we got, but we won't know much until tomorrow.

Whew. Off to the basement for a tornado warning. The weather report just said, "Lori, seriously...go downstairs now. For real." That Bob Ryan is so nice to me.

So, I'm going. Bob does know of what he speaks!

Heavy stuff today.

Today has been a rough day. Again we hear we are "on the fence" as for whether or not we will trigger, which means that this is still dragging out. One may read a lot about how "Slow and steady wins the race," but more IVF physicians than not will tell you "Not always," and in my case, that's the boat I'm racing in. So...not really thrilled with this morning's results. We had an appointment scheduled at the Apple store after so we can learn how to use this computer and apparently, I stink at using it so much that the appointment I scheduled on their website is for next week. (Maybe subconsciously I know this is going so slow I figured I'd be there in Annapolis again next week?) So, we at least caught 45 minutes of the Making the Switch workshop and that was helpful (although frustrating as all get-out because John does NOT pay attention and then asks questions that he'd have the answer to had he been paying attention and not playing with the computer) and headed back. My car SO knows the route. Oh, but in between, we walked around the mall a bit and then stopped at Matthew's favorite Chick-Fil-A and frankly, I just saw more strollers and cute little baby boys (and girls) than I could really handle today. Top that off with getting tricked into going to Lowe's so we could look at carpeting for the basement but spending another 40 minutes on other stuff, and suffice it to say I'm not in a rosy mood.

Maybe I'll look through my Pottery Barn Kids, my Babies R Us insert, my Similac coupon packets, my Gerber Life Insurance info or the Explanation of Benefits that stated yet ANOTHER procedure for Matthew was denied "Because your newborn was not added to this policy. Contact your administrator to add your newborn." Thanks, he's dead. No need.
All of the above, by the way, today's mail. And yesterday's. And the day's before. Thank God I get a reprieve on Sundays. I'm all about the mail only being a couple of days a week.

ANYWAY...I wanted to post this the other day because I'm very curious. I have been following Kristin since probably right after Matthew died, and defy you to look at the picture of Peyton where she's looking up and has her sweet little mouth open in somewhat of a little giggle and not cry at just how heartbroken you are that this earth doesn't get any more of that sweet face. The other day, I read through her comments about God. I was thoroughly intrigued. I didn't really have any sage advice to offer, other than I know simply because of the miracles that we had in our children God IS and does LOVE us.
I was interested in the comments because it seemed like there were two camps. Well, three if you count the camps that just didn't have a faith in God. The two camps I found interesting were the camps that came from those who do have faith and were trying to share it or their view.
And honestly, I was so glad to see that because it reinforced to me that I am NOT the only one in the world who is having a hard time finding solid ground on which to stand. I don't mean this in the way it sounds....I DO have solid ground. It's in the fact that there IS truth. But the why? and the how? and the shouldn't? and the doesn't? and the wouldn't? questions swirl around and really make me crazy.

So I thought I'd throw this out there too--and see what others think. She has a million and 8 people who read her blog, so I doubt that I'll get as many comments as she did, but I'm curious to see what even one person has to say.

And let me clearly state before I present the questions--I KNOW this is the stuff that different denominations are made of. Trust me. I've been spending a LOT of time seeing what different denominations believe. I KNOW these things are simply incomprehensible to human reasoning. I'm just wondering...

So, one camp is very clearly of the mindset that God did NOT intend for Matthew (or any other baby) to die or any other horrible tragedy to happen. That He is NOT puppet-stringing tragedies for whatever reason--growth, lessons, a bigger/better good that we can't understand, whatever. He is ABSOLUTELY able to make good of ALL situations, though...and does...even if we may never know it fully. This camp believes that we are living in a fallen world; imperfect and NOT the way God wanted it to be. But because He loves us, and wants us to love Him without being programmed to love Him, He created a world of humans with free will--the choice to follow Him or not--and that, because of that free will, we are allowed to choose for the good or for the bad. Which means that the bad exists. He didn't want it; He didn't want us to choose it...but He ALLOWED us to, and allows us still today to do so...and that's why bad things can happen to good people...a result of the fallen world in which we live.

I've loved this camp. It's been helpful. It's been the only way I have been able to retain faith in that God IS Love...and He loves me. And hurts for me. And never wanted this pain in our lives. And didn't want Matthew to suffer. And took him home as a whole, beautiful baby boy.

HOWEVER....

The other side of the coin is the one that believes God DID plan this. He chose us for this affliction. Why is beyond our ability to reason. He KNEW it was going to happen. He KNEW Matthew was going to only live for 8 and a half hours. He planned every breath Matthew took. Before the world was formed, Matthew was bound only to live a little life and God orchestrated every single person who supported us as that happened to comfort us and to guide us. This camp believes that Matthew lived the exact number of seconds God planned for him to live. God has a plan for each and every one of our lives, and has since time began. His will may not make sense to us, but He is in control of each and every thing that happens to us.

There is peace in this camp too, as I wrote the other day. Peace in knowing His sovereignty is supreme and He planned how to best comfort me before I was born--and seven years after my mother dying, how He's prepared me for this trial.

And scripture supports both camps. I've been reading books on the theological and Biblical foundation for both camps. Which is probably why my head has been just a mess.

How can one be, if the other is?

How can we have a choice in anything if God is orchestrating everything to fit His plan?

How can He not have wanted Matthew to die, yet gave me resources for today YEARS ago?

How could the story of Job and his trials basically being a test of cosmic proportions be an example of God's precise plan for Job's life (He planned the devil to come and tell him he didn't think Job would follow Him without all the good stuff in his life?? He planned for the devil to ask Him to tempt Job? He planned to tell Job that Job had NO IDEA of the battle between good and evil that was going on without his knowledge?) while at the same time be an example of the free will we have (Job chose to praise when others didn't and he really didn't have a reason to either, proving God's point that Job would CHOOSE to praise God and wasn't being MADE to)?

How could God not be orchestrating the plucking of babies from their mothers yet planning each breath every human makes?

How could God not 'intend' for something to happen, yet have each of the days of our lives numbered and counted?

And while I'm throwing it all out there...how can God plan each and every breath that I take, knew of it before the world was created, and yet repeatedly tells us in the Bible that He is patient and slow to anger because He wants so desperately for us to have a relationship with Him? If he is orchestrating it all, if it's all part of His plan, how can that be? If He's waiting for us to exercise our free will and choose Him, how could He have every second of our life mapped out, right up to the second and way we die?

I guess it boils down to this for me:
If God has a plan for us, then isn't everything that happens in our lives according to His plan, by default, part of His plan? Even the tragedy? If He has a plan for our life, and something He didn't intend or 'want' to happen happens, then doesn't He lose sovereignty? How can both exist?

Yep. Told you it was heavy. Told you it's beyond reason. Told you that it's the stuff that make and break denominations--from predestination (so, if He has predestined me, do I *really* have a choice?) to free will (if I don't have choices, what is the purpose of witnessing to others? Why pray? If God's planned it all, and my choice doesn't matter, why pray?)....even people within the same denominations, churches, families...heck, even the same marriages, waffle on these things. Some of the deepest-rooted Christians I know (and dear friends, so completely loved and trusted) waffle--and in the same conversation will somehow be able to say "God is in control" and "This was not what God wanted." I can't tell you how often in the same conversations, "God knows" has been spoken with "We live in a fallen world; it's not God we should blame."

And honestly, before Matthew died, I assure you, I was a major participant in such conversations.

Now, not so much. If I accept the "God didn't plan it, we live in a fallen world, He makes good of it all," camp, well...then I lose God's providence and the comfort from knowing He starts things in us often years before we even know we'll need them. If I accept the "God knew Matthew was going to die and it's part of His plan," then my heart bleeds. Profusely. And my knowledge of God being love is destroyed. My faith in "I know my plans for you...plans to prosper you and not harm you," wears thin.

So, I'm dying to know what others think--what reconciliations have been come to and really, just see perspective. Regardless of what it is...

I even took the Anonymous comment thing off so if you want to be anonymous, fine. I promise I won't write you a blog. I do ask this, though...please, please, please do not tell me that all this questioning could prevent another child in our lives or our healing or has anything to do with why Matthew died in the first place or is an obvious indication of my faithlessness right now. So . don't. need . that.

I'd just really like to know.