First Day...

Matthew, your mommy is TIRED! (And Lord help me if ONE MORE PERSON tells me to "Just wait until the baby comes" because I *so* get that I will be tired...hearing it over and over does not cement it for me.) I was so frustrated with yesterday that I couldn't even talk about it....well, except for my love of Walm*rt. Open House for this school year was a fiasco. I can't even begin to explain it, save that I am just shocked at what things I heard, shocked at behaviors I saw, and SHOCKED that I kept my mouth shut (mostly) since it was Open House and I was *trying* to be positive. I will say one of the highlights of the day was being told (by somebody clearly aggravated that I was pregnant and would be taking time off) that at least it was "only 6 weeks or something in your contract, right?" that I would be out of school. While that statement wasn't as bad as another colleague who once heard, "Couldn't you plan this for the summer?" when she was pregnant, I was not happy. Trust me, I completely understand walking into a classroom and seeing the teacher is pregnant and wondering how that is going to affect my child...I assure all out there I would feel the same way. In fact, for EVERY (and there were lots) parent who asked me when I was due and how long I'd be out for, I was very honest and told them that I would have to play things by ear after the baby is born and that is the truth. Just as their main concern is certainly their child and not me, my main concern is my child. That's life, and to expect teachers to be any different in their desires and lives is just ONE MORE nail in the "Teachers aren't supposed to have lives" coffin.

ANYWAY...I sweetly assured that lovely parent that I could leave tomorrow if I chose to, but my love of my students is the reason I came back and I will work until I am no longer comfortable or able to. I also assured him I was well aware of my contractual obligations, as well as the law with regard to how long I will be out, but that the long-term sub was fully qualified and would do a lovely job should I not return.

On that note, I have to say that I am so truly in awe of women who are pregnant and have no option BUT to work because their livelihood depends on it. Granted, whether people realize it or not, being an elementary school teacher is VERY physically demanding and I realize that lots of women have jobs that allow them to sit more, relax more, HECK...GO TO THE BATHROOM WHEN THEY NEED TO. But I also know that there are a lot of women who have no choice but to work and they are in demanding jobs also. I have been so stiff and sore and uncomfortable for the last few days, and I just hope that it's because of the intense amount of time and work I've been putting in the last few days for the start of school. As I limped into the chiropractor this afternoon, he asked me if I had talked to my OB about when I had to stop working. I told him that she said she could tell me to stop because of blood pressure or something measurable like that, but the amount of discomfort I was putting up with was my call and she'd go by that. He then looked at me and said, "I have a feeling you'll be talking soon." Super. PT said that yesterday. I hate to say it, but they may be right. So, I'll be in prayer for the guidance to make decisions I need to make. I can't wait for John to get home...he'll be able to really give some insight.

In the meantime, the kids today were not too bad, and all in all, it was a good day, minus the exhaustion and the pain in my back. Worse, my feet are swelling some and shoes don't fit so well. I may be tennis-shoeing it for a while at the very least.

And I have to just say how excited I am for Christina and her new addition!! CONGRATS! I just am tickled blue!

Things seem to be settling down...with Kyrgz, at least!

Thank God for those willing to share information on their blogs! It is through others' blogs that I see beautiful children, hear beautiful stories, laugh and cry with others and learn information that my agency has yet to tell me. One blog said their agency told them that this hold was just a couple of weeks and even had a date or two for reopening. Another family got a travel date in light of the hold. Wonderful signs that all is moving and will be fine. Of course, still easy for me to say that as I haven't even turned my dossier in, but...

Yesterday our social worker visited for the last part of our home study. It went great, and she even asked us if we were open to receiving calls from them should they have an infant whose birth mother wanted a closed adoption. Ummm...YES! At this point, I'll take children any way they want to come at me! I've always dreamt of a big family, and desperately hope that money won't be the reason I end up having an only child. The reality is that the expense of this adoption, coupled with my EXTREME desire to QUIT MY JOB will make expendable money much less readily available and who knows what the future holds.

Speaking of my job. All I can say is that I am NOT happy, am NOT in the right place, do NOT want to go back next year if at all possible and am trying very hard to not let my spirit be broken any more than it already is. Those of you in education probably know exactly what I am talking about. Those of you not in education, well...be glad you aren't and pray for children in our schools because I have to tell you that all over the country, they are going to hell in a hand basket. Hate to be so brusque about it, but...it is what it is. How sad.

On a lighter note, I think it is flipping HILARIOUS that every time I click on the "publish post" key, and the page that says "Your post has been published," comes up, on that page is a little box that tells me that I can "Post in my native Indiric Script," and there is some strange symbol that looks definitively like some kind of foreign writing. The hilarity of this is that my whole life, people have asked me "What are you?" "What's your ethnicity?" "What's your heritage?" and here this crazy Google blogspot editor assumes that English is not my "Native Script."

Hilarious.

Eats, Shoots and Leaves...

Okay, the above title is the cute little book that I have been reading at night (well, one book) just for fun. John doesn't get it. Not many do. I, however, am appalled at the grammar errors that have been found upon further inspection. Thank you, new friend A, for alerting me! In my defense, I have to say that many were misspellings (or type-too-fasts, as I call them) when the dumb spell check option was just not working--check out the Friday that spell check started working again and relive my glee! I know that everything I type will not be grammatically correct (who said that??) mainly because of the tomato (long o) /tomato ( as in, "Say ahhhh.") issues that are out there regarding basic style. Punctuation inside of parentheses or out? Comma before the 'and' in a list (i.e. apples, oranges, and pears) or not? I prefer not. My favorites are the new accepted uses of the poor apostrophe--and as a woman who was a Mullins before marriage and is an Ennis now, I am saddened at the gross abuse of the apostrophe with regard to singular possession of words already ending in -s. It is Mrs. Ennis's book. Period. Yet every year my class and I create a class book through the Student Treasures program, the wise company decides to title our books, "By Mrs. Ennis' Class" and this is just not correct! I am one little girl and I have one (heckuva) class!! So enraged I have been by this (and collegial misuse as well) that I have gone online to search for the true answer. And you know what it is? Either is acceptable nowadays. My heart hurts.

I think I need to go diagram some sentences. That always calms me down.

Again, friends, do the kind thing when you see errors! Send alerts. Send them fast; send them furiously. Just make sure you send them!

Oh, and on the adoption front...not much new. My social worker wasn't there this morning after all. I will call tomorrow and schedule our interviews. Off to report cards now....

Tired continued...

I don't know what to say about my zeal for doing adoption things lately other than I am just tired by regular life and hating my lack of energy for 'extra-curricular' This week has been SO exhausting! Getting back to school after break is tiring anyway, but then this week also was the week that our county's math textbook adoption committee met--for 3+ hours, in the evenings. The after-school program I am part of is just frustrating and poor John's birthday was yesterday and I didn't have time (or energy) to do anything for it. (He says he doesn't care about fanfare for birthdays, and while I admire that --and was grateful for it yesterday-- it's not MY style! I TOTALLY love the fanfare!!) Throw in the fact that the poor little foster pup got spayed yesterday (and was coughing through the night--maybe anesthetic upsetting her??) and Dixie (the almost 2-year old Diva pup) was absolutely OBNOXIOUS from 11:38 pm to 1:47 am (last time I checked the clock) and count me as just done! I got home from school today and plunked myself on the sofa and fell asleep for several hours. I still feel so groggy, though, that I think I may head on up to bed.

My goals this weekend: Get fingerprints in LaPlata for our Statewide police clearance tomorrow am. Clean up house! Organize the adoption folders a bit better (that's the OCD anxiety!!) Get lesson plans done (and not at 8pm Sunday night) and try, somewhere, to squeeze in a nice, celebratory dinner for my poor husband's non-celebrated birthday. I'm tired just planning this weekend! Which is why I am glad that I am just doing to do what I can and not stress over what I can't.

A couple of Easter pics--lovely day! We joined our church Easter Sunday, and I was reminded again about the joy of Resurrection. Lord, continue to help me remember that, when I feel so weary. You know more than anyone about weariness on one's soul!

Another day down, another snow day 'a comin'

Well, a day down, and darn it all if me finding out about early school dismissal if we don't use snow days is coming to haunt me! As I type, big, fluffy snow flakes fall furiously (can we say alliteration?) to the ground and I just know that we will have at the least, a late arrival. There's supposed to be more tomorrow night, too, meaning that Friday may be a loss as well. Friday's an early dismissal day anyway!! WHAT A WASTE! Ah, well...why fret over the uncontrollable when I can fret over the items on my plate as it is...namely, adoption! The age of the Internet is fabulous, but on the same token, there is something to be said about information overload! There is SOOO much out there I feel I should know, and yet, I have to admit that I really just hope this agency tells me what to do, when to do it, and what comes next. We have collectively dished out in one weekend nearly $5000 and there's another 25K or more to go. Not that there's a price on a child, but...my sister-in-law told me she had a friend that adopted a little girl from China (back when it didn't take four years) and was often insulted at some of the questions she got. She said she wanted a t-shirt that had quotes like, "She's priceless, thanks for asking." or "Yes, I think she looks just like me too!" Nanci, I can't remember what your add-on to those quotes was, but if you do, tell me, because I thought it was hilarious! I guess in the big scheme of things, I should just be thankful that the option is available to us, and in truth, I am...it still rubs me as very sad, though--all the rigmarole that goes into (not to mention, the money) giving a child a good life.

Speaking of children and good lives...ha ha. Today was basically as frustrating as the previous 111 school days have been, but a nice quote (again, Nanci, thanks!) helped put it in perspective. It's true, I just need to remember I am not alone and all things are of God's plan. The Lord is my refuge and my strength...an ever-present help in trouble. I have that run through my head often (funny, as it was part of a Sunday choir presentation in Pensacola YEARS ago, and the tune has not left my head!) and I think I just need to hang tighter to His promises. I tell my kids (at least the ones who feel they are above the rules of the classroom) that no one is more special than the other--I love them all just the same. I guess I hear God telling me the same thing..."Lori, you are no better than Job, or Hezekiah, Moses or my beloved Son...they endured their trials, so shall you." So...I guess the better prayer is not for these 69 more school days to end, but that I have the patience and strength to endure them in the way that God wants me to.

And for that, all the adoption info on the Internet sure does help take my mind off my woes!!! KGB, I am very, very, very eagerly anticipating you and hope you don't get mad at me one day for preemptively calling you KGB .... What am I saying? You can't speak English yet...I have a little bit of time to make it up to you!! For the record, the picture attached is a 'sample' of what Kyrgyzstan babies can look like. This is a boy version of what I looked like as a baby. Actually, I DID look like a boy!

70 more days to wake up

Well, friends, I am sad to say that today was not a great school day. The disrespect I endured today, in addition to the complete and total disobedience by several children, simply firms up my decision. Education is not the place for me. A dear, dear friend once told me that sometimes we have to do what God wants us to do and that doesn't always turn out to be something we like to do. I have for a long time felt that I was doing what God wanted--I know that I have been a life-impacting person in the lives of many children and their parents--and am profoundly honored to have been given that opportunity. That being said, I do not--nay, cannot believe that this is what God wants me to do--wake up dreading every school day. Go through the day wondering when it will be over. Feeling absolutely terrible for those sweet, kind and bright children who are losing precious education because some of their classmates think NOTHING of being disruptive, disrespectful and disobedient. Wishing I had gone into some other line of work, and feeling like some of the decisions I have made regarding my occupation were not necessarily the best decisions. Being a miserable, grumpy person to be around. What kind of example for God am I living when I dread every day? Rather, every school day. I'm spent, I'm tired and I'm disappointed that I just don't have the drive or fortitude to suck it up and continue. At this point, I am waiting for the call that says our baby is ready for us to pick her up. I hate wishing my life away, but at this juncture, it's better than the alternative....waking up and feeling this way--over and over and over. Our joke is that we live the life of Groundhog Day, that movie with Bill Murray. That's what it's like these days. Different days, SAME crap. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when the weather gets warmer. God help me...

The pain of it all

Well, it's official! My doctor has basically told me that I need to quit my job if I want to be healthy and happy. I have ALWAYS loved her! It's military health care, so she's hard to get an appointment with, but she's great and squeezed me in today! It started with my little visit to Physical Therapy for my back. My aching, sore, feels like I have been beaten up, back and neck. I've been going for two weeks now, today being the 3rd time, and bless those cute little boys' hearts, they felt sorry for me! "You have WAY too many muscle spasms. They are all up and down your spine and neck." Yep, tell me about it. Flexoril to the rescue. Like I don't have enough medicines. They also told me to go see my doctor and gave me an in on how to get a coveted same day appointment without having to give your firstborn (good thing, don't have one) away. So, I went, got in (miracle of all miracles) and she nearly cried with happiness for me (told you she was great!) when I told her about the adoption. I told her that I didn't want to add any more medicines to my already large pharmacy, and she asked me, "Lori, are you going to work when you get the baby?" I told her that I had planned to stay at home. She then said, "Then honey, we just need to get you through the next year. When you stop working, so much of your stress will be gone." Don't get me wrong, she went on to remind me that I would be under the stress of being a parent. But she made one key point--I will be able to have some control over that situation. My situation in education right now--not so much control. That's the most frustrating part--feeling like if I do what's right for my kids, the repercussions are mighty. I totally believe her, too...I was happy, healthy (mostly) Lori at Christmas break. John says the school Lori is the "F-bomb" Lori. I hate that Lori. She's mean, grumpy and miserable to be around. Plus, her neck and back kill her. So, due to the simple laws of physics and cause and effect, it's obvious that I need to leave education. Here's to that day. Until then, here's to heat therapy, massages, muscle relaxers and stress-relievers.

School days, school days...la la la la la la

Tired. I am tired. Still feeling under the weather and the kids, as always, tire me out. I did, however, find out about some fabulous news today! Our school calendar has 5 snow days built in. If we don't use them, we get out 5 school days earlier! I was counting down until June 13, now I am looking for 5 days before that!! I hate, hate, hate snow anyway, but here's to NO SNOW DAYS!

Tomorrow is election day so no school (yippee) and I will be filling out and sending in the official contract for the baby (plus the mega dollars that go with that) and our home study. It's very sad that babies can be bought. It's good for all the babies that are wanted so much that people dole out the big bucks for them, but the sad part that goes with that is that there are lots of people who would be great parents and any baby would be lucky to have them--but they can't afford it. Heck, what am I saying? Who can afford it? It's certainly not like we have $30K just hanging out in accounts screaming, "Hey, we're not doing much today...how 'bout checking into a kid?" Anyway, some people who have the privilege of being parents really don't deserve it and others who really want kids sometimes just get screwed. Goes back to what I tell my kids every day, "Life's not fair." And it's not. For instance, I can't get this stupid spell check to work on this blog. So, if anything is misspelled, well, those of you who know me just need to have a good laugh at the irony of it all!

'Til next time...